This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i tried to be sophisticated


When I was 16, my aunt got me a subscription to Vogue as a birthday present. I think I’ve already mentioned that my mom was a “clothes horse” and was very into nice clothing. Every month, the new Vogue would arrive and I would look at all the beautiful women wearing beautiful clothing thinking, “that’s going to be me one day.”

Alas, I quit growing and never made it above 5’5” so my “modeling” career was over before it actually began. But I still loved Vogue, and eventually, I had a subscription to Bazaar as well. I determined that somehow, some day, I was going to be one of those sophisticated people walking around, just like in the magazines.

It’s ironic actually, as I was, and still am, a slob. I wear shorts and t-shirts. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. I have no compunction about wearing torn and tattered clothing. I rarely look nice unless I have to. If I go out to lunch, I will begrudgingly put on nicer shorts or a skirt, but I spend a lot of time avoiding that. On Saturday evenings when Kevin and I go out, I’m always complaining about how he looks better than me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I can look nice. I just choose not to. I feel that as long as I have the knowledge that I can clean up, why bother? I don’t really feel defined by people’s ideas of what “beauty” is. But occasionally, even I must dress up. It’s these occasions that kill me the most. My rule of thumb is that if I’m really dressing up, what the hell, why don’t I go ahead and put on makeup and jewelry. So when that actually happens, people are startled – shocked actually – and pretty rude.

Something usually comes out of their mouths like, “Oh my god Lynn, look how good you’re capable of looking” or my personal favorite, “You sure do clean up well!” At any rate, sometimes it’s worth it just to shock the hell out of people. Lately, people have been asking if I got my hair cut. “Yeah, about a year ago” is my response. It’s just that I put my hair back in a ponytail in the morning to go to the gym, run my errands like that and then go home and shower. I really don’t mind running around looking like shit.

After the shower, my hair is down, but at that point I really don’t see people anymore, so I suppose that nobody really knows what I look like.

Wait. I was actually making a point at the beginning of this story, and of course I got off on a tangent. The point was that when I moved to New York, I was prepared to get a sweet job, dress up in suits and become a “sophisticated” New Yorker. I had it all figured out. I would live on the Upper East Side, work at some major financial institution, have tons of awesome friends and go to bars and order Scotch. I knew Scotch was the “sophisticated” drink, and that’s what I was going to drink.

It all came crashing down when I didn’t get a job at a major financial institution and got a job at International Paper Company instead. I did have suits but they were irritating and uncomfortable so I changed out of them as soon as possible. But in perhaps the biggest blow to the entire “sophistication” plan was I COULDN’T STAND SCOTCH!! I hated it! Could it have been the horrible experience I once had with a bottle of Southern Comfort? I’m not sure, but the Scotch thing was out. Then I tried martinis. This was in the day before all that flavored crap so we’re talking THE REAL DEAL. Shaken, not stirred … you get the picture. Nope. Couldn’t stomach that either. My boss gave me a Manhattan to try and … DISGUSTING!

So there I am, living in New York, and still the same damn beer drinking girl that I was when I got there. I’m still a beer drinker. Love the stuff. But I have never gotten over the sheer disappointment of my inability to be a “sophisticated” person. Maybe in my next life!

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  1. Nicki
    November 18, 2010

    You crack me up and I can relate on so many levels. If I am going to dress up, I may as well shave too. Maybe trim that mole hair on my cheek as well! And if time permits, exfoliate the dry skin out of my eyebrows. I want to be sophisticated too but it seems like way too much work!

  2. Red Shoes
    November 18, 2010

    Im like you… Ive fallen into the habit of 'dress casual' that includes blue jeans, nice shirts, etc., but I'm off the suit/sport coat-tie thingie…

    I just don't want to…

    Hell, I'm a prof, dammit!!! :oD


  3. uberscribbler
    November 18, 2010

    I thought you lived in the Carolinas?

    And trust me, 'formal' clothes don't make one 'sophisticated'. I own practically nothing but and I'm an uncloth barbarian most days.

  4. Copyboy
    November 18, 2010

    Please! I've been living in NYC since 199? and I've always worn tshirts. Granted in the 90s they were black and ribbed, but tshirts none the less.

  5. The Empress
    November 18, 2010

    It's all an attitude.

    Thank you for stopping by, today, it's always nice to meet someone new.

  6. Peggy Sue Brister
    November 18, 2010

    If you want to drink something good other than beer, try Tequila Rose. It's almost as strong as straight liquor but it is pink and smooth and sort of seet. It says it is strawberry flavored Tequila but it doesn't taste like strawberries. It will get you drunk quick though so pour some over ice and sip on it. A lot of ppl do it as shots. As for the clothes. I am frumpy too. I wear shorts or sweats with tshirts at home and when I have to get cleaned up to leave the house I wear jeans and tshirts. I try to never have to get dressed up. The last and only time I have worn a dress in the past 4 years was to my friend's son's wedding last year and I had to go buy the damn dress because I didn't have one (that fit)

  7. The mad woman behind the blog
    November 19, 2010

    LOVED this! I so wanted to be sophisticated. I got as far as cheap red wine (I draw the line at the boxed stuff).

    New follower. I found you via a comment you left SOMEWHERE?!?!

    Oh, me and beer…we're good friends, when I'm not carrying around another life in my belly.

  8. Anonymous
    November 20, 2010

    Too funny!!! You forgot to mention that you "fix your hair" for parties, too!!!

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