This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
In which i write “Dear Lynn”
Dear Lynn:
You’re fired. By the way, this is your conscience speaking. As I (we) walked into the kitchen this morning I couldn’t help but notice the fiasco that is your life. Your kitchen is a mess. A FUCKING mess. Now, considering you did nothing yesterday but sit around the house and wait for a delivery, don’t you think that you could have actually unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it so that the immense pile of dishes in your sink wasn’t tottering precariously?
And the sheer amount of paperwork and UNFINISHED lists lying around on the counter is actually quite impressive. It SEEMS as if you have a lot of tasks that require tending around the house, which is why I find it so interesting that you did nothing but play Mahjong Tiles on your computer all day yesterday.
What? What did you say? You wrote a post too! I’m sorry. Does that really count as anything REAL? I mean I’m in the office now and LOOK AROUND YOU. It looks like your desk was hit by a tornado. I see bills that are yet to be paid; Deposits that are yet to be made. Hey, those two things rhymed. I also see loads of things that need to be filed and dare I say it, have you changed those travel arrangements yet? Yeah, I thought not.
And these are just the things I see. I KNOW for a fact that there is a GIGANTIC TO DO list of maintenance type tasks for your house. Why, let’s just do a little mental walk through ONLY YOUR BEDROOM! Don’t you remember that you got a new bed and you hate it? Didn’t they say they’d exchange it if you let them know? Have you let them know yet? I know for a fact that Kevin (your husband) told you to take care of it last week and yet, NOTHING! NADA!
Let’s continue if you will. The blinds. What did you say? Oh, you were mumbling. That’s right Lynn; the blinds need to be restrung, both in the bedroom and the bathroom. The fact that they no longer can go up and down completely annoys your husband but your excuse of “it’s kinda nice in the dark” is beginning to grate on his last nerve and trust me, when it comes to you the man has more nerves than a person should have.
And the shower. Remember that the hot water gauge was broken? And you attempted to get it fixed? And then the fix didn’t work? And Kevin told you about that two MONTHS ago? And now they’re billing you for a fix that didn’t work?
Yeah, I know you remember. And I know why you’re avoiding it. It’s because the next step is ripping out the plumbing and you don’t feel like dealing with it. I know it’s going to be a gigantic hassle but still, it needs to be done. Some people (ahem your husband) actually like to have temperature control on their showers. So don’t you think it would behoove you to take care of that?
And let’s not even get into the travel arrangements you completely and totally fucked up. Have you fixed them yet? I know for a fact you didn’t because even your conscience is beginning to get worried. I realize that planning trips is a gigantic pain in the ass. However, since you planned the entire thing on THE WRONG DAMN WEEK, don’t you think you should get around to changing it? I think you should.
Are you worried about the penalties? Or is it Kevin? Because I know for a fact that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can talk her way out of a fiasco better than you can. So JUST HOP ON IT and fix the arrangements.
Ok. I actually feel better now. All that venting felt good and I actually got a post out of it. I’m going to count that as today’s accomplishment so I think I’ll just put all those little tasks off for tomorrow. Don’t you agree Lynn?
And THAT’S how it’s done folks!
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I agree, “NO ONE, can talk her way out of a fiasco better than you can” Lynn!
NO ONE…hahaha…thanks Katja
“Job well done…Your rehired!”
[From your conscience, on vacation speaking From Sunny South Florida]
on permanent vacation you mean. You’re so funny with your Sunny South Florida salutation. (is it a salutation? I don’t even know!)
Hahahaha! Good one, love this. I reckon you’d get another post if you wrote a reply to your conscience.
Hahaha…I try to totally ignore my conscience
I like your thought process and follow through. Can I hire you to help with my conscience? Mine needs some outside intervention!!
well, the thing is i seem to totally ignore my conscience so i can’t imagine wanting me to help with anything important
Ha!!
We MUST be related!!!
~shoes~
really? are you this bad too?
Of course a post counts as anything real. More real than fixing the house, more real than that freakin’ stack of plates staring in your face, more real than those blinds. Why? Because it’s you.
– Randy
P.S. Just thought of sharing my excuse for not doing anything around the house. You’re welcome, Lynn :)
thanks….as if i actually needed an excuse but now i have one. So yeah, thanks for that.
Damn it. Now you’ve set precedent. My conscience has tried talking, yelling, even singing to get my attention, but I’ve managed to drown it out with my own mumbling. Now it knows it can write me a letter of guilt.
Thanks.
well, don’t let it pressure you. I usually just filter my conscience out and it works just fine.
Haha! Loved this! Maybe you need to reply to your conscience ;)
Hahaha…Dear conscience. back off Bitch!!!
ROFL! Mine talks to me but if it starts writing me letters I’m taking a bridge!
What does that mean? Taking a bridge
Seriously, schedule the shower repair while you are with me at Blogher – then there is no inconvenience to you at all ;)
BTW, love that we both made posts out of nothing … mine was over at @sellabitmum go see, you’ll be proud of my lack of work.
And today, I featured a troll comment – she called me a heretic banal narcissistic Walmart shopping heifer with 3 bratty kids – she was so off the mark, I know I only have two ;)
A heretic? Banal? I get the narcissism. Aren’t you more of a Target type? Hahahaha…I’ll totally check it out!
Procrastination – my middle name – you give me hope
that and pure laziness…a deadly combo
Holy craaaaap, can I relate to this! Thanks for sharing, it’s nice to see that I’m not alone in my household procrastination. LMAO
hahaha..i pretty much suck at running my household
haha, I love this post, sounds like the things that are going on through my mind. I agree with the others though, would love to see a post on replying to your conscience :)
hee! i’ll have to consider that
You’re way nice to yourself than I am to myself.
I am fired on a daily basis.
must not stick though. I’ve been trying to get fired but i suppose a shit mom/wife is better than no mom/wife. Or so it seems.
Thanks for dropping by
Hey, what the HELL does your husband do, anyway? I go to work and I do all the rest of that shiite too! Just sayin. I hope Kevin works for the UN or something.
Hahaha..not the UN. Just a regular job!! I of course, don’t do anything. Ever!
Thank goodness I am not alone……
isn’t it sad that we’re like that? so many of us.
I love this! I hear that but I ignore it as well. I think I share procrastination in common with all my friends…
i think we all do. at least, that’s what i tell myself