This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i’m the shit emoticon


So I think I told you that last week I had a “checkup” at the OB-GYN and I haven’t been there in quite some time, two years in fact.  Of course, I feel quite healthy and other than tons of joint issues I never ever have any issues.


I got a call the other day and was told that “everything looked great” except I had “elevated LDL (bad cholesterol)” and that I needed to take “1000mg of Vitamin D” daily.  I figured that all was excellent in the world and continued on with my life.


So imagine my surprise when I got the paper copies of my results and it showed that I have osteoporosis in my femurs.  To say that I was shocked is an understatement.  After all, I work out, do weight-bearing activities, drink a ton of milk, am in the sun all the time and don’t have small bones so I figured this was the LAST thing that would ever happen to me.


I was put out, completely pissed about it.  I had my hair cut in a bit and when I got there I was ranting about how ticked off I was and what bullshit it was that me, of all people, had osteoporosis.  As it became time to wash my hair I had the following conversation with my hair person:


Angie:             why are you so pissed? It happens.


Me:                  not to me.  I already have a family history of heart problems and cancer and now I have fucking osteoporosis


Angie:             yeah, that sucks


Me:                  I mean, I’m TAN.  Tan people have plenty of melanin and get sun and it shouldn’t happen to me.  You’ll probably get it


Angie:             thanks Lynn


Me:                  I blame menopause.  It’s like I’m melting since then


Angie:             me too! I mean, my arms have turned to fat


Me:                  same here.  I feel like a blob of Crisco.  Where did my damn muscles go?


Angie:             I had menopause really early.  I gained weight.


Me:                  me too! 10 pounds.  I’ve gained weight, I’m melting into fat and now I’m going to become squatter and squatter


Angie:             ummm…


Me:                  I think I’m turning into the “Shit emoticon”

Angie:                         WHAT?


Me:                  yeah, I’m morphing into the Shit emoticon


Angie:             hahahaha… I love the “shit emoticon”


Me:                  easy to say when you don’t look like it


So then of course, I texted my entire family and informed them that I was turning into the shit emoticon and Kevin felt that possibly I was overreacting.


Kevin:             you certainly have a way of looking at things


Me:                  yeah, I’m going to just get shorter and shorter until that’s what I’ll look like.


Kevin:             have you talked to anyone about it?


Me:                  I texted Dan (an orthopedic friend) and told me to call me to discuss this but he didn’t get back to me.


Kevin:             hmmm


Me:                  Dead man walking


Kevin:             what?


Me:                  that’s probably what he’s thinking.  She’s a Dead man walking so why bother?


Kevin:             wow.  You certainly are morbid and take things to extremes.


Me:                  just letting you know how all this will end up.  I’ll be the shit emoticon and you’ll be married to me.


So there you are! I’m shrinking and dying and my bone density sucks and pretty soon I’ll look like an emoticon.  Just thought you’d want to know!

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One Comment

  1. Ribena Tina @ ribenamusings
    December 18, 2013

    I’d be more pissed that cholesterol was mentioned but not OP.

    I’m expecting 2 broken legs any time over the next 5 years – add a hysterectomy to the lack of milk in my diet since I stopped drinking it at 6 months old and there is no hope really. At least I can be waited on hand and foot when it happens…
    Ribena Tina @ ribenamusings recently posted..What I learned this weekMy Profile

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