This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i sculpted my thumb

marble

So, I managed to post one of the little ditties I wrote and now I’m attempting to write another.  I say attempting because a) this is a laptop that I’m not used to b) I’m bone tired from sculpting all day and 3) my hands are full of blisters and one of them is crushed but we’ll get to that in a little while.  I’m in my room at the Applewood Inn in Guerneville, California and it’s 8:02 and I’m trying to stay awake because the word “grueling” isn’t normally a part of my vocabulary but that’s exactly how today was. 

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves shall we? Let’s start at the beginning.  After a 17 hour trek (yes, you heard me right! 17 hours.  4 airports. 3 US Air clubs. 1 interminable wait for a Hertz rental car and 1 windy little drive = 17 hours.) I finally arrived at my destination which was Guerneville, California where I would be embarking on Lynn’s Grand Adventure.  I had reservations at TheApplewood Inn from Wednesday through Sunday but they were full on Tuesday so I would be staying at the Fern Grove Cottages for that one night.  When I called them to let them know that I was running late and to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HOLD my room, they assured me that “even though THEY were going to bed”, they would still leave me a room key.

I arrived at 10:15 and I was dog-tired and would need to be at my class at 9:00.  I quickly went to bed.  Unfortunately, nobody informed my mind and body that I was on the West Coast and I woke up at 3:30 AM.  THREE THIRTY!!!  I couldn’t fucking believe it.  Fortunately, I took some Tylenol and fell back asleep.  When I woke up again, it was 6:45 so I got up.  I went down to breakfast only to discover that it didn’t open up until 8:30.  UH-OH. That wasn’t going to work.  I needed coffee STAT so I quickly jumped into the car and drove into town.

I found a restaurant and ordered coffee and oatmeal.  Here was the conversation that followed:

Me:                        Excuse me, could I please have some fruit with my oatmeal

Guy:                      You mean, in addition to the fruit on your table?

Me:                        There’s fruit on my table?

Guy:                      Yeah

Me:                        I don’t see it.  Where is it?

Guy:                      It’s hidden in that FRUIT CUP right in front of you.

Me:                        Ohhhhh… could I please have some more coffee

Guy:                      You definitely need some.

So yeah, that’s how I roll; Lynn MacDonald making a fool of herself coast-to-coast.  It was at this point that I realized that although I had printed out a hundred pages of documentation about my hotels, rental cars, BlogHer shit and whatnot, somehow I had FORGOTTEN to write down exactly WHERE my sculpture course was.  Seriously?? SERIOULSY?  I had a course in an hour and I had NO IDEA where I needed to go.  It turns out that all my documentation had was a PO Box number on it.  Yep,  I’m not so great with details.

So, I asked if anybody in the restaurant knew where Stone Sculpture Supplies was and lo and behold, someone did.  Excellent.  I now was ready for class.

So, I started up a one lane, incredibly windy road that went STRAIGHT UP A MOUNTAIN and eventually, after almost having a head on collision, I arrived at my destination.  YEAH!!!

So, I meet Ante and Karen and Pat and a few others and then I immediately forgot their names because, well very frankly, I suck.  I explain to the others that I’m awful with names and that I’m sorry and one of them says to me “that’s okay Lily, we don’t mind!”  hahaha …I  knew right then and there that it was going to be fun.  So Ante (the instructor from Croatia) say’s to me:

Ante:                     Where’s your macquette?

Me:                        My what?

Ante                      Your macquette?

Me:                        What’s a macquette?

Ante:                     A clay model of your sculpture you want to do.

Me:                        Oh, I don’t have one. I don’t do stuff like that

Ante:                     Here’s some clay.  Make a macquette.

Me:                        Shouldn’t I see the rock first?

Ante:                     Is the rock doing what you want or are you doing what the rock wants?

Me:                        WHAT?

Ante:                     These rocks have been here for millions of years.  They have time.   They can wait!

Me:                        (Did I accidentally drop some acid before I drove here this morning)

 

this is my sculpture macquette

 

So, I sit down with my clay and start making a little miniature of what I THINK I’d like to do.   Honestly, I’m completely out of my comfort zone and I’m thinking THIS isn’t what I signed up for, is it? And seriously, do I have still have 4 days and 7 more hours to go?  At any rate, someone gave me some advice which was “when in doubt, poke a hole in it” so I did.  It looked better now.

So Ante tells me he “likes it” and I should go pick out a rock.  There are about five billion rocks there and I want a pretty one so I pick out a rock, they cut it and put it on the table and now Ante tells me to draw.

Ante:                     Draw the piece on the rock

Me:                        Draw what?

Ante:                     Your design.

Me:                        With what?

Ante:                     With a pencil

Me:                        I didn’t bring a pencil. I brought a bunch of sculpture tools.

(So he shakes his head and goes and gets me a SCULPTURE pencil … yeah, I’m being schooled badly here)

Ante:                     Here … Draw

Me:                        How?

Ante:                     (sigh) divide it up into quadrants and multiply it by 5 since you’re doing it at 500%.

Me:                        Okay…

 (so I do it and I think I’ve done a pretty good job so I go get Ante)

Ante:                     No,no,no … you need to scale it up properly.  Use a ruler and remember to keep it proportionate.

Me:                        I didn’t realize there would be math in today’s class.  I should’ve had more coffee.

Ante:                     Erase it and do it again

 

So, I sand it down and start again. Guess what?  NO GOOD. I spend an HOUR and a HALF drawing on this fucking rock and I’m really getting pissed. Meanwhile, Ante is telling me I need to meditate and be more at peace and REALLY SEE the rock.

See the rock? If I could lift it (its 150 pounds) I’d break the god damn thing.  Finally, he says the outline is ok but that I didn’t draw the hole correctly.  Ugghhhh … whose fucking idea was this?

Oh yeah, mine.  I hate me.

LUNCH TIME! Thank god.  This guy is making me do stuff I NEVER DO. FOR ANYONE. EVER!!

I must say, lunch was delicious and I was hyper and talked a lot and handed out my blog cards.  Win-win,right?

After lunch, I was allowed the Holy Grail.

Ante:                     Lynn, let’s start your piece. 

OH MY FUCKING GODS.  I’m going to sculpt!!!

So, he show s me how to use the hammer and the chisel (he didn’t like the ones I had schlepped ALLTHE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY THAT WEIGHED A LEAD TON of course) so I start smashing my rock.  Hey, this isn’t too bad.  So, I’m all good for about 6 minutes and then my arm hurts and my wrist hurts and my neck hurts and hey, I still have 149 ½ pounds of marble  left.  I’M GOING TO DIE!

Ante:                     Lynn, you shouldn’t be listening to music (I have an iPod shuffle going)

Me:                        Why not?

Ante:                     You should be listening to this (and he points everywhere)

Me:                        This? (cuz all I hear is 5 pneumatic hammers and it’s louder than hell)

Ante:                     Yes, this is the sound of sculpting

Me;                        I’m good, not to worry?

Ante:                     Lynn, why are you going all in that direction?

(five minutes later)

Ante:                     Lynn, why are you sculpting that part? I said here.

(five minutes later)

Ante:                     Lynn, are you using the wrist? NO NO NO

(five minutes later)

Ante:                     Lynn, you’re choking up too much

(five minutes later)

Ante:                     L ynn, are you all right? 

Me:                        No, I just hammered my thumb and I’m going to pass out.  And that’s exactly what I did.

HAHAHA … true story.  I told you I had a Vagus Nerve problem and when I get too much adrenaline I pass out.  Well, that’s exactly what happened here.  After I was up and alive again, here’s what Ante said:

Ante:                     Are you okay to keep going?

Me:                        Yeah, I’m good now

Ante:                     I told you the music was bad

Me:                        What?

Ante:                     The beat of the music messed up the beat of your sculpting.  That’s why you smashed your hand.

Me:                        Ok, I’m REMOVING my iPod (and possibly my thumb by the way)

Ante:                     You can go to the pneumatic tools now!

Me:                        EXCELLENT!

So, there you are!  That was my first day.  Sorry this post is so long but it was a LOT to explain.  Thank god you don’t need your left thumb in typing or you wouldn’t even be reading this.  Back at ya tomorrow!

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17 Comments

  1. Tazer Warrior Princess
    July 29, 2011

    Wow. Just… wow. Maybe it would have been more fun to drop some acid before embarking on your quest to be one with the stone… Ha!

  2. Paulette
    July 29, 2011

    When you said sculpting, why did I assume that meant clay? I didn’t realize you’d be chiseling rock. Damn.

    • Lynn
      July 29, 2011

      I don’t know…I wouldn’t have flown all the way to California for a clay course though

      • Paulette
        July 30, 2011

        Hence the massive confusion.

        • Lynn
          July 30, 2011

          I doubt anyone assumes marble…it’s not that typical. It’s fun though

  3. Julie
    July 29, 2011

    Rock on, Lynn! (Sorry, i couldn’ resist) Enjoy the class.

    • Lynn
      July 29, 2011

      Thanks! I am

  4. Lady Estrogen
    July 29, 2011

    Ooooh fack me, Lynn.
    If you were in my class, I’d have to get you up-side the head – in the most loving way possible, of course :)

    Also? That’s awesome the waiter said that to you. So funny. Points for that dude.

    • Lynn
      July 29, 2011

      I’m having fun…it’s true

  5. Aunt Ellen
    July 29, 2011

    Uncle Ken made me read this one — spot on! Be brave. How the hell do you get the finished piece home?

    • Lynn
      July 29, 2011

      You ship it! That’s how

  6. liz
    July 30, 2011

    I think I’m going to forever call you Lily.

    Though I don’t think a woman named Lily uses the word “fuck”, so maybe not.

    I totally LOLed at my screen when I read, “I didn’t know there was math involved”.

    Hope you don’t pass out anymore! How do you get your piece home after class?

    • Lynn
      July 30, 2011

      Haven’t passed out since. They will ship it. It doesn’t weigh 150 lbs anymore. Hopefully I wil
      Get it done

  7. Name *
    July 30, 2011

    OMFG I laughed so hard! I am hurting from it. Poor you, ever think of making a movie kinda like ” I love Lucy” type?

    • Lynn
      July 31, 2011

      I’m such a dope…inthink a tv show about me would be perfect

  8. Sharon the egg lady
    August 2, 2011

    Well Lilly, I was there and can verify all the above is true! I enjoyed all your hillarious commentary throughout the day. You are one funny lady. And by the way just before you pounded your thumb Ante grinned, shook his head and said “The music is not going to be good for her” so I guess you were warned. funny thing though I hit my hand probably 6 times and I just had a slight pink mark, what were you doing?

  9. One of the "few others"
    August 2, 2011

    Thoroughly enjoy your post. The only thing you left out was the number of times Ante said “draw again”. That scenario has been shared several times and everyone enjoys and appreciates it. Would love to see the finished piece!

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