This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
My car is 9 years old so there isn’t an iPod jack in it so I usually listen to DVD’s when I’m driving around; every once in a while, I listen to the radio. Today, as I was driving up to Fresh Market around 5:00 I was listening to the radio when all of a sudden a commercial came on. Of course, normally I hate the commercials but his one started out with the intriguing line of “you don’t know who I am and you don’t see me work but I have one of the most important jobs in America!”
Of course, I had to listen to the commercial after that, who wouldn’t? That statement was followed by an advertisement to work for the National Clandestine Service. Now I’m immediately thinking, are they fucking with me? Who the hell is the National Clandestine Service? I quickly heard my answer and it was the CIA! That’s right, the CIA; they were advertising on the radio! They were looking for intelligent people who were interested in National Service, using their brain, etc. You needed to be in decent shape and must be able to take a polygraph.
This was like a dream come true! All my life I knew I had been destined to be a spy and now, on a local radio station, they were calling out to me.
I quickly called Kevin to tell him the great news:
Me: Kevin, I have great news!
Kevin: What Lynn?
Me: The National Clandestine Services is looking for me
Kevin: What are you talking about?
Me: It’s true Kevin. The National Clandestine Services is advertising on G105 and the only reason they’d do that is because they wanted to reach me.
Kevin: What’s the National Clandestine Service?
Me: It’s the CIA! They know it’s been my lifelong dream to be a spy so they finally advertised where I would hear it!
Kevin: The CIA is advertising on the local radio?
Me: I know right? IT’s a sign!
Kevin: (sighing) You know I have a job right?
Kevin: I have a ton of work to do
Kevin: I have to answer that call…I’ll talk to you later.
And then he blew me off and hung up. Well, of course I couldn’t believe he didn’t care; this is something I talk about ALL THE TIME. Half my sentences start with “when I’m a spy…” or “I need to be able to hotwire a car for when I’m a spy….” or “that’s doesn’t affect people like me who are spies…” or … you get the drift. At any rate, that wasn’t the response I was looking for so I called Keely (because all my kids know about my dream to be a spy).
So I call her and here’s the conversation:
Me: I have FANTASTIC News!! (I said it all British like…fantastic sounds so much better when you say it all British like)
Keely: Really, what?
Me: The National Clandestine Service is looking for people.
Keely: What? Who?
Me: The National Clandestine Service, you know, the CIA!
Keely: How do you know?
Me: They’re advertising on G105
Me: Yes, it’s obviously a ploy to get me to apply. They must know I’d make a great spy.
Keely: Well, what about your Vagus Nerve problem?
Me: I’m pretty sure I have that solved ever since my standup routine
Keely: They probably don’t want you.
Me: You know what?
Me: Perhaps it was a subliminal ad and I’m actually the only person who heard it. I can’t imagine a lot of spies come from North Carolina, you know?
Keely: Wow…when you said you had fantastic news I actually got all excited there for a minute. Is this seriously your news because it’s not what I was expecting?
Me: You don’t seem very excited about the news.
Keely: Mom, I’m getting ready to walk out the door and go to West Campus.
Me: Hey Keely, type up this conversation so I don’t forget it.
Keely: Mom, I’m not typing this up…I’m leaving.
Me: But I’ll forget it (whining now)
Keely: Type it up on your phone before you do the shopping.
Me: Ok, but I can’t believe nobody cares that I’m going to be a spy!
And there you are! I’m totally unappreciated in my family but at least the United States Government knows my worth!