This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which my mood goes South

 

The thing about mood swings is that they suck.  People who don’t have them have NO IDEA how badly they suck.  Also, they’re not the same for everyone.  Most people think that people who are bi-polar are either in a “brilliant/manic” stage or that they’re stuck in bed and suicidal.

 

That’s not true.  While some people may be like that, most people are somewhere in the range.  For me personally, I do get manic and I do have lots of energy and can accomplish a lot.  When I was younger it was in these moods that I did many of my craziest stunts.  Of course, the down side is that you get depressed.

 

For me, the face of depression is basically a withdrawn sense of melancholy.  I have NEVER in my entire life not gotten out of bed.  I have NEVER in my entire life not DONE what needed to be done.  I have NEVER in my entire life not functioned. I have been on medication since I had my kids so basically 18 years.  This certainly helps a LOT.

 

I have tried numerous medications and I have had had major side effects.  So, I just stick with Prozac.  It keeps the swings to a minimum in the sense that they’re not paralyzing, just there.  So lately I have been irritable, moody, withdrawn, angry and mostly just wish that everyone I knew would just go away and leave me alone.

 

Of course this is difficult when you’re married, have one kid at home and have another that is in the midst of a major medical disaster.  So yes, I pull myself up by my bootstraps and get shit done.   What annoys me is when “happy” people tell me to “just cheer up” or when I was telling somebody that I’ve gained weight they told me “to just spend two weeks dieting.”  If I was in control of myself than perhaps I could do this stuff but that’s the issue here.

 

I tried to explain that I no longer try to fight these moods.  I did when I was younger and honestly, it was just plain frustrating.  When I was bulimic, that was helpful, but I must say that I don’t really recommend that as a way of controlling mood swings.  Now I just tell my family I’m in a shit mood and to leave me alone.

 

Kevin used to want to “fix” it, which was a) impossible and b) just pissed me off because I felt guilty about ruining his life then.  Now that we’re older, he just looks at me with concern and goes on with his life.

 

It would help if when you felt like this, you could remember the last time you felt like this and therefore you would know that someday you would feel better but for some reason, I can NEVER remember feeling like this before.  It’s as if every time I get depressed it’s the FIRST TIME IT EVER HAPPENED.

 

I had actually been in a really long period of feeling great so this despondent feeling seems to be a kick in the face.

 

I don’t really know why I’m telling you this except when I do, many of you out there seem to feel the same.  I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed by this situation.  There are many like me in the world and in the scale of problems in the world, this one is pretty small.

 

So readers, bear with me (or don’t) because eventually this too shall pass and I will be back to my normal funny self.  Just wanted to let you know.

 

Lynn

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28 Comments

  1. Sarah
    November 7, 2011

    *hugs*
    Sarah recently posted..A Cunning PlanMy Profile

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      thanks…always happens

  2. Theresa
    November 7, 2011

    I am Bi-polar with the complication of depression as well. I so understand. It sounds like you might be going thru menopause too? Because let me tell you..it will fuck with your bi-polar BIG TIME. When I first started, I told my doctor that it feels likes I am always pms-ing. But pms on steriods! We did the hormone test and yep it was true. We had to adjust my meds alot. What worked before just didnt do it job anymore. I dont know how old you are, but it started for me in my mid 40s.

    But anyway, use my mantra…..”If I kill them..I will go to jail….If I kill him..I will go to jail” LOL

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      thanks for the comment…nope, been there done that already

  3. becky
    November 7, 2011

    Depression runs in my family. I was diagnosed several years ago. Then – about when I turned 44 – I started menopause. It’s not pretty. I would start crying or screaming for no apparant reason. This then led to a cleaning frenzy – which is what I do when I’m angry or upset. My house never looked better. People would try to cheer me up or offer advice when they found me crying for no apparent reason. I usually responded with a pithy ‘bite me’ which for regular people, meant they didn’t speak to me much after that. My friends and family would laugh and leave. They knew I would be OK after a while and there was nothing they could really do for me. When my GYN prescribed hormones it was like I started my life over. I am still depressed – but medicated and now that I am post-menopausal and on hormones I feel human most of the time.

    Good luck.

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      what medication did you use? I already dealt with the hormone thing for the most part and had very few problems. I do think it fucks with your moods though

  4. Katja Brown
    November 7, 2011

    Lynn:

    Thanks for so courageously sharing your story. You are right, there are many people out there that have similar ups and downs in their lives. It does not make each individual case any easier but at least you know that there are people out there that can empathize with the situation.

    I have used two different medications during periods of depression in my past. However, this year my goal is to try vitamins and keep myself busy so I don’t fall into this “hole.” Let’s see if it works…

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      ya know what? i’ve tried lots of medications and they destroy me. I’m just sticking with what i have and riding it out…

  5. By Word of Mouth Musings
    November 7, 2011

    Now you must be superhappy to be my friend and be burdened by my day to day too ;)
    Love ya dear friend, always here to listen to you bitch and moan even if i do make fun of you sometimes!
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Monday’s Muse – World Moms BlogMy Profile

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      awww…i miss you

  6. Sarah :)
    November 7, 2011

    I was gonna say “this too shall pass” but you already said that. So, I thought I would give you my new favorite…”That which doesn’t kill you still fuckin’ sucks.” Sorry it’s suckin’ right now. It sucks when it sucks.

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      I have made two posts from your emails thus far. you rock

  7. Julie
    November 7, 2011

    The Mister deals with depression and I deal with cronic pain. We are a blast to party with if you are ever in the Chicago area …

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      woah! SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE LOADS OF FUN!

  8. Pamela D Hart
    November 7, 2011

    Lynn, I suffered from severe depression too. I didn’t lie around in bed either. I had a husband, job and kids. If not for my boys, who knows where the hell I would’ve ended up. (They were my saving grace.) I was on numerous depression meds, but kept crying, so felt they weren’t helping me. After talking with my brother-in-law, who is a shrink, decided I wanted to be weaned off, so told my doctor we were doing just that. I haven’t been on them for almost fifteen years now. I fought my last bout of darkness on my own. I don’t recommend my method for others because each person is different. I knew what was causing my depression and worked through it.

    When people say “pull yourself up by your boot straps” and all those other supposedly supportive clichés, they’re NOT helpful because they have NO clue unless they’ve been at the bottom of that dark pit. So sometimes it’s best not to talk with people who haven’t been there. People struggling with these types of conditions need support (or solitude, whatever works for them), not snappy-happy phrases.

    I can’t say anything to make you feel better, I know. I wish I could. Just know that you can vent and you won’t be judged by those of us who have been there and one thing you won’t get from me is an over-used slogan. Vent until your heart’s content and if you ever need someone to yell at, or to, you can always call me.

    Lots of Hugs.
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..You Look Pretty~What’s WrongMy Profile

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      thanks girl! I’m ok…i just get irritable and melancholy and angry. I actually take Prozac. For example, today i’m doing fine but i can’t fucking sleep. If i change the meds i’ll probably sleep but be all pissy.

      Oh well, it’s all good and i’ll just keep on keeping on

      you’re the best!!!

  9. Carri
    November 7, 2011

    My mom has bipolar disorder and hearing the other side of the story helps me heal. So thank you for posting this.

    Also, I have anxiety disorder and when people tell me to “just be happy”, I want to junk punch them.

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      i totally get that…my family has learned not to be so fucking condescending and patronizing about it

  10. Tricia
    November 7, 2011

    Ironic because I just wrote a post last week about my battle with anxiety and how frustrating it is when people tell me I should just deal with things better as if anyone would choose to go through life feeling like this! Paxil has been my savior though. Hope you feel better soon. Sending good thoughts your way :)
    Tricia recently posted..Me minus the crazy.My Profile

    • Lynn
      November 7, 2011

      i had the WORST time with Paxil. I use Prozac…i’m fine. This happens every year

  11. FranceRants
    November 7, 2011

    k, feel better….

  12. Leigh Ann
    November 7, 2011

    It’s so frustrating when people try to “fix” things. Sometimes you just have to be able to wallow and come out of it on your own. I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. And maybe your writing about it will help you next time, so you CAN look back and remember that you have felt this way before and yes, it did get better. Hugs, Lynn.
    Leigh Ann recently posted..What bloggers need to know about sponsorship opportunitiesMy Profile

  13. mark @ yelling near you
    November 8, 2011

    Like all things, this too shall pass :) I’m related to and friends with plenty of people who share similar mental health issues. Hang in there and know that in addition to your friends and family, you’ve got the internet supporting you too!
    mark @ yelling near you recently posted..*Naked Model Sold SeparatelyMy Profile

    • Lynn
      November 8, 2011

      yeah…i’ve got the INTERNET supporting me. Actually, today i’m in a great mood. I have NO IDEA why…but i’ll take it.

  14. Raisel
    November 13, 2011

    I was diagnosed with Major Depression when I was 26 and put on an antidepressant which I took faithfully until just recently when I got pregnant. My doctor weaned me off my Effexor and holymotherofjesus, it has been a rough couple of months. I’m nearly 22 weeks pregnant now and my depression has not lifted but it has subsided somewhat … my crying spells and fits of rage (one of the ways my depression manifests itself) have decreased to a scant few per week! I’m practically a mothereffing ray of sunshine after several months of thunderclouds and lightening bolts. All this just to say – I TOTALLY get what you are saying, especially the part about “it would help if when you felt like this, you could remember the last time you felt like this and therefore you would know that someday you would feel better…” I’m so fearful when I’m in a downward spiral that I won’t be able to come out of it *this* time, even though I could in previous times – what if this time it “sticks”? This mental health stuff is a real bitch.
    Raisel recently posted..un bebé por favorMy Profile

    • Lynn
      November 13, 2011

      Man! I feel for you…I never went on meds until after I had my kids but it would SUCK to have to come off. I wonder if just writing out your feelings would help the next time you felt this way.

      So…18 more weeks until you can go back on your meds…good luck!!!!!!

  15. Name *
    November 21, 2011

    Hi Lynn;
    I read your comments, (and evryone else’s ), and I have to agree with what was said by Pamela D. Hart on Nov. 7. My mood swings used to be so bad not even I could stand being with myself, so I can only imagine how others felt. I went through the Paxils, and the Prosac, popping pills of one kind or another. I found myself no better off, although some did help a bit. Like Pamela said, every individual is different, but one thing we all seem to have in commmon is we hate the “helpful advise” we get from those who have no idea. I don’t take any meds now, but I am doing better somehow, but I get fits of anger sometimes, just not as often and not as bad. I don’t want to tell you anything other than you are not alone, and you can count me in as someone you can bounce those feelings off of anytime you need.
    I’m lucky to have a great wife who is very loving and understands that I have a kind of sickness, and I am not just like this by choice. If I can ever be of service to you, to listen, or even to be someone to punch at, I will be there for you. You are not alone!

    • Lynn
      November 21, 2011

      thanks for the comment. Oh, i know i’m not alone and honestly, i know a ton of people who have it much worse than i do. But sometimes i just like to vent. also, people seem to relate to it. I’m actually in a great mood today so it’s all good.

      have a great day and kudos for having a great wife. My hubby is pretty awesome too!

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