This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i was expired … but not dead

Apparently, I stepped on the back of the dragon or something because some karmic force is out to get me.  Yesterday, I received an email from American Express asking me to call them about fraudulent charges.


I dialed the 800 number and actually spoke to a REAL LIVE HUMAN BEING.  Here was the conversation:


Guy:                have you bought gas in New York?

Me:                  ever?

Guy:                yesterday

Me:                  no

Guy:                so you didn’t buy gas in New York yesterday?

Me:                  no

Guy:                how about at a Pathway?

Me:                  a what?

Guy:                did you spend $128 at Pathway in New York today?

Me:                  I’m in North Carolina

Guy:                so you didn’t spend money in New York today?

Me:                  NO, because I’m in North Carolina

Guy:                is your card with you?

Me:                  yes, my card is in North Carolina with me

Guy:                Did you spend $2 at the New York Transit Authority yesterday?

Me:                  people can charge $2 on the transit authority on an American Express card?

Guy:                yes, they can

Me:                  no, I didn’t

Guy:                how about Target?

Me:                  where was the Target?

Guy:                Greensboro, North Carolina

Me:                  yes, that was me

Guy:                ok, we will have to cancel this account and send you a new card

Me:                  oh no! I have that number memorized. It’s crucial

Guy:                well, you will be getting a new one

So there was that.


Today, I realized that I needed to run to the drugstore.  Now I hate errands and avoid them if at all possible.  In a perfect world, I would avoid the errand until it coincided with something Kevin had to pick up but unfortunately; Kevin is out of town so I had no choice.  I was driving to the drugstore when I noticed a cop behind me.


I checked my speedometer and it was all-good, I was under the speed limit.  I relaxed and continued and all of a sudden, lights came on.  What the fuck? This guy was pulling me?  I can’t even remember the last time I was pulled.  I certainly wasn’t speeding and was all ready for a fight.


Cop:                ma’am, do you know your tag is expired?


Me:                  what?

Cop:                your tag is expired; let me see your registration


Me:                  here it is


Cop:                what day does it say your tag expired?


Me:                  4/15/12


Cop:                …and what day is it now?

Me:                  April 16th


Cop:                it’s expired


Me:                  are you kidding me?


Cop:                ma’am you can see the date yourself


Me:                  (actually I’m speechless here)


Cop:                Do you have a driver’s license on you?

Me:                  of course I have a drivers license on me (hopefully unexpired by the way)


So I hand him the license and off he goes.  I can’t fucking believe this.  One day.  ONE DAMN DAY.  So I’m sitting in the car trying to figure out how to spin this one to Kevin.  I’m pretty sure that this will be a much easier sell than when I accidentally backed out of the garage WITHOUT OPEING THE GARAGE DOOR FIRST therefore damaging the door.


And I did that three different times.  All I can think is stupid drugstore, stupid expiration and stupid life and then I remember that Kevin has been telling me for weeks to do my paperwork.  I bet that’s where the son-of-a-bitch registration card is hiding: Underneath all of the bills.


I paid my taxes on time.  What does everyone want from me?  Eventually the cop comes back.


Cop:                if you go to court and show you’ve registered I’m sure you can get out of this ticket


Me:                  ok


Cop:                it’s unfortunate that you missed the date


Me:                  (no comment … I’m trying hard here)


Cop:                but actually, your tag expired on March 31st and we give you two weeks leeway with the date


Me:                  (no comment)


Cop:                you should be happy it’s me and not the Highway Patrol; they really get you for this


Me:                  (I’m thinking what the hell could they do? Throw me in jail)


Cop:                have a nice day ma’am and don’t forget your court date


And I leave.  I go to the drugstore and guess what? They’re so backed up that I can’t even wait around for the prescription.


But I don’t want you to think that I didn’t learn my lesson.  I’m never running errands again.

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  1. Darrin
    May 1, 2012

    Wrong lesson. The lesson should be you should have taken heed of Kevin’s reminders.
    Darrin recently posted..sheet music for broadway songsMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      what? Listen to Kevin?

  2. So you know I went off checking expiration dates …
    and guess what, Ian’s is about to expire – the one he asked me to fix ..
    Now if I just remember later since I have to go out now ;)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..JDaniel4′sMom and Pausing for a MomentMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      see how helpful i am

  3. Amberr Meadows
    May 1, 2012

    What a bummer all around. I vote for not running errands either. ;-)
    Amberr Meadows recently posted..Travel: Dream Vacation from HELLMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      let’s all just quit

  4. Jester Queen
    May 1, 2012

    Oh my GOD. I think the real lesson is that it may be time to move under a ROCK. Seriously. You need padding for when the asteroids fall and target you, because that was the perfect trifecta of shit, oh hell, and fucking damn!

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      i’d have shit happen to me even under a rock

  5. Julie
    May 1, 2012

    How freaky weird! It’s as if you spent a day in my life! I hope you included wine.

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      not really a wine drinker…beer or liquor

  6. Alexandra
    May 1, 2012

    Hate the sinking feeling of someone using my credit card.

    It feels so….personal.

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      especially for a two dollar subway ride, right???

  7. Melanie
    May 1, 2012

    Ack! Especially about the cop! My tags expired yesterday because I need a smog and couldn’t replace a tube I need so it’ll pass, ’til this weekend. I suck at budgeting. Hopefully I don’t meet one of those cops.

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      Well, I’m in North Carolina…I’m sure you’ll meet different cops

  8. Dazee Dreamer
    May 1, 2012

    I’m thinking that cop needed some donuts. Give me a break, 2 weeks. what a freaking creep. breathing, breathing

    • Lynn
      May 1, 2012

      yeah, and now i have to go to court…bummer

  9. Dawn
    May 1, 2012

    So, you would probably be pissed to learn that I haven’t bothered to renew my husband’s license plates that expired in FEBRUARY until today and he hasn’t even gotten a 2nd look from a policeman, then, right? And that they only charge $5 in MO if you are late renewing. Oh, and that I have done this EVERY YEAR SINCE WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED (in 1991) in spite of the fact that I can renew online. ‘Cause, really, why break the cycle if it’s been working so well all this time?
    I did, however, renew the plates on my own car a month before they expired. ‘Cause I don’t want anyone to think I’m irresponsible or anything.
    Running errands is overrated, btw. So glad you finally came to this realization.

    • Lynn
      May 2, 2012

      Hahaha…lucky you. I have a court date now ;(

  10. Well at least you learned your lesson! I gave up on errands long ago. They never lead to anything good.

  11. Renee
    May 6, 2012

    someone should really start a business where they do all this crap for you. Pick up prescriptions, get car tags, go to court. Like a butler…..but for regular people.

  12. RDB
    May 10, 2012

    You are soooooo BAD!!! Only a Lynn MacDonald response…..but I love it! Can’t believe you didn’t say a few more choice words to that cop though!!!

    • Lynn
      May 10, 2012

      Robin! You’re alive…and you read my blog!!! I’m writing this down in my diary

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