This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i’m a shit sister

This morning I called one of my brothers and told him that he hadn’t called me all weekend.  He informed me that he had actually been on a business trip and wasn’t even in town.  Then he had to deal with family stuff and by the way, where the hell was I when he was in a bad mood the other week and wanted to talk?  “When was that?” I asked.  He said that he had called me the other week and I was “too busy” to talk to him.  “Oh,” I said, “I thought you just called because you were bored and you were driving and that you didn’t have anything to say.”  “No,” he replied “I only call you when I want to talk, not just because I’m bored.”

It was at that point that I realized what a shit sister I am.   I was already aware that I was a shit mother and a shit wife but now, I can add another accolade to the bunch.  I totally fail my brothers all the time, but sometimes I just don’t want to hear anybody else’s woes, especially in February, my typical “mood crash” month.  So when he called I just figured that it was a typical “hey, how ya doing?” phone call and didn’t really give it much mind.  I said, “Bruce, next time you call me you need to say ‘Lynn, I’m in a bad way so come out of your narcissistic haze and pay attention to me.’”

The problem is that ever since we were in college, Bruce would call me and even though I could tell he wanted something, he wouldn’t say what it was.  In fact, many times he just wants a human connection so he expects ME to do all the talking.  When I’m in a good mood, its okay, I can chat about everything and anything and the call goes down fine.  However, when I’m in a shit mood, I ALSO don’t feel like talking.  So he’s looking for a connection and I’m looking to avoid it.  It’s an untenable situation and now I’ve failed him.  This scenario happens with Andie all the time too!

Sometimes she’ll call and just want her mom.  Normally, this is fine and I can play the game and cajole her out of her mood but once again, when it’s the “depression” part of my life, I can’t do it.  It’s not that I don’t care.  Actually, scratch that.  It IS that I don’t care.  While I love my kids, sometimes, especially now that they’re older, I just want to wallow in my own mood.

This wasn’t always the case.  I was explaining to Kevin last week that when the kids were younger I had NO CHOICE but to trudge through the mood and tend to their needs, both physically and emotionally.  I’m not sure whether the fact that I was so damn busy helped or not but when they were younger, I had an easier time NOT KEEPING THE MOOD AT BAY, but doing what needed to be done.  Now, I can’t. Or I won’t.  At any rate, I don’t.  I suppose the knowledge that they can survive without me has made me more selfish but I’ve definitely become more self-indulgent with my moods over the last few years.

Which leads me back to today when my brother said I wasn’t there for him and he’s right, I wasn’t.   Since I’ve started this blog I’ve noticed that I’ve become a little more selfish.  I’m not sure whether it’s the cathartic aspects of writing things down or whether I’ve just become more introspective as I’ve gotten older, but for whatever reason, I’m definitely not as emotionally available.  Thank god these moods usually break in March because at the rate I’m going I will have burned all my bridges.  I suppose that I should be happy that I can’t add “shit daughter” to the pile because after all, my parents are dead.

Just saying…

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25 Comments

  1. By Word of Mouth Musings
    March 4, 2011

    Oh Good Lord, may Winter be over sometime very, very soon for you … you need some sunshine in your life!
    But with your humor and smile, you bring sunshine to many, so remember that when you are feeling gloomy … and Spring really is just around the corner!

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      Thanks…I’m actually in a good mood today but I wrote this last week…you are awesome cuz you’re always so nice

  2. Lady Estrogen
    March 4, 2011

    Oh, it is bad that I laughed at the last sentence? Cuz I did.

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      nope…i laugh about crap like that all the time…so go right ahead

  3. KLZ
    March 4, 2011

    It’s the weather. The fucking weather. It’s time to ease up Mother Nature.

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      I totally agree…i’m actually feeling great today but since i write these posts so far in advance, sometimes my moods don’t match…hahaha

      SPRING IS COMING

  4. I’m a shit daughter and sister too. I just don’t relate to them. I call myself the “white sheep” of the family. I get all offended because no one called me the two week when everyone in our house was going through sickness, but then again, I never call them either. Because talking on the phone to them is freaking AGONY. I try to be there for them when I sense they need to talk, but most of the time I’m on my soapbox or faking it. On the other hand, I am an awesome sister in law and daughter in law. Because my in laws freaking rock!

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      well, both my parents are gone and both of my brothers live around here…i just get moody sometimes and want to be left alone. It’s not like that for me that i can’t relate…it’s that sometimes i just don’t want to

  5. A shit sister would have neither the balls nor the class to have written to the world about her shortcomings. You are the bomb.

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      Thanks…it’s funnynthat you say that because my brother told me he was going to print it out and talk to his therapist about it. Thanks for commenting!

  6. Living the Balanced Life
    March 4, 2011

    This is a test for the Comment Luv plugin!
    :-)
    Living the Balanced Life recently posted..Change what you can- accept what you can’tMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      Yeah…it worked thanks

  7. erin margolin
    March 5, 2011

    it is the weather. and i can relate to so much of this. i’m a shit sister, too. and a shit wife. and a shit daughter (my parents are still alive). i’m a shit mother, too.

    please pass the anti-depressants.

    p.s. i loathe conversations when someone else waits for me to do all the talking. i can talk, but by god, if you have something you need to vent about, JUST START talking! don’t wait for me to invite you! kwim?? sheesh.

    • Lynn
      March 5, 2011

      Yeah…I know, I hate when I get a call and I don’t want to talk. If I felt like talking, I would have called you! But my brother read this and he understood it so that’s good.

      xoxoxo

  8. Pixi
    March 5, 2011

    I know that mood exactly. I avoid many many phone calls due to that mood.
    You kind of can’t help being selfish in that situation, like your brain just won’t allow you to listen to other people’s shit.

    Sometimes I wish I had sought to become a therapist to better understand myself & those like me. Haha.

    • Lynn
      March 5, 2011

      I’m not a therapist but I’ve been in therapy so long that i might as well be.

  9. Nicki
    March 6, 2011

    Well, I am not a therapist YET. I start grad school for mental health counseling in the fall but I have taken enough psych classes for my Bachelors in psych (getting that in May) and I have begun some grad school classes as a non-matriculated student and I will say this. You are normal! Introspection is a good thing and the very fact that you are worried about not being good enough means you care a lot. We, in general, do not pay attention to ourselves enough. When we do for others, even at our expense (or especially at our expense), we feel good. When we do for ourselves, we feel guilty. I keep reminding myself of something we are told over and over again as EMT’s: ” If the scene is not safe, don’t go in. We can’t help others if we are hurt ourselves.” The same holds true for our emotional well-being. If we are not emotionally well, we need to tend to ourselves before we can tend to others, or at least at the same time. You are human. Your moods and emotions are normal and you are entitled to all of them. Allow yourself to take care of you and know that you are a better person because of that!

    I got a call yesterday that my brother is in the hospital. He needed surgery because he had an infected hemorrhoid. My response? I don’t care and I will only visit him if I feel like it. Well, I don’t feel like it. When my mom, my sister and I were all in the hospital at various times in our lives, (my sister and I for a month straight and my mom for much of her life), he visited my mom 3 times and that was it. He never apologized for that. He made excuses for himself and now that he is in the hospital, he expects us to rush over there? I don’t think so. And….for the first time in my life, I don’t feel guilty about that decision!!

    Take care of you and the rest will follow!!!!

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2011

      Yeah…everybody needs to decide on what type of relationship they want with their family and its not always easy to balance your own feelings with theirs.

  10. Pamela D. Hart
    March 6, 2011

    February is THE WORST month. I think it should be eliminated.

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2011

      I totally agree with you.

  11. Name *
    March 7, 2011

    I COMPLETELY understand! I often hit “Ignore” when my brother (and any number of others) calls. Sometimes dealing with my own crap is more than enough, thank you! But i don’t feel that i suck as a sister…I give more for him than I do for me!
    btw…I read your blog EVERYDAY!!! I love it!
    Shirley
    Name * recently posted..Someone needs cultural sensitivity lessonsMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 7, 2011

      First, thanks so much for reading every day! I really appreciate it and it makes it all worthwhile. Second, it was interesting that my brother printed that post out and wanted to discuss our relationships.

      Sometimes sibling relationships are a gigantic pain in the ass, right?

      • Shirley
        March 7, 2011

        Don’t know why some random blog about politics was listed after my comment…
        Leave it to me to enter the wrong email address!
        OOPS!

  12. Name *
    March 7, 2011

    Don’t know why I had some unknown blog about politics following my comment. Leave it to me to enter the wrong email address!!
    Shirley

    • Lynn
      March 7, 2011

      Hahaha…thats funny

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