This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i’m an enforcer

Kevin is an over explainer.  I’m an under explainer.  Between the two of us you would think that we would have been good at explaining but according to our kids, “NO” we both stink.


Kevin would be very patient with the kids but even after they “got it” he would continue on.  Ask him a question on physics and you have the entire history of physics explained to you? Get it? If you don’t get it then it’s because I’m an under explainer.


The kids would ask me a question and I would say that you do this and then this and then this would equal that and then I would say, “see? Do you get it now?” and if they didn’t I would be all annoyed and leave.


Yeah, so they didn’t like that either.  Fortunately, now all three of them are smarter than both Kevin and myself and it’s a moot point.  HOWEVER, Kevin is still an over explainer.  The reason I’m explaining this (explaining it, get it?) is because he’s in the middle of a bunch of stuff in business and then he’ll come home and like the dutiful wife I am, I’ll ask him how his day was.


Then he’ll start telling me about the day and he’ll start at the beginning of whatever situation it is … LIKE I HAD NEVER HEARD of the situation before EVEN THOUGH I had probably asked him yesterday about the same EXACT situation.


At this point I usually roll my eyes (cuz I’m 52 and I still act like a child) and say something like “SERIOUSLY KEVIN?” and he’ll remember that I only like RECAPS.


I pointed out that he treats me like I’m a kindergartner and if I say  I GOT IT then I GOT IT!  See, Kevin probably would have made a great teacher because he REALLY, REALLY wants you to understand the situation but I’m a FAIRLY smart person and I HAVE been married to him for almost 25 years so I pretty much know ALL THE BACKGROUND at this point.


So yeah, last night he was talking and then he looked at me and said, “I’m over explaining again, right?”  DO I EVEN NEED TO ANSWER THAT?


So, that’s one thought pattern for my post today.  Here’s another one.  So we were watching ESPN because THAT’S WHAT WE DO and they had one of Bryan Gumbell’s little specials called whatever the hell it’s called and they were talking about “Enforcers” in the National Hockey League (NHL).  Now apparently, this past summer three enforcers died, either accidentally or by suicide.


This is a lot of young players to be dying in their youth.  What’s an enforcer in the NHL?  They are the guys on the team that basically just fight and go after people who go after their stars.  They’re really just out on the ice to make sure that anyone who picks on their people gets the shit beat out of them.


Now I don’t watch much hockey but I always assumed that those guys were just fucked up guys who liked to fight but what I found out was that NO, these guys had a lot of anxiety about having their job being one that basically picked and caused fights all the time.  Because of the bi-polar nature of their job, as some of them were nice guys, many got depressed and starting down the drug and alcohol path.


So they were miserable and anxious and were constantly concussed.  Fucking NHL.  Why don’t they just do away with fighting?  But that’s not the point.  The point is that they had a lot of the symptoms that I’ve been having lately.


Melancholy, sadness, anxiety, depression…it was then that I had an epiphany and then Kevin and I had the following conversation:


Me:         Oh my god.  I just figured something out!

Kevin:    What’s that?

Me:         I’m an enforcer

Kevin:    What?

Me:         yeah, I have all the symptoms of an enforcer

Kevin:    WTF Lynn?

Me:         melancholy, anxiety…I’m even bipolar

Kevin:     well, they back up their teammates.  Who do you back up?

Me:         (pondering) I’m YOUR enforcer

Kevin:    how so? (god he’s so skeptical)

Me:         if anyone goes after the star of the family (you) I’ll beat the shit out of them!

Kevin:     Great!

Me:         I have a GREAT idea now!

Kevin:    I can’t wait to hear it.

Me:          I’ll go to work and stand outside your office…

Kevin:     yeah…

Me:         … in full hockey gear …

Kevin:    … yeah

Me:         and whenever Rodney…or Bert…or Walt comes to talk to you

Kevin:     … yeah

Me:         I’ll beat the shit out of them

Kevin:    (laughing) How will that help?

Me:         they’ll have to have a Very compelling reason for me to let them by

Kevin:    so you’ll basically give all my guys concussions?

Me:         that’s what we enforcers do

Kevin:    don’t you think that will affect the running of the business?

Me:         That’s not my job.  That’s your job!

Kevin:    hmmmm

Me:         I have all the symptoms of an enforcer.  Just let me do my job.

Kevin:    I think you’re crazy

Me:         aha! Just another symptom of all the concussions I’ve had being an enforcer.

Kevin:    but you haven’t had any concussions

Me:         YET!

Kevin:    Yet?

Me:         yes, being an enforcer is a dangerous business and causes stress and anxiety.  I think that might be the explanation for what’s going on with my brain?

Kevin:    I can’t wait to let the guys know at work to expect a beat down


So what do you think?  New job for me?  Probably get a lot of great posts out of it.  Let me know.  After all, I’m pretty tough.  I once won a fistfight with a huge guy in high school and I think I already have the worst enforcer symptoms.  How much worse could I get?

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    October 26, 2011

    We need to learn more about the fistfight in high school

    • Lynn
      October 26, 2011

      hahaha…maybe sometime you will…i gotta figure out how to tell it

  2. Cara
    October 26, 2011

    Oh my goodness! How much do I wish that I had an enforcer to stand outside my door and beat up anyone who tried to give me stress. Actually, most of that comes by phone or email. Is tuyere such a thing as a virtual enforcer? Cause that’s what I need.

    • Lynn
      October 26, 2011

      I don’t know…new career path? i think so

  3. By Word of Mouth Musings
    October 26, 2011

    I love your husband ….
    and you in hockey gear?
    Now there is a vision!
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Howlerific Halloween. Wordy Wordless Wednesday.My Profile

    • Lynn
      October 26, 2011

      isn’t it an awesome idea?

  4. Stephanie
    October 26, 2011

    This morning as we are driving to The City at 6 am for my husbands Dr appt, I try to stealthily check my email so as not to get the “are you always pokin’ on at phone” speech when I got this post. I was doing okay until I got to your revelation that you had the same symptoms. Didn’t see that one coming and laughed out loud. Thanks a lot…

    • Lynn
      October 26, 2011

      thanks…i appreciate it

  5. Pamela D Hart
    October 26, 2011

    Oh I totally like this new job of yours! I’m SO jealous! If you ever need a day off or vacation time, call me as your temporary “Enforcer”! I should be okay because I beat up a guy in high school (he was picking on a girl that I didn’t even like but he made her cry and that pissed me off).
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..Blog Pet PeevesMy Profile

    • Lynn
      October 26, 2011

      I’ll let you know

  6. Julie
    October 26, 2011

    I think you’re on to something here. Any idea what the pay scale is?

    • Lynn
      October 26, 2011

      I have no idea…

  7. mark @ yelling near you
    October 26, 2011

    Just keep your gloves on – when you take your gloves off they throw you out of the game.
    mark @ yelling near you recently posted..ByciclesMy Profile

    • Lynn
      October 26, 2011

      Plus you gotta be able to pull the other guys shirt over their head to trap them. Hahaha…I’m all over it

  8. FranceRants
    October 27, 2011

    ok…i haven’t been leaving many comments lately on any blogs because i have been reading them thru my crappy cell phone, where commenting is next to impossible.

    but i’m at my computer and i just had to let you know that the i STILL think of you every now and then when i towel off after a shower, damn you.

    • Lynn
      October 27, 2011

      hahaha…i’m sorry but that is incredibly funny to me. Hey, why don’t you go ahead and submit a “go ahead, amuse me” post about that. I’ll link it to the original one. It would be really funny…in a sick sort of way

  9. Name *
    October 31, 2011

    I think I am married to “this guy” also. I get his day at work in play format. Full dialogue of every person that entered his stage that day. I hope to make it 25 years!

    • Lynn
      October 31, 2011

      Hahaha…another over explainer…I just interrupt now

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