This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which it was a snake


OOPS! I accidentally published TWO posts yesterday including this one so sorry for the repost but I can’t possibly write enough posts to publish two a day.  If you read this one and not yesterdays post then go back and read that one.  Or don’t … your choice.  Sorry!

I have no idea what’s going on lately around here but I feel like I’m in the middle of “Wild Kingdom” or something.  First of all, remember that I had a bat in my house last month? A BAT? A FUCKING BAT?


Yeah, that happened but we moved on and were informed that we also had mice. MICE!!!!!!


Anyway, I’m pretty sure we got rid of those even though my cat is useless and I had to call in Terminix.


Then the other day I was walking into the gym and rounded a corner and there was a GIGANTIC web with the hugest spider in it.  I took a picture but it didn’t show up that well but the web was at least 6 feet in circumference.  I’m telling you; it was humongous.


That was two days ago and I was thinking “damn I hate spiders” but also “I should write about that giant fucking spider” but also “damn I hate spiders” but then I did nothing which is par for the course.  SIDENOTE: isn’t that the longest most run-on sentence ever?


Then yesterday I was getting some wood delivered; you know, for fires and such.  Normally I would have Kevin clean all the shit up from the woodpile BEFORE the guy showed up but unfortunately, Kevin has a day job and wasn’t home and the insisted on showing up yesterday.


So, I did what any normal person would do; I put on some work gloves and went and moved the old wood out of the way.  Bet you’re thinking, why didn’t she just stack the NEW wood on top of the OLD wood and I will tell you.


The old wood has ants, lots and lots of ants so we are going to burn that in our not completely new and yet NEVER USED fire pit.  So that’s why I was moving that wood out of the way.


So the first thing I did was move the tarp and I start stacking the wood out of the way and HOLY SHIT, there’s a snake!  A SNAKE!!! A BIG FUCKING SNAKE!!!!


Yeah, he’s (or she I guess) just chilling in the tarp next to the woodpile and I’m freaking.  So I go inside and Google snakes to make sure it’s not a Copperhead (poisonous and all around here) and it’s not so I figure that “shit, I gotta get this done” so I move the wood (very carefully.)


I finish the wood move (there’s not much) and the guy is still there so I get the broom and I start getting the shit out of my way and I’m thinking “hmmm, maybe he’s dead” UNTIL I swept some shit on him and he moved and I FREAKED but then he stopped moving and I ran inside.


I called Kevin and he told me to “make sure the wood guy knows there’s a snake next to where the wood is going” so I did and the guy moved the tarp and the snake fell out and I died (no, not really) but eventually the snake left (hopefully) and the guy stacked the wood.


Meanwhile, he told me he was bitten by a Copperhead last year and spent five days in the hospital and I’m looking around panicky but he agreed that this snake was a large Garter snake and then I told him about the massive fucking spider and he told me that was a “Garden Spider” and I told him “it was massive” and he told me that “that happens” and then I paid him and he left and I locked every door in the house because I fucking hate snakes and spiders and now I’m a bit paranoid.


Hmmmm… another massive run-on sentence.  Glad this post isn’t graded or I’d flunk.


Ok, that’s my animal tale or reptile or arachnid or whatever.  Mostly I just want all this stuff gone but I do live in the woods near a lake.  Now the stupid Stink Bugs are back and they buzz and drive me insane.





See ya

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  1. Mayor Gia
    September 17, 2013

    EEEK! I like fluffy animals (of the puppy and kitty variety). Snakes and spiders? No thank you.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..On Being CrazyMy Profile

  2. Jester Queen
    September 19, 2013

    The snake was clearly as useless as your cats — it should have been eating those mice. We had a black snake that hung out on my parents’property. We’d see it from time to time. Our front door has this transom above it, and the transom has a … kind of an indentation. It makes for a nice cozy snake shelf. And on more than one occasion, we’d look up to see this reptilian head peering in the transom windows at us. Hence, we called the snake “Big Brother”

    • Lynn
      September 19, 2013

      That would freak me out.

  3. Julie
    September 19, 2013

    I think I’d have to put the house on the market and never look back. UGH!

    • Lynn
      September 19, 2013

      Well I do live in the woods so its not a shock. Also I like my house so I’m staying.

  4. Renee
    September 21, 2013

    Hi, I’m Renee, and I found you on The Bloggess. (I’m not quite sure why I feel the need to introduce myself, but there it is.)

    Anyway. We had baby copperheads inourfuckinghouse last year. I surrounded my desk in a protective circle of glue traps for weeks, even after my husband assured me it was safe.

    Now we just have scorpions and spiders, and I’m really struggling with it, because I hate spiders, but I found a scorpion in my kitchen stuck in a spider web. So now I’m like, “maybe spiders aren’t so bad” but then I see one and I’m like “DIE. Oh, wait, have you built a home yet? Do that, then die.”

    • Lynn
      September 23, 2013

      good god! Where do you live? You must move immediately! That sounds awful…i would freak if i had snakes IN MY HOUSE!!!! also, hello and welcome

  5. Renee
    October 1, 2013

    The depths of hell. I’m kidding; actually super-rural Arkansas. We had just moved, so I wasn’t about to do that again, but I did briefly consider burning down the house.

    • Lynn
      October 1, 2013

      Uggghhh…I couldn’t cope

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