This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which my tree is a lighthouse


I’m kind of sleepy so I’m not sure that this will end up the least bit funny.  Last night when I couldn’t fall asleep I wrote this post in my head and it was extremely funny so you should probably access that version.


So, did you know my favorite color is blue? Well, now you do.  It’s true. (Wow…that was an entire Dr. Seuss bunch right there. Did ya notice that?)


What’s my point? I’M GETTNG THERE! (I do understand your asking because I constantly wander off into the random musings of my mind … oops. Stay on target! STAY ON TARGET … that’s from Star Wars)


Because I like blue and because I didn’t grow up with a Christmas tree (on account of the fact that I’m Jewish) we have had blue lights on our Christmas tree since the kids were little. A few years ago I noticed these really bright lights that had a sort of purplish tint to them and really liked them, as did Kevin.  I went to the store to buy these LED lights but alas they were sold out.


Last year the same thing occurred.  By the time I went to the store they were sold out.  THIS YEAR I decided I would just go ahead an order them on the Internet since I do all my shopping on the Internet.  Well, not all but most of it … or at least a LOT of it.  Mostly because I hate shopping and hate people and hate having people bug me or get in my way, especially at the cash register and stuff.


So I couldn’t decided whether the ones I wanted were “cool” white or “warm” white so I researched it and it seemed that “cool” white was the way to go.  Then I couldn’t remember how many strands I needed so I ordered 5 of them.


I got the lights over a month ago but on Tuesday I put my foot down and proclaimed, “Today we do the tree” to my kids who promptly ignored me.  Therefore on Wednesday we did the tree.  Andie and I started doing the lights and we put a strand on and put another strand on and then we put another strand on.  Then we asked Keely if there were enough lights and she said that if you liked tons in the middle and none on the top and the bottom then the answer was yes so we added another strand.


Voila! 4 strands and by now it was getting dark so we put all the ornaments on and that was quite a production because Andie has made all these “joke” ornaments over the years and she always puts them ALL up and Kevin hates them and well, you’ll see.  Perhaps I’ll write a post about that.


So finally, the tree is done and we turn off all the lights and HOLY SHIT!  It’s like having a lighthouse in my house.  Also, there was absolutely no purple hue but it looked like I had a gigantic metropolitan area in my foyer.


We decide that we need a tree topper and we run up to New Garden (a store) and can’t find anything.  Normally, Andie just puts her ornaments at the top but at the store we found an owl that would do nicely.


As Andie put it, the owl can keep that fat guy Santa from stealing our stuff.  We named him Hoom but the “m” in silent so it sounds like “who” although if you want to say “Whom” that’s sort of right except the “m” is silent.


When I came back home I could see this glow through my front door and it was because I had inadvertently put 800 lights on my Christmas tree.  Apparently, normal strands have 100 lights but these had 200 on them and I had put 4 strands.


Then we shoved the owl on the top of the tree so it could stand watch although owls really like the dark so I doubt that Hoom (no “m”) is happy.  Also, the fact that I had to sodomize him to get him on the top of the tree probably annoyed him as well.  Does that sound awful?  So did cracking up about it at the store. Boy is Andie inappropriate.  She got that from her dad I guess.


I don’t even know where I am in the story but I need to go get coffee so that’s all I’m writing about my tree.


Bye from Hoom (remember that the “m” is silent) and I (and Andie I suppose)

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  1. Good Lawd, sounds like a fire hazard! But very festive!
    Nicole Morgan (@thesistershood) recently posted..The elephant in the room.My Profile

  2. Phillipa
    December 24, 2012

    Read this post to my husband…..your sense of humour is absolutely appreciated in this house. :)

    • Lynn
      December 24, 2012


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