This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i will faint

AUTHORS NOTE: This was written on Friday morning before my standup that night, OK?

 

I’m sitting at the computer thrumming with energy.  It could be the 6 cups of coffee that I’ve already had, or the fact that I worked out already.  Perhaps it’s the Ritalin I took or it could even be the nervous excitement I have over tonight.

 

What’s tonight you might ask?  Tonight is my stand-up comedy debut.  As you know, or you would if you were actually reading my blog, I had an assbackwards mix-up, which is actually not all that unusual now that I think about it.  Well, at any rate, I thought my blog was getting promoted but actually I was supposed to be promoting somebody else.  Long story short, (or read it here), I’m doing a 5 minute stand up routine at The Idiot Box.

 

5 minutes, that doesn’t sound like much does it?  Well, it does if you have a Vagus Nerve problem.  What’s a Vagus Nerve problem?  I’m sorry, do I look like a doctor to you?  No, no … I’ll give you the explanation since we talk about it ALL THE TIME in this household.  It’s when you’re in a situation brought on by emotional stress or anxiety, or by sudden pain. What happens is that the Vagus Nerve gets stimulating causing the heart rate to slow therefore your blood vessels dilate and pool in your legs. Doesn’t that sound gross?  In addition to fainting, Vagal Nerve stimulation often causes pallor, a cold sweat, and nausea.  It usually only lasts a few minutes but when you’re dying, that’s a lot of time.  Especially if you’re on a stage doing stand up!

Basically, you start shaking, get nauseous and pass out.  So yeah, that happens to me and yet, I’m going up on stage.

 

To circumvent the fainting you would think that I would have prepared a little something to say up there but honestly, I don’t even know how to do one liners.  I know I’m a fairly funny person but usually, it’s just me telling my little stories or saying things to shock people.  I actually went so far to write some stuff down but I can’t seem to memorize it and I know myself, I’ll completely go off on a tangent anyways so why bother.

 

Kevin (my husband) wants to know exactly what time I’ll be on so he can monitor my beer intake.  “Two beers is perfect Lynn”, he said, “you’ll be relaxed and funny but it can’t be too long before you get up there or else your mood will start crashing.”  So yeah, the timing is ultra important and honestly, I haven’t actually ironed out any of the details.

 

Meanwhile, because I’ve been so distracted all week by this stand-up thing, certain problems have arisen in the household.  For example, yesterday Daniel, who is normally a very laid back child, came home from lacrosse practice yelling at me.

 

Daniel:                        “Mom, you screwed up!”

 

Me:                             “What, what did I do?” (Notice the complete and total lack of denial…how sad is that?)

 

Daniel:                        “I was informed today that my Sports Physical was never turned in.”

 

Me:                             “Ummm…that’s because we haven’t gotten one yet.”

 

Daniel:                        “WHAT?”

 

Me:                             “Ummm…yeah, I kinda forgot about it”

 

Daniel:                        “well that’s just great mom because I can’t practice or play without it and we have a game on Monday”

 

Me:                             “No problem, we’ll get it done on Saturday at the doc-in-the-box!”

 

Daniel:                        “I have practice on Saturday and then a huge school project.  This is unbelievable.”
 

 

Me:                             “Why am I always the bad guy?”

 

 

Daniel:                        “… because I didn’t do a sport all winter and had a ton of time and now I have no time and we don’t have the physical to turn in”

 

Me:                              “Why didn’t you remind me?”

 

Daniel:                        “You obviously don’t care about me.”
 

 

Me:                              “Why would you say that?”

 

Daniel:                        “Because I just served a week’s detention last month because you didn’t fill out the school medical form I sent you…”

 

Me:                              “…I didn’t realize it was all that important…”

 

Daniel:                        “it was due last September”

 

Me:                              “See?  How important could it have been if they didn’t bitch about that until January?”

 

Daniel:                        “They weren’t going to let me go on the junior backpacking trip without it”

 

Me:                              “I know, that’s why I finally turned it in…it’s the same damn form every year, why do I have to keep filling it out?”

 

Daniel:                        “because the school said so… I emailed it to you and asked you to fill it out and you STILL didn’t fill it out”

 

Me:                              “Well, it was a form about distribution of meds and you don’t take meds in school so I figured it wasn’t applicable to us”

 

Daniel:                        “Did you even read the part where I said ‘MOM this is required’”

 

Me:                              “Well, I guess I sorta skimmed it…anyways no harm, no foul!”

 

Daniel:                        “Are you kidding me?  I got a week detention because of it”

 

Me:                              “Ahh, you don’t look any the worse for wear to me”

 

Daniel:                        “This is why I say you don’t care about me.  You keep screwing up all these little things.”

 

Me:                              “Well, I’m really busy right now…don’t be a hater, I got my stand up tomorrow night.”

 

(Then Kevin walked in and said)

 

Kevin:                         “Daniel, don’t pick on your mom…she’s obviously feeling bad and she’s overloaded and stressed…I mean, normally she only gets Sundays off (it’s true, Sunday is my day off) but we need to cut her a break this week”

 

Me:                              “Thanks Kevin…see Daniel… (in my whiney voice which is normally very effective)  Don’t you still love your mom?”

 

Daniel:                        (still scowling)

 

Me:                              “Hey, at least I got dinner for tonight cuz I went to the store!”

 

Kevin:                         “Excellent!  Did you remember to pick up Fiber One?”

 

Me:                              “Umm…oh, I forgot!”

 

Kevin:                         “Are you serious?”

 

Daniel:                        “Hahaha…Dad…see what I mean?”

 

Me:                              “What? Okay, okay… tomorrow I’ll make a list”

 

Kevin and Daniel then fist bump, agree I suck and that maybe I should use all this in my routine tonight but I’m sure I’ll forget onstage so I typed it up here instead.  So, there you are; just another typical day in the MacDonald household.

 

Except tonight!  I become a star…or I faint…one or the other.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. Nicki
    February 28, 2011

    I can’t wait to hear how it went! I am sure you will do fine! Can you Youtube it???

    • Lynn
      February 28, 2011

      It is on there already…look at the previous post…on which I stand up

  2. FranceRants
    February 28, 2011

    Well????

    • Lynn
      February 28, 2011

      Hahaha

  3. RDB
    March 6, 2011

    Poor Daniel for having such a “slacker mother”!!! But, I guess it could be worse……….he could be constipated like Kevin without his FiberOne bars!!! HAHAHA!!!

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2011

      Hahaha…it’s cereal, not bars Robin!

  4. Pamela D. Hart
    March 6, 2011

    Well, join the club, Lynn. What club, you ask? The “You WON’T Win Mother of The Year Award Club”. You can sit right next to me. I’ll save you a seat.

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2011

      Hahaha…thanks for saving me a seat! I appreciate it.

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