This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i’m NOT a Doomsday Prepper

So the other day I was flipping channels and I came across a show called “Doomsday Preppers” on the National Geographic Channel.  I started laughing and I realized that it was a real program.  Of course, I had to Google it and I got to the main website of the show and the show is about Prepping for Doomsday (obviously).  It follows a bunch of people as they prep for the Apocalypse.

 

Of course, there was a test and I decided that I should take the test to see how prepared for the Doomsday that I actually was.  The end result is that I’m doomed.  Here are the questions:

 

  • How many gallons of water do you have stored per person?

  • Well, I have about 10 water bottles but of course, that varies depending on how many people are around.  The answer is supposed to be: one gallon of water per PERSON for 90 days which, if I decided to save all 5 of us is 450 GALLONS so ummmm…. NO!

  • How far away is your water source and do you have to purify it?

  • Well, that’s interesting because we actually have a well although it’s only used for irrigation because I didn’t like the taste.  Also, I don’t think I could use it without electricity.  It’s not like I see a little bucket hanging over it or anything.

  • How much food do you have stored per person?

  • Well, this is a definite problem because I rarely even have enough food around to make dinner.  Do they not have delivery and take out during the apocalypse? That is totally gonna suck and I figure we’ll last about a day and a half.  Daniel will die sooner because we’ll run out of Chex Mix.

  • Do you have a renewable food supply? Orchard, garden, livestock or fish?

  • Hahahaha…well, there is a pecan grove outside but the squirrels usually eat that.  I do have two fish, Gilgamesh and Hercules but they aren’t really that big.  I can’t imagine they’d be a good source of protein. I’m pretty sure I’m screwed here.

  • What type of climate do you live in?

  • Well, here in North Carolina it doesn’t get too bad so we might survive the winters although the summer without air conditioning is brutal not to mention my hair is going to frizz something awful.  Also, where will I get conditioner? I’m going to look awful during the apocalypse.

  • How densely populated is your location?

  • (hahaha…I love this next sentence: lower density locations keep you away from mass disruption but requires you to be more self-sufficient) Answer: I live in a city but kind of out in the country without food, water or anything but two small fish.

  •  Do you have a bunker or a personal safe room?

  • THIS IS MY FAVORITE because I went and looked and they have an ad for ATLAS SHELTERS.  They are basically huge pipes that are put underground and they have EVERYTHING in them.  Beds, couches, TV’s, generators, kitchens.  But here’s the thing.

    • My kids were home for Thanksgiving and they drove me up the wall being around all the time.  Being in a 200 sq feet shelter with my family sounds worse than death.  I would be insane instantly.

  • Do you have a means to generate electricity?

  • Well, yes and no.  I have a generator but it’s hooked to natural gas, which I assume will not be working so I suppose the answer is a definite not.

  • Do you have a means to heat or cool your location?

  • Yes, it’s called a blanket.

  • Do you have the means to cook at your location?

  • Hahaha…I have the means to cook now but I don’t.  I suppose that I could cook at home but that makes me wonder who in the hell doesn’t have the means to cook at home.  Don’t most homes have a kitchen???? I have no fucking clue about this stupid question.  I suppose they mean “camp stoves” and such.  In other words, we are screwed.

  • Do you have a bug-out location and a bug-out plan?

  • Ok, this is where I totally lost it.

 

The conclusion I have come to is that I now want to die during the apocalypse because the only people who will be left are gun nuts and survivalists and crazy people.  I don’t want to hang out with them.  In fact, I suspect all the brilliant people will die first because they have no means to actually fend for themselves.

 

Therefore people, I have decided to NOT buy a doomsday shelter, NOT prep for doomsday and continue in my natural chaotic state of existence however, you should totally check out those Atlas Shelters, they’re hilarious.

 

ADDENDUM: last night I informed Kevin that I had now decided not to survive the apocalypse.  He was bummed and asked why.  When I explained that over Thanksgiving the kids were sprawled ALL OVER the family room and they drove me nuts in a few days and could he imagine being cooped up with them ALL THE TIME he agreed with my new analysis.

 

That doesn’t been however I won’t discuss the apocalypse.  It is, after all, one of my favorite conversations.

 

See ya

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

8 Comments

  1. Tanya_blogreader
    December 4, 2012

    I am so okay. Thankyou, I am now confident my family and I will survive. Always say we survive on love and fresh air but now ….the water tanks, the multiple fishing per week, the wind turbines and solar panels,the deer we shoot, the green house and fruit trees. Here I was hating what it entails to live remotely on an island in the pacific ocean……….and now BINGO, I love that we will survive. Cheers Lynn, love it

    • Lynn
      December 4, 2012

      I read this comment first thing this morning and i cracked up. So glad that i gave you a silver lining although it sounds like you’re living in paradise. Send me a picture please.

  2. Mayor Gia
    December 4, 2012

    The important question: How much alcohol have you stored? Personally, not nearly enough. I need to go shopping.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..The Advent CalendarMy Profile

    • Lynn
      December 4, 2012

      true true…but i would need mixers so I’m still screwed

  3. Julie
    December 4, 2012

    I’m with Mayor Gia. I’m thinking that wine in a box will be a good idea because it’s stackable, biodegradeable and requires no cork screw.

    • Lynn
      December 4, 2012

      Hahaha…biodegradable after the apocalypse…as if it matters

  4. Annabelle
    December 4, 2012

    Storing that much stuff would take up my entire apartment. I’d have to use the water bottles as furniture!

    I *am* good for liquor, though.
    Annabelle recently posted..Landed.My Profile

    • Lynn
      December 4, 2012

      hahaha…people seem to like the liquor scenario much better than the water…there will be a bunch of drunken survivors…party at the apocalypse

Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest
Enter your Email

Recent articles


Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest




Go to All Fooked Up Store 

Lynn MacDonald Art