This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i was crazy … and loud … and mean

It’s Monday morning and I’m still attempting to recover from my weekend in Baltimore where I discovered that I might be the only unsuccessful person EVER to graduate from The Johns Hopkins University.  Why do I say that? Well, let me tell you about my weekend.


As you know, I barely managed to make it to Baltimore in the first place between my nav system and my inability to follow directions.  I was staying downtown at the Hotel Monaco, which is a very nice place to stay, and the first item on my reunion agenda was a small “swim team” reunion, which was taking place in the restaurant adjacent to the hotel.  This was excellent on so many different levels; the most important being of course, that there was no need to control my alcohol intake.


With someone like me, this is both a blessing and a curse.  I actually don’t drink that often because ever since I started on Prozac, I have discovered that it goes to my head rapidly and I tend to lose whatever filter control I have.  Also, I feel like crap the next day.  Now I can hear all of you thinking in unison, “Wait, you have a filter?”  Believe it or not, yes I do.  I AM capable of behaving if I really need to.  I just usually don’t give a shit about the impression I make so I don’t worry about it.  The point is that with alcohol in me I’m a loose cannon.


At any rate, I was on the Varsity swim team at Hopkins and swam all four years.  The awesome thing about being a swimmer is that you literally walk into a ready-made family that is coed, not always true about varsity sports.  Although by the end of my four years I knew plenty of people, the swimmers were always my main family.


Also, because Hopkins had only been coed for about 5 years when we got there in 1977, there weren’t that many sports for women so basically, all the women’s sports teams shared locker rooms so most of the female athletes knew each other. Therefore even though I wasn’t close friends with all the athletes, I certainly knew most of the women.  I also knew almost all of the male athletes because; well, why the hell wouldn’t I?  They were certainly the better-looking guys and the ratio was 3:1, guys to girls.  In short, perfection!  Hanging out in the training room was better than any bar I’ve ever been to, especially since swimming practice and lacrosse practice ended at the same time.


The plan was for the “swim team reunion” to begin at 7:00 PM so I met my friend Monika, who had been my best friend in college and was by far one of the best swimmers Hopkins ever produced, at 6:00.  After all, we had a lot of catching up to do because I had missed my 20-year reunion due to erroneous scheduling and had only been back once 6 years ago.


We met in the bar and I decided to take the wise course, which was to stick to beer while Monika had a Mojito.  She had brought some old pictures and albums but we were really just catching up on our lives; hers which was incredibly successful and mine which was …. Not!

I had literally met Monika within two hours of getting to school and we became joined at the hip; she was my partner in crime!  Now here she was telling me that when she got to school, she was this naïve young girl from a small town and that I completely overwhelmed and corrupted her.  This should have been an indication for me to begin drinking heavily because the stuff that was said to me thereafter required a LOT of alcohol.


Soon, people began to drift into the swimming reunion including the current athletic director at JHU and the current swim coach.  The athletic director was explaining to us that Hopkins was more “fun” now and we should really see the difference.  More fun?  Any more fun there and I would have been in jail…or dead…or both?  At any rate, after informing him that actually, “fun” at Hopkins had been the least of my problems. I felt all that “testing” and other crap like “classes” had been an issue for me so we moved on to other subjects.


By now, most of the swimmers who were class of 1981 had arrived as well as many of the women on the track team.  I had been feeling that at least if I wasn’t successful I was looking pretty damn good for my age!  They looked better damnit!  That’s what happens when you hang out with competitive people, right?


Fortunately, quite a few beers were taking care of the worry about my lack of success and I was beginning to warm up to the chitchat reminiscing task.  As I looked around the table I saw doctor, doctor, doctor, person who runs a huge foundation, me, executive at a power company, lead council at huge corporation, lawyer, lawyer, business guy who sold a huge Silicon Valley startup for beaucoup bucks, doctor, the list went on and on.  HOLY SHIT!  I ordered another beer.


Here’s a typical conversation that night:


Standard question:   So Lynn, what do you do?


Standard answer:     Well, after the last time I got fired I thought to myself ‘Fuck it!’ I’m not going to bother getting another job if they’re going to keep firing me so I DON’T WORK!


Standard response:  (SILENCE…no seriously, SILENCE!  I mean, how do you respond to that right?) Next topic anyone?


We all sat down and the guys started telling all these stories from when they all lived together and we had millions of swimming parties.  We were all quite close, especially our freshman year.  Here are some of the conversations I had.


(With the girl who lived in the room next to me and is now a Doctor. ) and by the way, EVERY SINGLE PERSON ASKED ME NOT TO USE THEIR NAME IN THESE CONVERSATIONS HENCE THE NAME GIRL)


Girl:     I remember you coming home drunker than hell in the middle of the night screaming out in the quad and waking everyone up.


Me:      Were you with me?


Girl:     No, I was one of the ones screaming at you to shut up.


Me:      Who was I with?


Girl:     You were alone.


Me:      There’s no way I walked home from Godfrey’s (a bar) alone in the middle of the night.


Girl:     Well the other people weren’t screaming so I don’t know.


Or this conversation:


Me:      I thought when I won that wet t-shirt contest down in Florida that only the swim team would know about it.


Other person:     Come on, you had to know that it would get out and everyone in school would find out about it.


Me:       No, I never really thought about it but come on, what could I do? The prize was $100 in 1977? That was a lot of money? It paid for the entire swim team to drink all night!


Or this conversation with Josh who was a young lawyer in Baltimore at the time and also our assistant swim coach:


Josh:    You were really crazy in college.


Me:      I was? What did I do? WHY do people keep saying that?


Josh:    (no answer to my questions of course) What do you do now?


Me:      Ummmm…well I was basically a stay at home mom and did some painting and sculpting but now I write a blog.


Josh:    A blog?


Me:      Here’s my card (I hand him my card).  It’s called All Fooked Up.


Josh:    Of course it is.


And how about this toast to the table:


Guy Swimmer:           Everyone looks really great here; even Lynn.


HUH? WTF? I mean I know I was a bit of a slob (still am) but really?


Or this:


Me:          Oh, I thought you were friends with those girls?


Person 1:        No, not really.


Me:          Well, why did you live with them if they weren’t your friends?


Person 1:        Whom else was I going to live with; you excluded me from your group.


Me:          What, are you serious?  I know you’ve already informed me that I was a mean girl but was I really that bad?


Person2:         Well, maybe not that bad but…


Me:          Why did anyone even hang out with me in college? How did I even have friends?


Person 2:        Because you were funny as hell.


Person1:         And we’re friends now!


In short, even I’m not sure I liked the person I was in college.  I was informed that I wasn’t actually “mean” to anyone; I just picked a group to hang out with and if you weren’t in the group you just REALLY weren’t in the group.  God I sucked!


It was great reconnecting with everyone but I had way too many beers, probably to cope with all this information about what a piece of shit, albeit funny shit, that I was.  I stumbled to my room and figured, I need to take a XANAX to sleep and guess what? Forgot the Xanax.  So, NO Xanax + Chocolate cake + lots of street noise and sirens + too much beer + information overload = NO SLEEP ALL NIGHT!


And so began my weekend…














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  1. Margaret
    May 3, 2011

    Hey Lynn, I loved your blog! It was so funny. You were the life of the party. How boring if everyone just recited their resumes. Everyone went home from that swim team reunion and talked about how fun and funny Lynn is and how good they felt. They did not share the boring details of “so and so” becoming the CEO of a hedge fund, etc. because thats what it is – boring and NO ONE feels good hearing about it.

    You are a success Lynn even though you say otherwise. You have a happy and enduring marriage, you have nurtured and sustained your children through the good as well as very challenging times. More importantly, your children adore you – as do all their friends.

    Your kind of success (and you are successful) is hard to quantify and articulate. At a reunion or other places its easier and I suppose safer to discuss “what you do”. The other things, like the quality of your relationships with your husband and children is not something people people find easy to talk about.

    You know that saying that that goes something like, “People don’t remember what you said or did, but, how you made them feel.” Your self-deprecating style and sense of humor makes people feel good. Its refreshing. My girls and I think you are great!

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      Margaret, that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me so THANK YOU for that. I was fine with my life and i still am. I explained to a friend there who was feeling “unsuccessful” that she made the decision that was best for her and therefore, she has nothing to apologize for. I feel the same way.

  2. Lady Estrogen
    May 3, 2011

    Haha – sounds kinda like what people would say about me too – well, except for the wet t-shirt contest.
    Words probably used to describe me include, but not limited to: loud, skanky, stoned, slutty, funny, bitchy, that girl that comes to basketball with paint all over herself.
    Lady Estrogen recently posted..Its Q&ampA Time in the EstrohoodMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      Ok, but i wasn’t slutty back then! HAHAHA…you kill me

  3. Sounds like fun! Love your recounted conversations LOL. You sound like the type of person I would have liked to hang out with in college.
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..How @Twitter has RuinedMyLifeMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      I had fun in college…i should have studied a bit more but things worked out just fine

  4. Katja Brown
    May 3, 2011

    If you were into swimming in college you might be interested in this documentary:

    It is directed by one of my relatives (Charlie Dobal). Unfortunately, this documentary is not in wide distribution. However, I DO have a copy of the DVD at home. If you are interested, I’ll loan it to you. Quite a moving story!


    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      thanks…i’ll check it out.

  5. Monika
    May 3, 2011

    You say that stuff like it’s a bad thing!!!!!! Really, you have always been such a bright light in so many people’s lives. You keep us all grounded in the stuff that really matters….friends, family, and laughter. I often reflect back to my wonderful times in college…and what a big part of that was due to your friendship. You will forever be a special presence in my life. I love you to pieces!

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      wow…you actually commented. I feel the same about you. It was an awesome weekend and i had a helluva good time. I really can’t believe i don’t come up there more often and you HAVE TO COME VISIT ME down here.


  6. Michelle
    May 3, 2011

    Lynn, you remind me of me. Screw ’em if they can’t take a joke! Someone has to bring the fun…THAT is your job! You are the bringer of fun! And that is a full-time job for sure.

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      I know…and completely exhausting. That’s why i needed my Xanax. I agree with you

  7. T's Mom
    May 3, 2011

    Oh Lynn…….

    Success is not measured by what you do or did – success is accomplish – if your accomplishments are rewarding to you – success is yours!

    Not everyone is meant to be “the most important ” – your husband loves and appreciates you – your children love and appreciate you – I will go out on a limb and say your extended family loves and appreciates you in their own way.

    Your personal accomplishments have been established by your own measure – NOTHING else matters!

    You share yourself through your blog – my goodness, the good, the bad and the just plane old UGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    College was a time for you to break the rules – what ever you thought they were.

    That certainly was another time and place. I dare to say you would not look to repeat it?

    Living life itself, you have much to be proud of. You are your biggest obstacle – open your heart and mind and the possibilities are endless!

    The greatest lessons we can learn in life is that when things are upside down stand on your head. Be ready and willing for anything – never stop going forward – appreciate and embrace friendships and family – put yourself out there, the possibility for surprise and contentment are yours to accept!

    Hey, while you are at it – MAKE it a great day!

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      hahaha…thanks… I wasn’t really all that worried about it. As i’ve always told my kids, if i had found a JOB that i loved then i’d still be doing it. I make no apologies about myself or my life. It was just funny though…as to who or what i was. I have always been a divisive person who was either really liked or really hated. I can’t worry about that crap…so i don’t.

  8. Theresa Sonoda
    May 3, 2011

    Damn, I really didn’t like people like you in high school and college….so why is it I like you so much? You are funny, no doubt about that. And nowadays, my attitude leans toward your way of thinking more than I’d care to admit. No apologies. Just enjoying life.
    P.S. And I forgot to say WOW, Johns Hopkins! Impressive.

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      hmmm…i don’t think i was all that mean to be honest. I just ignored people that i didn’t want to be around. I never actually said anything to them. however, perception is everything i suppose.

  9. Alexandra
    May 3, 2011

    I loved this post.

    It’s your honest that makes this such a good blog.

    At least you admit now that you were mean, and don’t deny it.

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      Thanks…it always means a lot to me when you stop by and comment. Yep, I’m just me…warts and all!!!

  10. Jessica
    May 3, 2011

    I love that Josh said of course your blog is named All Fooked Up.

    • Lynn
      May 3, 2011

      I was just sitting here thinking that I probably should be doing something productive with my life when i read your comment. It made me realize that some people get me and my blog so that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t quit it. So thanks for that!

  11. I can’t see you as anything BUT the life of the party. Even 30 years later.

    I hung out with some water polo players in college. Those guys were HOT!!!

    • Lynn
      May 4, 2011

      Yeah, my friends played water polo too! Swimmers are hot…as are lacrosse players. That’s who i hung out with.

  12. Dori Jalazo
    May 3, 2011

    WOW ! You, did GREAT. You lived a whole lifetime this past weekend. Truth during the crapfest, truth in feeling , truth in searching, and full circle back to the incredible person you are. It’s got nothing to do with what any of us DO, it’s who we are inside. Sometimes those with the least confidence inside , use their big time JOB to define them, but in the long run it doesn’t really work.

    • Lynn
      May 4, 2011

      Well, i was explaining that it takes a certain amount of balls to go back and see a bunch of successful people with NO JOB to define you. It was all good though…i had a great time.

  13. Leeann
    May 4, 2011

    John Hopkins and no job, now I know I am f–ked. Love the blog keep it going for those of us from lesser institutions who can not find the job that makes them hole. I have looked at it upside down inside out all around still not found.

    • Lynn
      May 4, 2011

      Oh, i’m sure i could have a job if i liked. I just haven’t found one i loved. In retrospect, i should have gone into something much more artistic. Of course, i didn’t know that at the time. Good luck finding something you love!

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