This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i’m NOT going to jail


Its tax season but then, you guys know that right?  Well, the way I do taxes (and do not follow this method) is that as soon as all that tax shit starts arriving I simply make a “tax” pile and I add to it and add to it and pretty soon it’s quite large what with all the crap that comes.


Eventually, usually when I realize that “fuck my taxes are due soon” I go through the pile and organize it into different people since there are 5 people in this house.  Now normally, at this point I just dump the entire thing at the accountants.  Don’t judge me (or if you want to judge me go right ahead) but since my taxes are mixed up with the business taxes I don’t do my own.


Finally, the last step is that I’m given instructions on what to sign and what to date and what checks to write or not write and yada, yada, yada.


So this year I was doing my normal stacking in a pile and it’s gotten a bit more complicated because the kids have jobs and such and everything still comes to this house and the pile is larger than normal. At some point the other month I was going through the pile and I saw that there was a “bill” in the pile that had gotten into the tax pile.


Now of course, this was NOT my fault since it was a TAX bill but still, I thought I should check it out.  It was the State of Illinois saying that I owed them a couple of hundred bucks.  Now as you know, I don’t live in Illinois but lately some states have been billing you if you (or your company) even has sales or whatnot in that state which I personally find annoying.


So apparently Illinois felt that I owed them $320 which was fine but how was I supposed to know that?  The letter said that they would soon be sending my bill to a “collection” agency which in Lynn terms means, “shit Kevin is going to find out about this” and as you know my entire goal in life is to clean up the messes before Kevin finds out so I can spin it all into an amusing anecdote.


I paid the bill and that was that or so I thought.  All was well and I did what I had to do and then the other day I got ANOTHER bill from Illinois saying “listen bitch, pay up or else!” (NOT OFFICIAL Illinois jargon but a loose translation.)


I was all like “what the hell?” because I paid the bill so I called the number on the form and I was on hold … and on hold … and did I tell you I was on hold? Finally the automated voice suggested I leave a number for them to call me and I did and guess what, they never called.
So the other day I receive ANOTHER threatening notice and I called again and the exact same thing happened.  Heavy call volume, yada, yada, yada and I left my number.


I emailed my accountant and told him that “I had received this bill which I paid months ago but they were threatening collection and it would be so unfortunate for Kevin to have to go to prison for this because I sure as hell wasn’t going to jail because I didn’t think that I would like it and I wasn’t sure Kevin would either because we’ve been watching Banshee and it looks pretty rough in jail.”


That night I received an email from my accountant telling me that I never owed Illinois any money at all (too late huh) and not to worry about it.


Then I explained to Kevin how I had saved the day and “good news Kevin, you won’t be going to jail and getting beat up and raped and all that” and I was a total hero and yet, Kevin failed to see how awesome I was but you guys won’t will you?


You won’t fail to see?


You can see how I saved the day right??


I fucking rock!



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  1. Theresa
    April 15, 2013

    But what happened to the 320.00? And are you saying if I send you a bill, you will just pay it? I wonder how many of us wives across America try to clean it up before the husband finds out…

    • Lynn
      April 15, 2013

      I don’t even know…

  2. Jester Queen
    April 15, 2013

    How nasty that the phone number actually WENT somewhere, but sent you into Kevorkian hold hell. You should see if your check was ever cashed.

  3. Julie
    April 16, 2013

    Massive oral surgery has had me out of commission for a few days, but since I’m feeling better I’ll drop ole Govenor Quinn an email and get your money back. No need to thank me.

  4. Lisa Newlin
    April 18, 2013

    I also have a “tax pile.” And by pile, I mean it’s a “tax area.” By area, I mean I have a “spot in the basement where I throw random tax information so I can look at it on April 15.”

    Isn’t that how everyone does it?

    Oh, and by the way, you owe me $1,000. I will send you an invoice and start calling you threatening collection. You should probably just pay the bill and be done with it.

    No personal checks, though.

    • Lynn
      April 19, 2013


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