This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Apparently, I stepped on the back of the dragon or something because some karmic force is out to get me. Yesterday, I received an email from American Express asking me to call them about fraudulent charges.
I dialed the 800 number and actually spoke to a REAL LIVE HUMAN BEING. Here was the conversation:
Guy: have you bought gas in New York?
Guy: so you didn’t buy gas in New York yesterday?
Guy: how about at a Pathway?
Me: a what?
Guy: did you spend $128 at Pathway in New York today?
Me: I’m in North Carolina
Guy: so you didn’t spend money in New York today?
Me: NO, because I’m in North Carolina
Guy: is your card with you?
Me: yes, my card is in North Carolina with me
Guy: Did you spend $2 at the New York Transit Authority yesterday?
Me: people can charge $2 on the transit authority on an American Express card?
Guy: yes, they can
Me: no, I didn’t
Guy: how about Target?
Me: where was the Target?
Guy: Greensboro, North Carolina
Me: yes, that was me
Guy: ok, we will have to cancel this account and send you a new card
Me: oh no! I have that number memorized. It’s crucial
Guy: well, you will be getting a new one
So there was that.
Today, I realized that I needed to run to the drugstore. Now I hate errands and avoid them if at all possible. In a perfect world, I would avoid the errand until it coincided with something Kevin had to pick up but unfortunately; Kevin is out of town so I had no choice. I was driving to the drugstore when I noticed a cop behind me.
I checked my speedometer and it was all-good, I was under the speed limit. I relaxed and continued and all of a sudden, lights came on. What the fuck? This guy was pulling me? I can’t even remember the last time I was pulled. I certainly wasn’t speeding and was all ready for a fight.
Cop: ma’am, do you know your tag is expired?
Cop: your tag is expired; let me see your registration
Me: here it is
Cop: what day does it say your tag expired?
Cop: …and what day is it now?
Me: April 16th
Cop: it’s expired
Me: are you kidding me?
Cop: ma’am you can see the date yourself
Me: (actually I’m speechless here)
Cop: Do you have a driver’s license on you?
Me: of course I have a drivers license on me (hopefully unexpired by the way)
So I hand him the license and off he goes. I can’t fucking believe this. One day. ONE DAMN DAY. So I’m sitting in the car trying to figure out how to spin this one to Kevin. I’m pretty sure that this will be a much easier sell than when I accidentally backed out of the garage WITHOUT OPEING THE GARAGE DOOR FIRST therefore damaging the door.
And I did that three different times. All I can think is stupid drugstore, stupid expiration and stupid life and then I remember that Kevin has been telling me for weeks to do my paperwork. I bet that’s where the son-of-a-bitch registration card is hiding: Underneath all of the bills.
I paid my taxes on time. What does everyone want from me? Eventually the cop comes back.
Cop: if you go to court and show you’ve registered I’m sure you can get out of this ticket
Cop: it’s unfortunate that you missed the date
Me: (no comment … I’m trying hard here)
Cop: but actually, your tag expired on March 31st and we give you two weeks leeway with the date
Me: (no comment)
Cop: you should be happy it’s me and not the Highway Patrol; they really get you for this
Me: (I’m thinking what the hell could they do? Throw me in jail)
Cop: have a nice day ma’am and don’t forget your court date
And I leave. I go to the drugstore and guess what? They’re so backed up that I can’t even wait around for the prescription.
But I don’t want you to think that I didn’t learn my lesson. I’m never running errands again.