This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Guys, it turns out that I’m a fish whisperer!
I know what you’re thinking. We haven’t heard from this chick in forever and she finally decides to write a post and it’s about her fish???? WTF is wrong with her?
Well, I’m here to explain.
As you may or may not know, I have two goldfish: Gilgamesh and Hercules. Gil was a fish that Andie was given while in college and Hercules was won at a carnival. Hence, Herc is a “carnie.”
Anyways, somehow these two fish ended up in my house as Andie felt like they got PTSD every time they drove from Durham to Greensboro. (They didn’t actually drive because they’re fish but they had to be put in little containers that sloshed around a lot.)
As a result, I was supposed to “temporarily” take care of the fish. Four years later they’re still here. I think they miss Tucker because he and I used to spend a ton of time in the office (aka their room) and now I don’t (also because I don’t do my paperwork or write this blog very often) so they don’t get much attention.
HOWEVER, I did come in here last week and notice that Gil was floating on his back. I freaked out because I thought he was dead but I tapped the glass and he moved so I was much relieved.
Kevin is on a business trip but I told him about it. A day or two later I noticed it again … and then again.
Yesterday I thought, “This is pretty fucking weird” so I decided to Google it.
It turns out that fish floating on their backs is NOT GOOD! VERY NOT GOOD. It seems that it happens when they have digestive and/or bladder problems due to AIR in their system. They have to work so hard to stay under water that they get exhausted and float upside down. They can DIE from this.
I freaked out of course. The first direction the document said was to change 50% of the water. Now that’s a big deal because it’s a 10-gallon tank and usually I only do a big job like that with Kevin to help.
BUT … I did it, made a mess, spilled water everywhere but accomplished it.
STEP 2 was GIVE HIM SOME PEAS. Yeah, they were all like:
Get some frozen peas
Peel off the skin
THIS IS A COLOSSAL PAIN IN THE ASS
Feed the peas to the fish.
So as it turns out this is easier said than done. They say that the peas will push out the air and hopefully save the fish.
BUT every time I dropped a goddamn pea into the water HERCULES ate it. POOR LITTLE GIL!!!
Finally Gil ate a pea. Basically 1 for every 4 or 5 Herc ate.
This morning Gil seemed a big better. I can’t tell completely but I haven’t seen him floating at all.
THAT’S WHY I’M A FISH WHISPERER.
Which is good because they had directions on how to HUMANELY KILL YOUR FISH.
Put fish in plastic bag with water.
Put the bag in the freezer.
The cooling temperature will cause the fish to go to sleep calmly.
Basically FUCK MY LIFE!
Thank god I didn’t have to do that.