This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
I’m sitting here in the bar of The Four Seasons in Westlake Village, California. Notice that I’m IN the bar but not actually sitting AT the bar. I thought about it but there are five men up there and although there’s one more chair, I just kept envisioning myself in some sad movie where the floozie sidles up to the bar to get her drink and honestly, I just couldn’t go there.
So, how did this situation come to be you might be asking yourself. When I concocted the brilliant idea to run to California and visit friends while Kevin and Daniel looked at colleges, I never imagined that a string of bad luck would leave me alone and adrift in Southern California for a day and a half. I actually had one primary friend I was going to visit and four other friends that were in the area. My big worry was actually, how will I manage to schedule them all in?
When I made my reservation to stay here, they did indeed inform me that the Spa would be closed on Monday. I didn’t give it any thought because I was pretty sure my dance card was full so going to the spa wasn’t high on my priorities however, a series of unfortunate events (wow, that would be a hell of a name for a series) has impinged on my plans and I was accidentally left with a free day. My friend (and de facto editor of this blog) had to work on Monday so all of a sudden I had NOTHING to do and NO ONE to do it with!
When I checked in on Friday I was once again reminded that the spa was closed for “filming” on Monday. I asked who was filming but they said they couldn’t tell me. Fortunately, the security guard I passed on the way to the gym had no such compunction. He said they were filming “Desperate Housewives” and that Felicity Huffman was filming a scene at the Spa and the Convention Center. At any rate, it was closed and I couldn’t go over there.
Well naturally, even though I don’t watch the show and indeed, didn’t realize that it was still on, I NOW wanted to see what was going down. After all, I had no plans for the day. I went outside the hotel and walked over to the spa. It’s amazing how much equipment was out there. Trucks, tents, port-a-potties, vans; you name it. And tons of people. Of course there were all these signs don’t enter and other such bullshit but fuck em, I was a hotel guest right?
Basically what I can tell you is that there are a lot of people standing around; those are the people who are on the crew. And then there are extras who are…sorta extra and they seem to stand around too! It all seems rather silly but I can assure you that they’re pretty intense when you try to barge in there.
Also, according to one of the crew, Desperate Housewives is the most watched TV show on earth. Yeah! The whole fucking planet! Isn’t that amazing? Who knew? Not me…oh, and I saw Felicity Huffman and she said “Hey, aren’t you All Fooked Up?” which I thought was rather rude, don’t you? I’m just kidding; I actually did see her walking from makeup to the next scene but we didn’t speak as I was kind of peeking in where I wasn’t supposed to be. I did decide that I liked her based on the fact that she was walking barefoot and carrying her shoes; my kind of gal!
After my decision that I would no longer seek a future in the television business, I went down to Malibu to have lunch and I saw a bunch of super bleached, over processed blondes with boatloads of makeup on. It’s ironic because the more makeup they pile on, the worse they look. Apparently, mirrors are a rare commodity around that neck of the woods.
At the table next to me, this one dead ringer for Real Housewives of the OC stood up and started moving the umbrella around to better serve her, completely ignoring the family of four that was also using the umbrella. These are the types of things you notice when you’re on your own for lunch. I thought about yelling at her for being such a selfish bitch but then they refilled my iced tea and I saw a school of porpoises so I forgot about her. I doubt she would have heard me because of the six inch shield of makeup that she had on her face anyways.
On the bright side, the wait staff clearly felt sorry for me and assured me that it was no problem that I had managed to lose my Valet parking ticket in the hour it took me to walk into the restaurant and eat lunch. When I said it was that silver car up there(pointing up there) they brought me someone else’s car. While I appreciated the upgrade, I declined their fine offer of a BRAND NEW CAR and decided to drive around in the one that Hertz gave me.
I then set off for Beverly Hills with my trusty Hertz NeverLost system talking in my ear. Rodeo Drive was a huge disappointment as it seemed to be full of overly made up men and women. This seemed to confirm my suspicion that there is an inverse relationship between good looks and money and makeup. The more money people seem to have out here, the more inches of makeup they pile on and the grosser they look. I clearly am failing since I rarely wear makeup but whatever. This is just my observation so don’t try and Google that fact.
At any rate, I wanted to buy a pocketbook and indeed, managed to do so. As my mission was completed I decided to check out Beverly Hills before I headed back to the hotel. Conclusion: I COULD NEVER LIVE OUT HERE. While the houses and everything seem beautiful, it’s all so closed off. Fences and gates and walls keep everyone out; even your neighbors. I felt isolated just driving around and it’s so different from the types of neighborhoods where I’ve lived where the kids go outside and play.
Eventually, I ventured back to my hotel and I decided to print out my boarding pass in the lobby. As I was standing there I saw a man carrying a case and a bellhop rolling some luggage. I wasn’t really paying much attention since after all, this is a hotel and luggage is not all that unusual until…UNTIL I saw these electric blue, ridiculously high heeled set of shoes round the corner.
As I was pondering how any human could actually walk in such a set if shoes, I looked up past the flouncy little dreads and saw that it was…Jennifer Lopez! Or at least I thought it was cuz she was so super dressed up but also so tiny; especially considering she was on stilts. She didn’t look at me though. She was in a word, unapproachable. She made a beeline for the car and got in. I then asked if that was J Lo (yep, like we’re besties now). It was and apparently while I was wasting my time checking out the desperate people, J Lo was filming some segment in the garden. Damn! Missed that too!
So there you are…apparently I just attract these types of drive by ignoring since I didn’t actually meet Felicity or Jennifer but seriously, their loss. I have met tons of other people here but haven’t even been promoting my blog.
In other news, I’m not in the least bit funny on the West Coast. Don’t know why but that’s a fact!
Shit, I just reread this post and its boring…if you’re reading it then I obviously don’t give a shit…perhaps I’m just recuperating from being ignored by actresses…
I’m just saying…