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In which Moses got an extreme makeover … and saved the Jews

I don’t know about you but in our family, we had a weekly “movie night” and we would all sit down and cuddle and watch a movie together.  Of course, it was difficult with two adults, two couches and three kids but we managed.  However, this post isn’t about movie night but about a specific movie.

 

Around holidays, our movie night got more specific.  For example, on Christmas Eve every year we watch “The Muppet Christmas Carol”.  It’s a true story and Marley and Marley (whoooo) are awesome.  However, this post isn’t about “The Muppet Christmas Carol” either so just chill.

 

Every year around Easter/Passover “The Ten Commandments” is on TV.   Yes, you can relax now; this post is about “The Ten Commandments” and more specifically, about Moses.  So Moses, the star of “The Ten Commandments” is a big hero in this house.  Andie, for example, talks about Moses all the time. (Yeah, I know it’s weird but just stay with me here).

 

At any rate, each year “The Ten Commandments” would come on TV and my little family would sit down together and watch it, year in and year out.  We love “The Ten Commandments” for so many reasons but some of them are to hear Edward G. Robinson say “Where’s your Moses NOW?” in his whiney little voice; another is to hear Yul Brenner shake his head sadly and say deeply “Moses, Moses, Moses” like the poor guy is disappointed that his slaves aren’t thrilled to be building his pyramids for him.  I know right?  The pyramids are awesome and wouldn’t it be nice to say “I had a huge part in all that?”

 

So, the Jews weren’t too thrilled with the situation and Moses, rather than tearing a piece off of Nefertiri, decides that he’s all over getting his home peeps out of Egypt and going to find this promised land.  So he uses this sweet staff that can turn into a snake and turn water all bloody and shit and still Ramses is all “nope, finish my pyramid motherfuckers!” (This is perhaps loosely translated)

 

Finally, after called in Locusts and various and sundry other plagues Moses decides to call in the big guns and have God smite down (don’t you love that word? SMITE) the first born of every family.  So as not to kill a bunch of Jews, they would smear some lambs blood on their door, otherwise known as being “Passed Over” hence the name Passover.

 

Ramses, despondent over the death of his first born, decides to let Moses and his people go.  So, in a very disorganized fashion and with a bunch of dialogue, off they go to the “promised land.”  Now Ramses, who is not true to his word, listens to Nefertiri is who is a spiteful bitch and obviously sexually dissatisfied that she’s stuck with him and not Moses, makes him go after the Jews.  So he does.

 

Moses, of course, isn’t the least bit worried because he’s looking pretty good, he has on a sweet robe and he’s been growing his hair out but even more importantly, he has a MAGIC staff.  So magic that in an incredible feat of animation, he parts the Red Sea and even manages to avoid having a muddy sea bed thus allowing all the Jews to escape to the other side.

 

Just when the Jews are about to get slaughtered by the Egyptians Moses lets go of the water and the Egyptians drown.  That pretty much sums up that part of the story.  But here’s where it gets good.

 

So finally, after walking a bit of a ways, they approach Mt. Sinai where Moses basically says, “wait here” or in Terminator type language “I’ll be back” and off he goes.  Meanwhile, the Jews are celebrating by melting their jewelry (which by the way, no Jew I know would do something that ludicrous) and making a golden calf and I’m pretty sure, having massive orgies and other assorted shit.

 

 

Finally, Moses comes down and he looks fucking amazing.  He’s obviously found a Four Seasons Spa up there because he’s had a cut, a color and his hair has been blown out.  In short, he looks damn good.  Now, apparently he “says” he’s seen God and been given The Ten Commandments but trust me, he’s been to the beauty parlor.  Either that, or God is a hairdresser.

 

So he comes down, sees the wild party and throws down the commandments and breaks them.  Yeah, I don’t get this either.  Seems like an overreaction to me, especially in light of the fact that he’d just had a relaxing stay on the top of the mountain.

 

The rest of the story is just kind of boring.  He goes back up the mountain, gets some new commandments (apparently there are copies…or MAYBE the first commandments were different. HMMM…I never thought of that before) and comes back down.  Long story short; off to Israel they all go and everybody but the Jews lives happily ever after.

 

So there you are; every year we watch The Ten Commandments or as I like to call it Moses gets an extreme makeover and while he’s at it, he saves the Jews.

 

Hope you like my synopsis!

 

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24 Comments

  1. Donna
    April 19, 2011

    Oh my. That was the best rendition of The Ten Commandments ever!!!!!

    • Lynn
      April 19, 2011

      hahaha…thanks. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  2. Lady Estrogen
    April 19, 2011

    It’s the highlights – they make all the difference from riffraff to regal. NOW, they better fucking listen to him! LOL. Love it.

    • Lynn
      April 19, 2011

      hahaha…sorry about not using your pic even though you spent time on it…

  3. Carla E. Knight
    April 19, 2011

    I’m putting a link to this post on my Facebook family page for all my Jewish relatives. I accidentally called my sister-in-law on Passover one year and got my ass chewed up one side and down the other. If sheis so righteous, why did she answer the phone? Anyway, I think the majority of my Jewish family will enjoy your take on the Ten Commandments.

    • Lynn
      April 19, 2011

      hahaha…thanks. I’m sure some people will be offended but whatever…

  4. Name *
    April 19, 2011

    I have both nearly peed myself and almost spilled my coffee reading and laughing!

    AWESOME!
    Name * recently posted..What to Blog- what to blogMy Profile

    • Lynn
      April 19, 2011

      thanks…that’s exactly what i was hoping for with this post!

    • MommaC
      April 19, 2011

      I see I was too bowled over to actually remember to put my name on my comment! D’OH!

      • Lynn
        April 19, 2011

        hahaha…that’s funny!

  5. Pamela D Hart
    April 19, 2011

    I love the 10 Commandments too! Watch it every year and always wanted to know what Moses REALLY did on that there hill— and now, thanks to YOU, I know…a make-over! Damn that God sure is good, eh? Why the hell can’t I get a make-over? Or do I have to climb some stupid hill or save some people? If that’s the case, I’m so screwed.

    • Lynn
      April 19, 2011

      hahaha…yeah, can’t beat 10 commandments. I’m not sure…when i get my cut/color i don’t climb any mountain to do so

  6. Bill
    April 19, 2011

    Slave 1: “The pyramids are awesome, and I had a huge part in that”.

    Slave 2: “Heh, that’s what she said”.

    • Lynn
      April 19, 2011

      hahaha…how much do i love the response “that’s what she said?” SO DAMN MUCH…

      the funny thing is if i was gonna get a religious group to build my house, it wouldn’t be a bunch of jews….i’m just saying

      • Brian
        April 19, 2011

        You’d get Mexicans, obviously. Preferably ones named Jesus.

        • Lynn
          April 19, 2011

          definitely not the Jews though…

  7. Marinka
    April 21, 2011

    I’m a big Moses fan too!

    • Lynn
      April 21, 2011

      Hahaha…I knew we were kindred spirits. I’m like the older sister you never wanted!

  8. MommaC
    April 27, 2011

    OK, so after all this on your blog about it, Hubster and I watched it on tv Saturday night. They went to a commercial just when Moses should have been getting busy with Sephora… Had to use our imaginations of course… Do you suppose he had any performance anxiety??? Glad it wasn’t a CONDOM commercial!

    • Lynn
      April 28, 2011

      You just can’t go wrong with Moses now can you? and what about that hairdo of his? awesome, right?

  9. Jackie
    June 21, 2011

    I’ll be honest with you… I’ve never seen it. And now that you’ve done a complete synopsis of the movie I don’t have to!
    I bet that there’s an awesome hairdresser somewhere up there!

    • Lynn
      June 21, 2011

      How could you have never seen it?

  10. Annie at Maximum Chaos
    June 21, 2011

    Love it! This is the best synopsis ever. I think I’d like your cliff notes version for many of my other Biblical stories.

    • Lynn
      June 21, 2011

      Thanks

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