This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i stepped in shit


I’m such a slacker lately.  Back in the day (basically when I started this blog a billion years ago) I was always so many days ahead.  That’s because I’m an anti-procrastinator.  I hate when I have to do stuff ASAP so my goal is to always be ahead.


However, now that I’m in the doldrums of this blog I barely post anything and when I do, I’m pretty sure it’s extremely boring.  I don’t know why this is.  Perhaps I’m just OVER IT!!


Nonetheless, for reasons having absolutely nothing to do with you guys, I’m slogging on. I’m shocked everyone hasn’t quit me yet.


So I thought I’d tell you about my “snow” day the other day.  Last week, in a complete rarity in North Carolina, we had TWO storms.  The first was last Monday and honestly, I barely remember it but the other was last Thursday.  This storm, which was supposed to be a “wintry mix,” turned out to be annoying as hell.


At first they were saying a bit of sleet, then rain, then snow, then freezing rain. In other words they had no fucking clue.  So on Thursday evening it starts raining and of course, the city shut down and it was sleeting and stuff.


When we woke up Friday we had about 4 inches of sleet and snow and even worse, there was ice all over the trees.  There’s not too many things worse than ice because that’s what causes huge amounts of damage to the trees and also, we lose power.


I wasn’t worried about the power stuff because in my old house, we lost it ALL THE TIME so in this house we have a generator.  As a result, we never lose power.  It’s actually a bit annoying ya know?


So, I called and the gym was open and I decided to go to the gym knowing that nobody would ever be on the roads.  For 20 years or so I had a massive Toyota Land Cruiser or the like so I’m pretty good at driving in the snow.  Unfortunately, this new car is NO MATCH for that.  I barely made it out of my driveway but once I got on the main streets I was ok.


I worked out and the gym was empty.  The power was out at many spots but not there and not at my house.  I drove home and when I drove up I was so upset because …. OUR FAVORITE TREE WAS DESTROYED.


That’s right, we had bought this Japanese Table Top Pine as our specimen tree right in front of the house.  I nurtured it and trimmed it and doted on it all the time (not in the winter obviously) and it was broken all to hell!!!


Pines don’t do well in ice storms and this was no exception. I was pretty upset and took my dog out to pee and poop and took a picture to send to the family about our decimating news.


I came inside in my boots, took them off and started walking to the kitchen and STEPPED IN SHIT!!  That’s right people, the goddamn dog had shit on the kitchen floor and I was sending out the picture of the tree and I stepped in shit … BAREFOOT!!


The only thing to do was to take an axe and chop of my leg, which I did.  No I didn’t do that.  I hopped to the sink, wiped it down and then literally shoved it in the kitchen sink to wash it down.  THANK YOU PILATES for that flexibility.


So yeah, then I killed the fucking dog that is scared to crap out in the snow but has no compunction about crapping on my kitchen floor.


Fucking dog. Fucking tree.  Fucking ice storm.



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  1. Cynthia K.
    March 11, 2014

    I just love your blog. I’m so sorry about your poor tree, that sucks. It wasn’t all that bad here in Charlotte but it was still miserable and gross…and then Saturday-Monday has been gorgeous! What is up with this weather?! I’ve stopped looking or listening to anything resembling a forecast at this point.

    • Lynn
      March 11, 2014

      hey thanks! that means a lot to me. Well, I’m hoping that this nice weather is here to stay. I actually like snow but I really don’t like ice. At this point I’m ready for spring. Let’s hope that it starts getting nicer down here because after all, this IS the south. It’s not supposed to be like this. :))

  2. Julie
    March 11, 2014

    This fucking winter with all the fucking snow has caused me to lose my fucking sense of humor. 6 – 8 MORE inches of fucking snow for us tonight. I’m fucking OVER IT!!!

    • Lynn
      March 12, 2014

      I’m quite sure I’d never survive up there!!! Good luck

  3. Lori
    March 11, 2014

    Lynn, I love your blog. It’s real. And it’s easy to read and follow. Whatever your reasons, I’m happy to hear you’re slogging on. Rarely do I actually laugh out loud at someone’s writing, but you got me. You painted a picture of your distress perfectly and I giggled. Which, I’m pretty sure, was your point. So, thank you!

    • Lynn
      March 12, 2014

      Great comment and thanks!!! I always wonder if anyone reads this crap :))

  4. Martha Stewart
    March 12, 2014

    Next time you wash veggies in the sink and notice a tasty difference remember it’s the canine seasoning!

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