This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
In which i’m recruited subliminally
My car is 9 years old so there isn’t an iPod jack in it so I usually listen to DVD’s when I’m driving around; every once in a while, I listen to the radio. Today, as I was driving up to Fresh Market around 5:00 I was listening to the radio when all of a sudden a commercial came on. Of course, normally I hate the commercials but his one started out with the intriguing line of “you don’t know who I am and you don’t see me work but I have one of the most important jobs in America!”
Of course, I had to listen to the commercial after that, who wouldn’t? That statement was followed by an advertisement to work for the National Clandestine Service. Now I’m immediately thinking, are they fucking with me? Who the hell is the National Clandestine Service? I quickly heard my answer and it was the CIA! That’s right, the CIA; they were advertising on the radio! They were looking for intelligent people who were interested in National Service, using their brain, etc. You needed to be in decent shape and must be able to take a polygraph.
This was like a dream come true! All my life I knew I had been destined to be a spy and now, on a local radio station, they were calling out to me.
I quickly called Kevin to tell him the great news:
Me: Kevin, I have great news!
Kevin: What Lynn?
Me: The National Clandestine Services is looking for me
Kevin: What are you talking about?
Me: It’s true Kevin. The National Clandestine Services is advertising on G105 and the only reason they’d do that is because they wanted to reach me.
Kevin: What’s the National Clandestine Service?
Me: It’s the CIA! They know it’s been my lifelong dream to be a spy so they finally advertised where I would hear it!
Kevin: The CIA is advertising on the local radio?
Me: I know right? IT’s a sign!
Kevin: (sighing) You know I have a job right?
Me: …and…
Kevin: I have a ton of work to do
Me: …so…
Kevin: I have to answer that call…I’ll talk to you later.
And then he blew me off and hung up. Well, of course I couldn’t believe he didn’t care; this is something I talk about ALL THE TIME. Half my sentences start with “when I’m a spy…” or “I need to be able to hotwire a car for when I’m a spy….” or “that’s doesn’t affect people like me who are spies…” or … you get the drift. At any rate, that wasn’t the response I was looking for so I called Keely (because all my kids know about my dream to be a spy).
So I call her and here’s the conversation:
Me: Keely!
Keely: Mom!
Me: I have FANTASTIC News!! (I said it all British like…fantastic sounds so much better when you say it all British like)
Keely: Really, what?
Me: The National Clandestine Service is looking for people.
Keely: What? Who?
Me: The National Clandestine Service, you know, the CIA!
Keely: How do you know?
Me: They’re advertising on G105
Keely: Really?
Me: Yes, it’s obviously a ploy to get me to apply. They must know I’d make a great spy.
Keely: Well, what about your Vagus Nerve problem?
Me: I’m pretty sure I have that solved ever since my standup routine
Keely: They probably don’t want you.
Me: You know what?
Keely: What?
Me: Perhaps it was a subliminal ad and I’m actually the only person who heard it. I can’t imagine a lot of spies come from North Carolina, you know?
Keely: Wow…when you said you had fantastic news I actually got all excited there for a minute. Is this seriously your news because it’s not what I was expecting?
Me: You don’t seem very excited about the news.
Keely: Mom, I’m getting ready to walk out the door and go to West Campus.
Me: Hey Keely, type up this conversation so I don’t forget it.
Keely: Mom, I’m not typing this up…I’m leaving.
Me: But I’ll forget it (whining now)
Keely: Type it up on your phone before you do the shopping.
Me: Ok, but I can’t believe nobody cares that I’m going to be a spy!
And there you are! I’m totally unappreciated in my family but at least the United States Government knows my worth!
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Man this stuff would make a great book. Kinds reminds mr of Janet evanovich – but your real life!
Hahaha…that was my original intention but instead, I just keep on blogging.
Living with me is a real treat…hahaha
I’m constantly being ignorednby my family
Perhaps it’s for the best, because if people cared to hear you advertise your spy-ness, you would be jeopardizing that same spy-ness. Can’t blame you though, if I were a spy, I’d walk around all proud of myself and be like, “Hey, guess what?”
I suppose that I would blow it if I was a spy and I bragged about it! Perhaps I’ll pretend just like I constantly pretend to karate chop my family all the time.
Hey! Once you get your awesome spy gig, and become Sherlette Holmes, don’t forget us little people!
Pamela D Hart recently posted..My Slap List
How could i ever forget you? You’re one of my most consistent readers…
Not to worry…and Sherlock Holmes was a detective…i’m going to be a SPY
Okay smart ass, 007, then, unless you don’t like THAT number, pick a different one. And hey, I’m a BLONDE, remember? ;-)
Pamela D Hart recently posted..My Slap List
hahaha…it’s all good. not to worry…
I wish that I could have tapped into those phone conversations to hear every word. If it was anywhere near as funny as it was reading about it, it must have been hilarious. I already feel a greater sense of security knowing that you are America’s next great spy.
yep…keeping America safe. I’m all over it…my kids just don’t believe in me properly!
I completely support your new CAREER as a Spy – Super Cool! Where should I turn in my application, was there an 1-800 # ?!
i think there actually was an 800 number but i was driving so i couldn’t write them down. I guess i should have used my super spy powers to memorize the number.
And of course you are completely right that they were recruiting you!!! Over the radio no less – how clever when they everyone else is listening to their Ipods!
My family never appreciates my great ideas!
Isn’t it awful when nobody cares how many great ideas you have…i’m always being ignored. Kindred spirits!
When Australia’s secret service equivalent advertise, they usually advise at the end of the advert: “Do not tell anyone you are applying. Its a secret.”
I think you may have missed this … ?
Tinsky recently posted..Space Junk
hahaha…i was so surprised the CIA was advertising on radio that i might have missed some salient facts…thats a fact!
hahahaha that was awesome! I sent this to my daughter — who is studying to hopefully attain an intel job with the CIA one day!
too funny!! Perhaps she’ll want to take some pointers from me. I mean, i’ve read EVERY Robert Ludlum book there is so i know ALL about spying. sorta
That’s funny, I always thought *I* would make a great spy…or didn’t I?
Hahaha…it always cracks me up to discover my fantasies are actually universal!
Okay… I have to know now… where are you with the spy job? Have you been contacted further by the CIA.
Nope…although I did locate the National Clandestine Museum…and I have been reading lots of spy books
Here on the Alexa blog hop!
A really good book to read is Murder Ink and Murderess Ink by Dilys Winn – they have stuff about spies and solving crimes and doing detective stuff – you totally need all that to be a good spy!
And you need a signature gimmick – whether it’s martinis shaken, not stirred, an inability to remember your real name, or the belief that we’ve already been invaded by aliens and the truth is out there, you need something quirky so the counter-double-triple agents out there know what’s your turf.
Good luck!
:)
Hahaha…thanks. I’ll look into a gimmick. I appreciate it!