This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which my filter collapsed

 

See that?   See that picture? What picture?  The one above this printing…the FEATURED PICTURE?

 

Yeah, now you see it.  It’s my coffee filter and it’s totally collapsed.   Don’t you hate when that happens?  I was going to write a rant anyways and that was before I poured a bunch of coffee grounds into my coffee.

 

It’s not like I can’t deal with it.  After all, I have a top-secret methodology that I personally designed to help with that.  Wanna hear it?  Ok.  I get ANOTHER cup (does NOT have to be a coffee cup.  In this particular case I rinsed out the cup I had JUST used to drink my milkshake).  Where was I? hmmmm… oh yeah.  I get another cup and then I cover it with a square of paper towel (Bounty I think) and THEN I pour out the coffee into the extra cup.

 

Then, the grounds are on the paper towel (Bounty I think) and all I have to do is whisk away the paper towel and voila!!! Perfect coffee.  Then I pour it back in the original cup but only AFTER I rinse that one out too.  See?  ROCKET SCIENCE.

 

But that’s no the point.  I was already in a mood and THEN to have grounds in my coffee is well … grounds for a rant.  (GET IT!  GROUNDS FOR A RANT…hahaha…don’t get it? Fuck you!)

 

So, now I have my coffee beside me and I’m going back to my original premise for my rant.   Hopefully I remember it.  It’s me! That’s whom I’m ranting against.  Actually, my brain.  Perhaps I should just write it a little letter.

 

Dear Lynn’s Brain:

You know how there’s that book “drawing with the Right side of the brain?”  Well, you’re like that except you’re thinking with the wrong side of the brain.  Why don’t you have any self-control?  Why do you just let your stability go on long vacations that last for months?

The end result of your little cortex vacation has been a 10-pound weight gain.  I haven’t weighed this much since…well, a long time.  I don’t like it.  Just about the time I start getting self-destructive and eating too much I also get in a rotten mood that just doesn’t give a shit and together these two tendencies tend to make me implode.

Ironically, it’s been good for my painting because I don’t feel like seeing or talking to anyone so being in my house feels good.  But the end result is that my paintings look great and I … DON’T.

I’m going to need a little help here Brain.  I can’t do this on my own (or with the limited drugs that give me chemical assistance).  I have a party to go to in November and I already own a dress.  I need to be able to fit INTO it.  Therefore, I would appreciate your bringing back both my pleasant mood and my self-control.

P.S.  I can handle the coffee filter scenario on my own.

P.P.S (or is it P.S.S …  Kevin would appreciate it too!)

 

Ok…I see now that I can’t even write an effective rant.  I think I will just go work out and try again later.

 

I’m just saying …

 

 

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23 Comments

  1. Lipstick and Playdates
    October 12, 2011

    Kinda explains why Starbucks took off.

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      hahaha…i wonder if they have these overwhelming problems at Starbucks. they must use filters

  2. By Word of Mouth Musings
    October 12, 2011

    For all the times you say you are heading to work out, yous should be a zero …
    Just sayin.
    Come on, I will make you a decent cup of coffee and you can rant.
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Breast cancer. Think Pink. Wordy Wordless Wednesday.My Profile

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      i know right? so i must eat a LOT to keep my weight up

  3. Vicki
    October 12, 2011

    You can prevent coffee filter collapse if you use a second filter on top of your coffee .. I work for Panera & I am the Queen of Coffee full of Grounds ! You think your cup pissed you off, try serving coffee full of grounds 3 Gallons at a time to the masses .. Not Pretty !!

  4. Grammy@gram-cracker.com
    October 12, 2011

    Man, I hate when life fucks with my coffee….I once forgot to put the pot under there, mopped up the coffee from ALL OVER THE COUNTER with paper towels and squeezed the coffee out in to my cup. True story. It was the last of the coffee in the can and I wasn’t about to go without. Desperate times etc…

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      hahaha..too funny. my pot won’t work if it’s not put in there so that couldn’t happen

  5. MrsDzo
    October 12, 2011

    Love. You.
    MrsDzo recently posted..You’re Either In or You’re OutMy Profile

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      why thank you…all i ever do is ramble though

  6. Sarah :)
    October 12, 2011

    It’s P.P.S.
    In case you were still wondering :)

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      why thank you…have you started your blog yet? are you posting the emails? cuz if you don’t i will…

      • Sarah :)
        October 12, 2011

        You’re totally welcome! No, I haven’t started the blog yet…I was trying to devise a foolproof plan of riding the coattails of your awesomeness. No real progress yet…I’ll keep you posted though! (By the way, totally spell checked this comment as it looked kinda sketchy…just the comment though, not the “by the way” part, so I can’t be held responsible for that.)

        • Lynn
          October 12, 2011

          i don’t have any coattails!

          • Sarah :)
            October 12, 2011

            You have awesomeness, but no coattails? Hmm…maybe that’s why I’m not making any progress, and also why my plan is not foolproof. I would’ve made it too, if it hadn’t been for those kids and their pesky dog.

  7. Pamela D Hart
    October 12, 2011

    Don’t even get me started on filters dancing around and grounds getting in my life blood, aka, coffee! I can barely function in the morning as it is, so trying to re-filter the damn grounds into another cup with a paper towel…not happening, I’d end up with coffee all over the counter. I just give up and make a new pot.

    I like your letter to yourself. Maybe I’ll try that. Probably won’t help, I’m so blogger blocked right now I want to take a bridge.
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..Bye Bye StarbucksMy Profile

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      sorry about being blocked…i’m actually stuck here all day so i should be writing but i don’t feel like it and i’m playing mahjong tiles and listening to iTunes.

      ridiculous

  8. Julie
    October 12, 2011

    I’m sure you’ll get it together in time to wear the dress in November. I am a firm believer in always having a back up plan so please let me offer you this ~ I will be out of my fucking (and I say that with emphasis) back brace by then and I will happily send it to you. Just strap the fucker on – or added drama, strap it on OVER the dress – and your problem is solved. No one will be able to identify where you begin and the brace ends. I’m just here to help. ;)

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      my mom had one of those braces…thanks but NO THANKS! I appreciate it though

  9. mark @ yelling near you
    October 12, 2011

    Damn the coffee filter and the uncooperativeness of your brain. It’s getting darker, rainier and colder here and they all have a detrimental effect on my very limited motivation for going out and exercising. I’m sure the Wii Fit will make fun of me again next time I turn it on.
    mark @ yelling near you recently posted..Fiat + JLO = ?My Profile

    • Lynn
      October 12, 2011

      I’m incapable of working out at home and I do have workout equipment here. Yeah, between the doldrums and the rain I don’t stand a chance. However, I’m sure the tide will turn…eventually.

  10. Annie Sisk @Trauma Dolls
    October 13, 2011

    This happens to me ALL THE GODDAMNED TIME. Stupid cheap-ass coffee maker. (Wait. Was yours cheap? I mean, like, dusty bottom shelf of the local dollar store cheap? ‘Cause I totally did not mean to impugn your coffeemaker’s virtue.)

    • Lynn
      October 13, 2011

      nope…the coffee maker isn’t cheap. i don’t know why it always happens

      • Annie Sisk @Trauma Dolls
        October 13, 2011

        OK, so it’s just mine then. My coffee maker is the $2 hooker on the street corner. Yours, clearly, is a high-class escort just having an off day. Ain’t that always the way?

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