This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which she was almost excellent

I was having a conversation on the phone with Andie yesterday when she informed me that ONCE AGAIN her friend Beth’s mother had come down to visit at Duke and had taken them out to dinner.  We then had the following conversation:


Andie:             so Beth’s mom was here AGAIN and took us to dinner

Me:                 again? Why?

Andie:             Baldwin mother-daughter thing

(Note to reader: Baldwin is a group you have to be AWESOME to get into)

Me:                 Well there’s the problem

Andie:             what?

Me:                 if they had a mother-daughter thing for almost excellent people I could come to that

Andie:             MOM!

Me:                 mother-daughter dinner for a little less than stellar students

Andie:             hahaha

Me:                 mother-daughter dinner for NOT Quite excellent students

Andie:             mother-daughter dinner for Above Par students

Me:                 mother-daughter dinner for not quite the best people

Andie:             you’re a terrible mother

Me:                 and you’re a slightly better than okay daughter

Andie:             perhaps you did a bad job raising me

Me:                 most probably your father’s genetics

Andie:             you always blame dad

Me:                 Daddy says that it’s not his fault you’re slightly below awesome

So then I got off the phone and went on with my life.


Later Andie texted me with a question:

Andie:             I have a question

Me:                 What?

Andie:             Is a debit card also known as an ATM card?

Me:                 Yes. All moderately excellent people know that

Andie:             Haha. But only 50% of the marginally excellent

Me:                 But 75% of the simply marvelous

Andie:             I’m really low on money.  Ugh my fish also cost me like almost 100 bucks between the food tank bubbler and the filter keeps breaking. I SHOULD LET THEM DIE

Me:                 Noooooooooo

And then we stopped texting and I tried to go to sleep. Unfortunately I couldn’t sleep so I ended up texting Andie about an IDEA I had.  A BRILLIANT IDEA!


Me:                 I’m going to start a candle business

Andie:             ?? Candles?

Me:                 Saw some in Cabos. They were awesome

Andie:             Hahaha candles

Me:                 You can make candles with me

Andie:             OK!

Me:                 They were about 12 inches in diameter. Painted and carved

Andie:             WE WILL BE CANDLE MAKERS!

Me:                 Yes! And 2 feet tall … and 1 foot too

Andie:             Bordering on brilliant candle makers!

Me:                 Exactly

Andie:             My masterpiece will be six feet tall and will look like Michelangelo’s David

Me:                 Mother daughter candles and he’s not a candle. They will have my doodles carved in them

Andie:             No no I will make true art!!!

Andie:             They will have a museum of these candles I tell ya!!!

Me:                 See? Beyond brilliant candles

Yep. That’s why I can’t sleep

Thing is. Gotta find the candles to carve

Or make my own

Andie:             Made by almost astounding people!

I thought we were making the candles?

Me:                 Also non toxic paint

Andie:             Haha yes

Me:                 Well. They’re carved and painted

Andie:             This is quite a set up

Mother daughter candles kill

We’re going to be so famous!!

Me:                 Hahahahaha

Well we need non toxic paint

I can see the headlines now…

What should we call them?

Andie:             I think you use special dye for the wax right?

Man if I had a dollar for every plan I’ve made on how to get famous, I would be SO RICH

Me:                 No. They were literally painted and carved in designs

Andie:             Now I’m imagining totem poles … Made of wax

Me:                 If I had a dollar for every dollar I had we would be twice as rich

No. I think I have pictures

Me:                 Designs by fairly competent artists

How’s that?

For a name brand

Pretty excellent and mostly pretty candles


Andie:             What about mind your own beeswax

So people remember to mind their own business and maintain their candles

They’re artistic.

Me:                 Good thinking. Inspirational candles. People love that shit

Andie:             We could put an inspirational quote with every candle

Me:                 What about. Pretty damn good and pretty too candles

Or mother daughter things require excellent daughters

Which I don’t have

Andie:            mom

Me:                 I should go to bed.

I’m gonna need a sweatshop for this

I wonder if they’re in the yellow pages

Andie:             Hahaha you’re horrible

Me:                I gotta sleep now, we’ll figure it out tomorrow.

And there you are.  These are the types of conversations you can have with a slightly less than really excellent daughter.  I’m not sure what type of conversations I would have with an excellent daughter as I obviously don’t have one.

I totally blame Kevin for that.

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  1. Sarah
    April 20, 2012

    I really like reading your conversations. Thanks for sharing this!
    Sarah recently posted..TwitterMy Profile

  2. Julie
    April 20, 2012

    I have missed your special wit! Hope to see you soon Lynn :-)

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2012

      How are you doing?

  3. Jester Queen
    April 20, 2012

    And what’s even more funny is that clearly SHE couldn’t sleep either, so you both kept up this absurdly funny chain about your not-quite-excellent-not-exactly-rich-making candle business

  4. Jester Queen
    April 20, 2012

    Stupid Word preess… ANyway. I was saying that the really funny part is that clearly Andie couldn’t sleep either, because she was keeping up her end of the conversation.

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2012

      she’s in college and neither of my girls go to bed before 2 it seems

      • jeri
        April 21, 2012

        She’s in college so she probably doesn’t go to bed before 4, you just fall asleep first. That would make you slightly less sleep deprived.

  5. Melanie
    April 20, 2012

    I think you could spring up membership clubs all over the country, or perhaps world. “The organization for slightly less than amazing people.” You should go with it. You’re gonna be rich.

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2012

      my ideas are always awesome…

  6. Julie
    April 20, 2012

    Outstanding conversation (as usual). Hands down, the best line ever ~ “Inspirational candles. People love that shit.” The area where I work is highly Hispanic and I am amazed at the candle selection at Walgreens. My personal favorite is the one themed to remove all demons. I have given one to each of my gal pals. Want one?

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2012

      Nope. I like demons

  7. Dawn
    April 20, 2012

    First, didn’t you just go down there and visit her at college for lunch and a hug or something? Or was that your other, closer-to-excellence-than-Andie-daughter? Second, if Andie carved a David candle, where would you put the wick? And C, I think an ENTIRE book could be made about, “awesome ideas on how to get rich, but we didn’t follow through on them so if you want to work harder than we did have at it”. I would totally co-write it with you guys. ‘Cause heaven knows I’m full of ideas and stuff….

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2012

      hahaha…this conversation took place before i went down to see her actually. i don’t always put stuff in order. hee, what a great book that would be. We have millions of idea around here

  8. Carol
    April 21, 2012

    This conversation is really funny.Your ideas are really something. I love it actually.
    Carol recently MuranoMy Profile

  9. Jennifer Worrell
    April 22, 2012

    I’d order an almost excellent candle. Anatomically correct candles with appropriately placed wicks and inspirational sayings would be cool. Funny!

    • Lynn
      April 22, 2012


  10. Charlenevans09
    April 23, 2012

    You both have a brilliant idea! If I were you, I will pursue that candle making.. You will never know if candle making will be a big hit until you’ve try it!
    Charlenevans09 recently posted..handMy Profile

  11. Heidi19
    April 30, 2012

    Hi Lynn! i really enjoyed reading your conversation. Candle making is actually quite easy and can be very profitable. It might be the right thing for you to start your own business.
    Heidi19 recently posted..Gill Turning or Curling In Arowanas Can Be CuredMy Profile

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