This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Just as I predicted, I woke up with the sun shining bright. It was about 5:00 AM. Groaning, I turned over and attempted to go back to sleep. Eventually around 7:00 I gave up and got out of bed. I went down to the cookhouse and Laurie was in the process of making blueberry paperweights. Blueberry paperweights? Yep, that’s what I said. Here’s what happened: I walked in and got coffee. I’m never coherent before coffee.
** can I just say something here? Of course I can, it’s my blog. I’m typing this post up on my cousin’s laptop. Now I never use a laptop and for some reason I keep doing a mass delete of what I’ve written and it’s driving me up the fucking wall. I have no idea what button I keep pressing but everything turns blue and then bam. GONE. Then I have to go to the undo button. There! It just happened again. Arggghhhhh….ok, end interlude. **
Now, where was I? Ok, so I got coffee and Laurie was on the phone with my cousin Susie. A brief history here. My mom had a sister. No need to comment. (God damnit…it happened again…the whole thing deleted. I got it back. WTF???) I mean lots of people have sisters. So this sister is my Aunt Ellen, the one who lives in Maine. She had 4 kids, 3 girls and a boy. (I accidentally typed in bog there…like she has three girls and a bog! Hahaha)
So these girls talk to each other all the time which is impressive because Laurie lives in London so that’s some major phone bills. So Laurie was on the phone with Susie discussing this “jam” she was making and talking about “how much sugar” she should add and other assorted what not. I got my coffee and listened and Laurie finally got off the phone. We chatted and a few minutes later Laurie talked to her mom and then Susie again. This time they were discussing something else about the jam (blueberry) that Laurie was making.
Laurie and I got to talking and Laurie forgot the jam but was boiling all this Ball Jars for the jam and eventually was like “shit, I need to quit boiling the jam” and by the time she got to the stove the jam was overcooked. Still, she went ahead and ladled out the jam and proclaimed that she had “fucked” it all up.
It’s true. The jam was way too solid. So much so, that it stuck in the jars and weighed a lead ton hence “blueberry paperweights” but that wasn’t the point of the story. The point was that Susie is a professional cook and apparently her sisters call her ALL THE TIME to have her talk them through cooking the meals.
I pointed out that if she called me each day for two hours and talked me through the meals then I could probably cook great food too. First of all, I’d be totally distracted from the thought of “I hate to cook” and second, I’d actually know what the hell I was doing.
So, of course I can’t cook like that. I never had a sister so it’s totally not my fault. Of course, Susie told me that I could call her and she’d talk me through the meals but it’s really too late now, she blew it.
All this time, and I’m talking 53 years here, I thought that every one of my cousin’s were great cooks and it turns out that Susie has been coaching them. Meanwhile, they give me copious amounts of shit like it’s MY fault that I don’t cook. See what I mean? I totally get a bad rap around here.
What do you think?