This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i’m like a Direct TV commercial … kinda


You know those annoying commercials on Direct TV?  You know the ones I’m talking about?  They are just your mind wandering from one thing to the next?  Here’s an example of one:


When your cable TV company keeps you on hold you get angry …

When you get angry you go blow off steam …

When you go blow off steam accidents happen …

When accidents happen you get an eye patch …

When you get an eye patch people think you’re tough …

When people think you’re tough, they want to see how tough…

And when people see how tough you wake up in a road side ditch …

Don’t wake up in a roadside ditch

Get rid of cable and get direct TV


That’s how my mind operates every day.  I start out at one spot and end up at another.  That’s actually how Kevin got the nickname “potato.”  I’ll explain and through this explanation you’ll realize how everything in my life works.


Way, way back in the day when I was still a youngster in my late 20’s Kevin and I got married.  Coincidentally, at the same time, the company that I worked for left New York City and headed for not-so-greener pastures.  As a result of being out of a job I decided that I would NO longer work full-time.  (Well… to be honest I decided that after I got a brand spanking new job and I hated it and I bitched about it EVERY day for 12 days and on the 12th day they FIRED me but that’s not even the point!)


Now, where was I?  Oh yeah, so I was NO longer going to work full-time but I would be self-employed as a computer programmer and work part-time and take art classes in New York City part time.  This was ok with Kevin as a) he had a job and b) I seemed to have a hard time staying employed anyways and c) for some crazy reason he wanted me to be happy and 4) I couldn’t think of a reason d.


So I was working part-time and I was taking art classes and eventually I stumbled upon marble sculpture.  In short, I LOVED IT!!!  I honestly thought it was the best thing ever.  I did my first sculpture and I brought it into a place in New York City so they could polish it and mount it on a stand and I received a phone call saying that somebody wanted to purchase it and they had offered $3000 for it.  Did you hear me? $3000.00 for it!!!


I was so taken aback by it all that I started fantasizing about becoming an artist and then becoming a sculptor and then of course I would be a successful sculptor and everyone would want my sculpting’s and pretty soon people would be clamoring for my sculpting’s to the point where I couldn’t get a moments peace.  In my fantasy we would go out and people would be all like “oh look, isn’t that Lynn Procton (my maiden name) and would she make us a sculpture?” and yada, yada, yada and by the time Kevin got home from work I said:


Me:                  Oh my god Kevin, somebody wants to pay $3000 for my sculpture

Kevin:             are you going to sell it?

Me:                  that’s so much money

Kevin:             what are you going to do?

Me:                  what if people really like my stuff?

Kevin:             Lynn, can you focus?

Me:                  what if pretty soon we can’t go out without being hounded by people

Kevin:             Lynn, it’s ONE sculpture

Me:                  Oh my god, we’ll have to start hiding from the press

Kevin:             I think you’re going a little crazy here

Me:                  We will have to register under fake names at hotels and stuff

Kevin:             Hello?  Lynn?

Me:                  we are going to need pseudonyms

Kevin:             Lynn, what the hell are you talking about?

Me:                  What should our pseudonyms be?

Kevin:             you are ridiculous

Me:                  I know what they should be!

Kevin:             what?

Me:                  Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead

Kevin:             what? Why?

Me:                  because you look just like Mr. Potatohead

Kevin:             that doesn’t sound very complimentary

Me:                  no, it’s all-good.  It’s cuz you have such a long head

Kevin:             I’m not liking this

Me:                  I’ll call you potato for short

Kevin:             I don’t think so

But alas for Kevin, I didn’t get famous but he has been POTATO ever since.  Really, that’s what I call him.  I almost never refer to him as anything else.


So people, this is how you get from A to Z without ever dealing with any of the letters in between.


How did all this come up?  Because I was talking about my painting with my cousin today saying that I couldn’t sell them because then if people liked them they’d want me to paint more and pretty soon people would have expectations and I hate expectations so wouldn’t it be better to just give them away and not get all famous with people wanting shit from me?


So see? I’m totally like a Direct TV commercial … or I guess the commercial is like me.  I mean I’ve been around a LOT longer.


I’m just saying …

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  1. By Word of Mouth Musings
    January 27, 2012

    LOVE this – so you … feel like we are side by side drinking wine and talking in circles
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Fertile Myrtle and The One Night StandMy Profile

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      Is there any other way to talk????

  2. Sarah :)
    January 27, 2012

    Dear Lynn,

    Lynn. Can you focus? Did you sell the sculpture? It’s what inquiring minds want to know! Geez Louise!
    Also, WOULD you make us a sculpture? Of a potato? In honor of Kevin? Somehow this seems like a perfect Valentine gift. I know, I know. You’re welcome.


    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      Nope! It’s in my house…and still my favorite sculpture…am I supposed to get you a valentines day gift???

  3. Sarah :)
    January 27, 2012

    No, you’re not “supposed” to get me one, but feel free =)
    I meant it would be a good gift idea for Kevin. See? I’m always out here trying to help you out. Even when I don’t get a pony.
    Just sayin…

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      ahhh…Kevin has the “gift” of me. He need NOTHING else…

  4. Name *
    January 27, 2012

    I totally DO THAT. Thing-ta-thing-ta-thing…. and you’re totally making me jealous. I yearn to leave my job and write. I’ll even sell it, promise!

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      well, i’m sorry…can’t help ya there but good luck

  5. Melanie
    January 27, 2012

    I have delayed starting art projects for that EXACT reason. This post totally resonated with me. I have tons of artist friends, some of which don’t have *real* jobs. They make their living creating. I just want to do it as a hobby. I don’t want to travel and be fake nice to people at shows so they’ll buy my work. I just skipped all the “I’m not really that talented” steps. But it really is the reason I’ve never produced any art, even though I always say I’m going to start soon.

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      My shrink spends so much time giving me grief about this attitude and “expectations” and anxiety and all this other bullshit

  6. Julie
    January 27, 2012

    I’m getting weary of the expectations myself. Everyone “expected” me at work this morning at 7:30 but I decided to sleep in a bit just to throw ’em off.

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      good thinking! How did that work for ya?

  7. Mayor Gia
    January 27, 2012

    Hahahah I do that ALL the time. I was using a humidifier last night, and before you know it, I was thinking about the easiest way to escape a fire and stop-drop-and-roll to the door.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..An Interview with a Boyfriend – Part IIMy Profile

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      the planning is a good idea…humidifier fires are the worst

  8. Pamela D Hart
    January 27, 2012

    When the mind wanders all over the place and makes no sense whatsoever, it’s called “The Creative Genius Process”!
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..A Case Of The CraziesMy Profile

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      ..and now i know!!! thanks Pam

  9. Motherhood on the Rocks
    January 27, 2012

    Ha! Sounds like my life!

    • Lynn
      January 27, 2012

      we’re probably all like that

  10. flobits
    January 28, 2012

    I just loved the “Hiding from the press” :)))

    Be good but be happy :)
    flobits recently posted..The Final CurtainsMy Profile

    • Lynn
      January 30, 2012

      hahaha…thanks. I have a vivid imagination

  11. Jennifer June
    January 29, 2012

    I thought it was just me… only I go straight for thought #46 producing screwed-up-confused-face from my boyfriend who then inquires where the hell that though came from, to which I have to justify the domino of thoughts, expecting to get an “ahhh…okay”
    in response but instead a “WHAT??”.
    Comforted I’m not alone.
    Jennifer June recently posted..Next To The OrangesMy Profile

    • Lynn
      January 30, 2012

      apparently (according to the comments) this is quite common

  12. Lovejoy
    January 31, 2012

    I like this post I should imagine if what kind of commercial..Thank you for sharing this post to us..
    Lovejoy recently posted..Spa HydrotherapyMy Profile

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