This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i stroll about

I woke up Friday feeling infinitely better, dressed in my normal workout attire and set off to locate the kitchen in the nether regions of the house. At about the thirty-minute mark of my journey down, I came upon my cousin Laurie who was working out on the elliptical trainer. She told me to continue down to the kitchen and fix myself coffee issuing out a quick set of instructions. Upon arriving at the kitchen a few minutes later, I realized that the coffee maker was completely beyond me without a modicum of caffeine in my system. This people, is what we call a conundrum. Without the ability to think, how do you set about figuring out some machine that’s more complicated than a nuclear reactor? In sheer desperation, I began climbing back upstairs to beg my cousin to come downstairs and fix me some coffee. Seeing the look of distress on my face, she agreed to cut her workout short and come downstairs and complete said task. I would like to claim that in the four days I was there, I conquered this machine but that would be a complete lie. I probably could have learned to field strip a rifle in the same amount of time but each day, that damned machine figured out a new and different way to confound me.

At any rate, we drank some coffee and mapped out our day. I really needed to work out as I had consumed large quantities of alcohol the night before and it looked like the next few days would be more of the same so we decided that a nice walk with the dogs would serve all of us well. We set out towards Kensington Park where there was a sculpture exhibit by Anish Kapoor. He has four installations on exhibit around the park and it was a beautiful day so off we went. This would count in my checklist as both the exercise and “art appreciation” portion of my day. The weather was amazing, the sculptures were beautiful and after strolling around for some time we sat down in some chairs to enjoy the pond while I psychoanalyzed my cousin. Not for nothing have I been in therapy for 25 years. Soon enough, someone comes up to us and tells us you have to PAY TO SIT IN THE CHAIRS. Seriously, you are supposed to pay to sit in the lawn chairs. We had no money as we were simply exercising so we went to sit on the bench that was approximately 20 feet away. Isn’t that ridiculous? So we sat there and enjoyed the day while the dogs roamed around frolicking in the park and I felt very English. Not British, but English. What’s the difference you say? Trust me, you only make that mistake once. English is England while British includes Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. There is a distinct difference, which I have duly noted and now you have too. The people I met were adamant about this fact.

We walked around the park for hours and then headed back to the house. Laurie had offered to have a dinner party for Keely and her myriad of friends who were in London and we would need to make a trek to the grocery store to buy the food and drink. The store was incredibly crowded and I was amazed to see so many American brands on the shelves. Americans have literally (pronounced lit-trally) taken over the world. We were expecting around 20 kids and we (I use that term loosely as I don’t cook and Laurie does) were making a pasta with chicken and vegetables dish. So we bought the groceries and headed on home to begin the cooking portion of the stay. I grilled zucchini and Laurie did EVERYTHING ELSE although now that I think of it, I did chill the beer and wine.

After cooking, we relaxed and showered and waited for the kids to show up. It was an interesting evening for Laurie and Michael because although they are used to having loads of kids around, American college kids are much different from their English counterparts, at least the ones they know. I actually think the difference is more between a “city-raised” kid and a kid who is new to the city but that’s just my opinion. We had kids there from Duke, UPenn, Carolina, Dartmouth and Carnegie Mellon and if you meet one “full of themselves twenty-year old kid”, you’ve met them all. The kids hung around for a few hours and around 10:30, I kicked them out so we could clean up and chill. I was fairly tired at this point so I was glad for the silence.

Oh, I forgot the funniest part of my day. I got on the blog first thing in the morning to check out my “stats” and I noticed that I had a lot of international people checking out the blog, predominately from Finland. I checked it out and they were coming from this website called Note to Lapland.  I went to that blog and there was a hysterically funny article called “15 Steps To Becoming A Blogging Rockstar” which was essentially an article making fun of other bloggers. My blog, All Fooked Up, was used as an example of people writing about becoming FAMOUS. I do claim that as part of my blog, but of course for me, getting famous is a means to an end. I actually just want to be a Professional Talk Show Guest. At any rate, as a result of this link, I was getting all these people from Finland and other foreign places looking at my blog.

I, of course, forgot to be offended and found the entire thing simply hilarious so I absolutely had to leave a message on the site thanking the author for including me in the “what not to do portion of the blog”. I assured her I was no youngster and could take whatever she could dish out and that she should feel free to diss me as much as possible. She then informed me that she actually was enjoying my blog, as I was enjoying hers, and was recommending it to her friends. So you see folks, even though I’m not yet a professional talk show guest, I’m well on my way to becoming an international sensation.

At this point, I’ve given my card with my link on it to a multitude of people over here in Europe including a number of publishers. I have no idea what will happen with all this, but at a minimum, I’m enjoying the reaction on their face when these “real writers” read the name of the blog. I had a conversation on Sunday with a English Publisher who looked at the blog and here’s what he had to say:

Me:           “So John, did you read my blog?”

John:         “Yes I did”

Me:           “Really? I must say im surprised as I didn’t think you’d look at it.
                  What did you think?”

John:         “There were some very clever parts.”

Me:           “Really, you thought it was clever?”

John:         “Yes, what you need to do is edit out the rest.”

Me:           “How do I do that?”

John:         “Just keep the clever parts and get rid of the rest.”

Me:           (ok, I’m really struggling here…how do I figure this out?)

                “How do I know which parts are clever and which parts aren’t?”

John:         “Just look it over” (looking at me as if I was daft)

Me:           (stymied and seeing the conversation was obviously over)

                 “Ok, will do.”

So, you see. Apparently parts of it are clever and parts of it need to be edited out. Obviously, if I knew the lousy parts I would be attempting to avoid actually writing them but I’m not sure I’m educated enough to follow through with this task, after all I was a MATH major in college.

Thus ended Day two of my visit to London.

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One Comment

  1. Sarah
    October 15, 2010

    Isn't that code for 'I haven't read it actually'?
    I mean, it sounds like one of those cover-all astrological personality tests which are so vague they apply to everyone.

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