This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which my superpower sucks

As I was spending the day with my cousin Noah, we had MANY, MANY incredible conversations of which this is but one.  And yet, I felt it was my duty, neigh, OBLIGATION to share this one with you.   We were in front of Westminster Abbey and we were discussing how nothing much exciting ever happens when I’m around.

 

You are forever hearing about situations where people are called upon to be heroic and yet, that has NEVER happened and I’m 52 so what the hell, right?  At any rate, we then had the following conversation.

 

Me:                 you know, nothing exciting ever happens when I’m around

Noah:              maybe that’s your super power

Me:                 what?

Noah:              maybe your superpower is that nothing terrible ever happens when you’re around

Me:                 that’s a terrible superpower

Noah:              not really

Me:                 yeah really, what does that even mean?

Noah:              no! like when you need a cab you FIND a cab

Me:                 what?

Noah:              yeah, and like Keely has a tumor but it’s not cancer

Me:                 are you fucking with me?

Noah:              or like you miss your flight but you GET the next one

Me:                 that’s a horrible superpower

Noah:              no like things happen but they’re never the worst things that can happen

Me:                 I have no response

Noah:              it’s always like the second worst thing to happen

Me:                 I think I might actually hate you

Noah:              no think about it.  Maybe nothing TERRIBLE can ever happen when you’re around.

Me:                 actually Noah, I do have a superpower

Noah:              you do? What is it?

Me:                 my big toe and the toe next to it on my right foot can grip really hard.  I bet I could snap your Achilles.

Noah:              really?

Me:                 yeah.  But it’s kind of useless cuz I’d have to be all like ‘excuse me, let me take off my shoes and socks so I can snap your Achilles?’ so that’s kinda problematic

Noah:              that sucks

Me:                 of course, Halle Berry’s superpower is stupid. Storm! She creates thunderstorms and other stupid shit

Noah:              yeah, but at the end of the day she still looks like Halle Berry

Me:                 excuse me, what’s your fucking point?

And there you are!  Nothing terrible happens when I’m around.  My toes are the shit and apparently at the end of the day, I can’t even look as good as Hallie Berry!  Fuck you Noah!

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22 Comments

  1. Brad
    November 30, 2011

    Lynn:
    OK to summarize:
    1. OK so nothing really bad ever happens when you’re around. OK I’ll buy that. Not bad. I’d say that’s an 8 on the 10 scale
    2. You can snap an Achilles with your toes. So even if it takes time to get the shoe and sock off….Still…..think of what you could do. Snap the Achilles…..he’ll push everything off to the right. He’ll quit the game. One less person to beat Bruce at golf. That’s gotta be a 9.
    3. You miss your flight! And the plane goes down……..you weren’t on it…….the Blog continues…..all is good. THAT is a 10.
    4. You’re not Hallie Berry and you don’t look like her. So fucking what! You want the headaches of having to wear ridiculously great clothes every day because everyone expects you to look like the shit ALL THE TIME! Who needs that crap? Better to be you and let others ponder “Being Hallie Berry”. I see this as 10 + Bonus.

    Have a great day and start snapping some Achilles

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      done and done

  2. By Word of Mouth Musings
    November 30, 2011

    I can think of many things you are good at! and by the way, my 9 yr old thinks she has the Halle Berry look down – lol. Glad I met her birthmom so she doesn’t hit up a Hollywood search.
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Wordy Wordless Wednesday. Small Acts.My Profile

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      You’re so silly

  3. Emma
    November 30, 2011

    The visual of you saying to your nemesis “Hold on. Ima kick yo ass just as soon as I ditch my Jimmy Choo’s” is enough to keep me laughing all day!

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      I know right? It’s a terribly inconvenient superpower!!

  4. Julie
    November 30, 2011

    I think you’re onto something with the whole snapping achilles thing but please, stay away from my feet as they are fucked up enough.

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      ok…will do

  5. The Redneck Princess
    November 30, 2011

    I really hate to admit it, but I kinda love Noah right now…and hell ya with the snapping of Achilles. I got nothing here, so you are a step ahead all said…

    I am loving your blog by the way, glad I found you :)
    The Redneck Princess recently posted..Survival tips for men…My Profile

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      thanks…Noah and I had great time together

  6. Mrs Dzo
    November 30, 2011

    I think you’ve beat me in the superpower department. Mine is getting onto a ridiculously long line (cash register, bathroom, what have you) and have no one get in line after me. I’d take the Achilles’ snapping any day and run around barefoot always.
    Mrs Dzo recently posted..We Need to TalkMy Profile

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      ok, that’s not a superpower at all. thats an ANTI superpower i think

  7. Pamela D Hart
    November 30, 2011

    I don’t think I have a super power either. Although my kids say I have “dagger eyes”. And I did use them on some annoying ass kid at my son’s graduation ceremony, so I guess they work!

    As far as your Super-Hold-Toes go, just wear sandals, easy to slip them off and get the job done hassle free.
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..Mosh Pit MomMy Profile

  8. Lynn
    November 30, 2011

    it’s sorta chilly today for sandals though… “dagger eyes” huh? sounds interesting

  9. Faith.The Blond.
    November 30, 2011

    Ya know….looking back on a post from a couple days ago entitled “Where I almost burned down London”…I think you need to think about what Noah has said…Just think about it for a minute lol

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      Ok…I’m cracking up here…that comments going into my favorite comments folder!!!

      • Faith.The Blond.
        November 30, 2011

        YAY!!!!! Do I get a medal? A Ribbon? A certificate? A pat on the head and an “atta girl?” lol

        • Lynn
          November 30, 2011

          All of the above

  10. Terri Sonoda
    November 30, 2011

    Lynn……er, I mean Hale, the way MY luck’s been going lately, I’ll be happy to take that super power off your hands. I can’t be choosy these days. LOL

    • Lynn
      November 30, 2011

      Ok…which one, the toe thing? Or the other

  11. Mayor Gia
    December 1, 2011

    I wrote about the Pope’s super powers here: http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2011/11/thanksgiving-hangover.html

    Hint: it has to do with balls.

    • Lynn
      December 2, 2011

      I’m going to check that out

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