This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Kevin and I have decided to try one week gluten-free. I know you guys are all thinking WTF but I have read from multiple sources that people who have tried this feel much better and even more importantly, they sleep much better. That’s the important thing because Kevin wakes up at night.
So, I agreed to try it although I really can’t completely cut out caffeine (Kevin is doing that to) but I might be able to make it. Andie suggested I keep a log so here goes:
Star date: DAY 1 of Gluten Free
7:00 I eat my normal breakfast, which is a chocolate protein, shake. So far so good. I also have my normal cup of coffee because … well just because.
8:30 I go work out because that’s what I do. I don’t feel any better or any worse. However, I do manage to do the bike so there’s that.
10:00 I go to the store and try to figure out what the hell to buy because now I have to COOK! You guys know that I don’t cook right? I mean I CAN cook but I hate to cook. Fortunately, Fresh Market has all these Gluten-free labels that help so I buy no stuff with Gluten. I’m killing it.
11:00 Andie calls to see how my gluten-free life is doing. I can’t complain … YET!
12:30 I have decided on all dinner stuff so now it’s time for lunch. I have cottage cheese with fruit. I’m confused about the granola because some sites say you can have oats and some sites say you can’t. I realize that nobody knows what the hell they’re talking about. I include the granola. I’m not struck by lightening so I suppose that is ok.
2:00 I’m starving …
3:00 I’m dying of starvation …
3:10 what the hell can I snack on??? Oh yeah, I bought some gluten-free snack bars so I go get one. Jeez … did I just break my teeth? This thing is hard as a rock BUT it does contain some chocolate so that’s good. I hope I survive.
4:30 Andie inquires how I’m doing? I tell her I’m dying of lack of gluten. She’s in med school and informs me “that’s not a thing.” Fucking education …
6:00 I make dinner. I’m making pork tenderloin and this mixture of rice and quinoa. I’m so hungry I could eat the tenderloin raw but instead I’m arms deep in paprika.
7:15 Kevin finally comes home and we consume dinner. I’m pretty sure that I have lost 300 pounds. I feel no different. Kevin says his day was fine. SHOW OFF!
9:00 I ask Kevin how life is as a “non-glutinous” person. He tells me that’s not a thing. I ask him if he’s gelatinous and he say’s that’s a completely different thing. I stop speaking to Kevin.
Star date: Day 2
I look in the mirror and I look exactly the same. In fact, I had some bad dreams. Will I make it 6 more days? Kevin also slept the same. Hmmm
7:00 I have my protein shake and coffee. Do I look better? Hmmmm…
9:52 I’m on the computer typing this out. Shit, I’m already hungry … also we’re expecting a snow storm which means that the state will close down so I not only have to figure out TODAY’s dinner but TOMORROW’s as well. That’s some heavy shit for me.
1:00 I’m dying from lack of chocolate but great news! I googled it and apparently most frozen yogurt is gluten-free. I’m outta here
4:00 ate the first half of my yogurts
6:00 made dinner; I’m already so over all this work
7:30 ate the second half of my yogurt in the respect that it was an entirely different yogurt and I, in fact, had TWO yogurts today but since I planned on eating both of them I’m counting each one as ½. Is that Kosher????
Star date: Day 3
I slept like shit last night. Kevin also isn’t sleeping better? WTF? How many days of being healthy does this take?
Also, I have only lost ½ pound which is completely unacceptable because if I’m gonna be healthy I certainly expect results.
10:00 we are supposed to have a storm. Being stuck inside while being healthy seems almost impossible. On a side note I entered the lottery and expect to win. That has nothing to do with this but then maybe I’d hire a cook! Hahaha
Star Date: Day 5
I give up. I simply can’t take it anymore. I’m sleeping awful. Kevin has had one good nights sleep but he’s sick of the entire thing. When I asked him what he wanted for dinner he asked me if I really wanted to know. Of course I did so he replied that he wanted quiche.
Well, I happen to have a quiche in the freezer but as you may or may not know, it’s not gluten free. I’m sick of the no-gluten thing so we decided “FUCK IT” and we had quiche.
I was so happy! I told Andie that I seriously felt awful and that I needed to go to the store and order some gluten. In fact, I’m a glutton for gluten and Kevin and I have eaten nothing but gluten ever since and I’m much, much happier.
Not only that but I didn’t lose any weight until I almost died of a stomach ache so the fact is that non-gluten has destroyed me. I think it’s because I’ve had so many more veggies and they tear up my stomach.
MORAL OF THE STORY: non-gluten is too damn hard and very frankly, give me my gluten. In short, I’m basically a gluten glutton.