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In which i work out next to my skeletal system

I went to Pilates this morning and the person who is usually in the class with me was conspicuously absent but there was a new person in the class.  She was from out of town and was just in NC for a week and decided to come to the class.  She was mid-twenties and she was TINY.  I don’t mean she was short, she wasn’t.  I mean she was so thin that at one point the sun came out and she didn’t cast a shadow.

 

So, there I am all “me” like and out-of-shape, pudgy and somewhat inelastic.  As we were doing all the exercises I happened to glance over at her.  Of course, I was in a pretty good mood so I had already been chatting quite a bit, which really means that I make caustic and sarcastic comments.  At any rate, I had already cleared my chatting with her by asking her if “she had a sense of humor?”  She replied that she did so I kept up my monologue.

 

So, I was working out and trust me, this girl wasn’t anorexic but she was damn close to it and I started thinking, “hmmm…that’s probably what my skeletal system looks like under all of my body mass.”  Well, after that thought popped into my head, I literally had to fight with myself not to say it out loud because I figured she would find it somewhat offensive.

 

But seriously, our instructor would say “bend at the waist” and of course, I don’t have one as that would imply that there’s some “definition” to my body but the girl would bend and I would think “hmmm…so that’s what the inside of my body is attempting to do.”

 

Then this segued into “I wonder if my bones look like that on the inside” to the point where I really couldn’t even follow directions anymore.  The instructor would say “Lynn, we’re doing this” or “Lynn, we’re doing that” but I was just trying to bite my tongue and not make a comment on working out next to my skeletal system.

 

So yeah, I finally finished that workout fortunately without destroying anyone’s mind but my own.

 

Next, I had to go drop off some dry cleaning for “same day” service so that Kevin has something to wear to our little party we’re having tomorrow night.  Because Kevin is married to a moron and is an over-explainer at the best of times, he was very clear on what he wanted.

 

Kevin:             Lynn, make sure you tell them about the creases in the pants.

 

Me:                  Hmmm…

 

Kevin:             Lynn, are you listening to me?

 

Me:                  Of course

 

Kevin:             Remember that I like my khakis with no front crease, ironed flat,

 

Me:                  Ok…

 

Kevin:             … but my dress pants need a front crease.

 

Me:                  OK…

 

Kevin:             Got it?

 

Me:                  Creases all over the place, right?

 

Kevin:             Lynn, are you fucking with me?

 

Me:                  Yes

 

Kevin:             …so, you’ll drop the dry cleaning off?

 

Me:                  What? You have dry cleaning?

 

Hahaha … at any rate, I dropped them off and called Kevin to tell him about the whole “skeletal thing” which really didn’t translate all that well as you could probably already tell from the story above and he says:

 

Kevin:             Did you tell them about the creases?

 

Me:                  Yeah, I told them that you liked them so much so they should add in a few more.

 

Kevin:             What?

 

Me:                  Yeah, why have one crease when 5 would be so much prettier?

 

Kevin:             You’re a pain in the ass.

 

Me:                  Also, I told them to crease them horizontally rather than vertically.

 

Kevin:             Lynn?

 

Me:                  Then you can look like an accordion blind….hahaha…that would be awesome!

 

Kevin:             Lynn, did you tell them about my creases?

 

Me:                  OMG!  I have to go…there are ducklings crossing the road.

 

And so I hung up and now I have to rant.  There were about 14 Canadian Geese and their little Canadian Geese babies crossing the road, which is 4 lanes plus a central turning lane.  The person in front of me just blasted through almost HITTING some of the babies but then both myself and the person in the lane next to me stopped.

 

In the other direction, someone almost plowed over some ducklings too until both lanes stopped.  PEOPLE:  haven’t you ever read, “Make way for the ducklings?” Good god.  Are you in so much of a hurry that you have to massacre an entire family?  Slow the fuck down and stop for the birds.  OK?

 

All right, I’m done.  That was my morning.  Can’t wait to go pick up that dry cleaning.  Kevin will be soooo excited when he see’s what I’ve done.

 

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27 Comments

  1. Vinobaby
    May 27, 2011

    Oh, totally hear you about the skinny young b*&$ch in class. I have a 17-year-old dancer/MODEL in my yoga and pilates classes. She can stretch her long perfect legs straight up in the air. She could be my {eek} daughter. I want to hate her, but she’s so damn nice.

    And you need to tell Kevin to drop off his own dry cleaning if he’s going to be so fussy. Just saying…

    People who run over baby geese have no soul.

    Cheers.
    VB
    Vinobaby recently posted..Swimsuit Shopping Part Deux- In the NavyMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 27, 2011

      Yeah…skinny people shouldn’t be in my class. Kevin does everything already. People who sped over ducks should be slaughtered.

      Thanks for reading.,,and commenting

  2. Jenn Fox
    May 27, 2011

    Up here in the Great White North we just call them geese or, more often than not, those pains in the ass that shit all over the place and have a tendancy to chase down small children and peck them. That being said, I would still not want to run an entire family of them down.

    I guess I am lucky in that my husband only has stuff that can be thrown in the dryer and he doesn’t even seem to care if they are wrinklely . . . which is good because I DO NOT iron and I don’t think he has in his entire life.

    Anyhoo, great post.

    • Lynn
      May 27, 2011

      Hahaha…they do shit a lot but since they mate for life, killing one destroys true love!!! Also, there were tons of babies

      • Jenn Fox
        May 27, 2011

        Apparently there is a whole lot of nookie going on outside of those pairings . . . they are not quite as faithful as they would like you to think!

        • Lynn
          May 27, 2011

          Really? Is that true? So they’re really French geese then

  3. raquel
    May 27, 2011

    Make way for Duckilings…now that brings me back.
    Funny Post.
    raquel recently posted..Back In My DayPaaaleeeze!My Profile

    • Lynn
      May 27, 2011

      hahaha…used to read that book to the kids ALL THE TIME because it’s about Boston

  4. Suzy
    May 27, 2011

    Hilarious from top to bottom.
    Suzy recently posted..LASign Of The Times 81My Profile

    • Lynn
      May 27, 2011

      wow…that means a LOT coming from you so THANK YOU SO MUCH

  5. Shannon
    May 27, 2011

    I see that you too are married to my husband. Good job with the ducklings.

    • Lynn
      May 27, 2011

      great…just what i need, more than one husband. hahaha

  6. Lady Estrogen
    May 27, 2011

    Hahaha – my hubby would have imploded at that mockery. His face puffs up and goes red… and I do it more and more.
    Really skinny people shouldn’t be at the gym, period. Once they reach a certain weight, it should be mandatory for them to quit.

  7. Name *
    May 27, 2011

    Hilarious! I want a pic of those pants! :D

    • Lynn
      May 27, 2011

      hahaha…i love ruining my husbands day…still not sure why he’s still married to me…hahaha

  8. Karen
    May 27, 2011

    Those damned canadian geese are EVERYWHERE in Greensboro! I swear to God, everywhere you go you have to look out for those fucking things. It is insane! Funny, I live outside the city limits though and we don’t have them here, just right in the middle of the city…..crazy huh?

  9. Alison@Mama Wants This
    May 28, 2011

    Haha! Working out next to your skeletal system – I love the way you think! I too have to have a filter between my thoughts and my mouth. So many times, I’ve had to fight the urge to say things that pop into my head.

    I find ducks fascinating, the way the whole family walks in a line.

    • Lynn
      May 28, 2011

      Well…I have a crappy filter but even I know there’d are some things you just don’t say…

  10. I was laughing so hard, my hubby had to come over and read it to find out what was going on…

    Love the accordion blind comment!

    p.s. I have yet to see a duck in China, well a live duck anyway. Maybe because they eat more ducks than chickens here.

    • Lynn
      May 29, 2011

      Hahaha…thanks

  11. Vanita
    May 31, 2011

    OMG my sides hurt. do you think adding accordion creases to my shirts will give the illusion of a waist?
    Vanita recently posted..Exposing Your BlogMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 31, 2011

      hmmm…we might be on to something here

  12. RCB
    May 31, 2011

    Lynn, this ain’t no joke. Two days ago my girlfriend had borrowed my car and parked it somewhere she said there were no trees, because birds always shit on my car, especially when it’s just been scrubbed my me myself and I. So yesterday we were on out way to my car and I said I hope no one’s been shitting on it. Guess what I saw when I turned the corner: a huge goose the size of King Kong himself sitting on the roof of my car like it was his freaking property. Just like that. Now I hate geese shitting on my hood let alone relaxing on my roof, but when I got to my car wanting to do I don’t know what, I saw the goose wasn’t alone. Of course there had to be little baby geese everywhere. So I just looked at my shitty car (take that literally), sighed and went on my way to the car wash. Does that make me a better person now?

    As for Ms-Skinny-Here-Are-My-Bones, it could’ve been much worse. Sometimes their bones make funny little noises. That would’ve been ‘biting your tongue – the real challenge’.

    Have a nice day

    • Lynn
      May 31, 2011

      hahaha..ON YOUR CAR? too funny… nope, you’re definitely a good person because of the geese

  13. RCB
    May 31, 2011

    I don’t believe it . . . another typo :) No wonder I couldn’t get that job as an editor. My typing sucks.

  14. Katja Brown
    May 31, 2011

    Someone that goes to the gym every weekday can’t be “out-of-shape, pudgy and somewhat inelastic.”

    • Lynn
      May 31, 2011

      you’d be amazed…especially lately when i’ve been in major self-destruct mode

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