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In which soap is a metaphor

shower

I’m losing my mind … or my memory or something. I know this morning when I woke up that Kevin and I had a really, really funny conversation and I thought “shit I should write this down” but then I didn’t and now I’m all like “what the hell were we talking about?” and then I remembered that I did, in fact, write some cryptic notes on my phone.

 

Holy shit, I wrote some notes on my phone.  Hold on and I’ll go look at them.

 

Okay, I’m back.  Here’s exactly what my notes say: 1000 shards of soap.

 

Seriously, they say “1000 shards of soap” and from that I’m supposed to remember the entire conversation.  Hmmmm… okay, I remember now.  I doubt I’ll be able to recall it as funny as before but here goes.

 

Each morning, Monday through Friday, Kevin gets up and gets ready for work. That includes a number of things but one of them is taking a shower.  Eventually I get up and the cat, Butterscotch, is ALWAYS waiting outside the door to go into the bathroom.  Why is she waiting? No, not because she has to shave but because she likes to go into the shower and have a drink of water.  Stupid right?

 

So she does this each morning so naturally, she’s disappointed (and possibly thirsty) on Saturday’s and Sunday’s when Kevin does NOT get up and take a shower first thing.  So today, being Saturday and all, Kevin did not take a shower.  Another fact you should know is that we’re running low on soap and in fact, we are on the last bar. (At least in our bath room.  Truth be told, I’m sure there’s loads of soap upstairs but I haven’t checked as I totally enjoy Kevin panicking about shit like this.)

 

Kevin is in charge of putting a new bar of soap in the shower as I am too lazy but I buy the stuff.  Ok, so that’s the background.  Soap, shower, cat, thirsty: got it?

 

So Butterscotch is at the shower and we have this conversation:

 

Me:                  Butterscotch is thirsty. You’ve ruined her life.

 

Me:                  (to Butterscotch) it’s okay Butterscotch.  Daddy is just going to be filthy today and not take a shower.

 

Kevin:             that’s because we have no soap.

 

Me:                  again with the soap stuff

 

Kevin:             we are out

 

Me:                  (looking in the shower)  There are tons of shards of soap

 

Kevin:             I don’t like “shards of soap”

 

Me:                  There’s “1000 shards of soap”

 

Kevin:             You sound like Bush

 

Me:                  you can’t use the shards…you’re a delicate creature

 

And then Kevin walks away and I nod sadly to Butterscotch.

 

Me:                  (yelling to Kevin)  I think it’s a metaphor Kevin for your life.

 

Kevin:             what the hell are you talking about?

 

Me:                  like you’re afraid to step out of the comfort zone and you need your soap whole but when it gets all broken and difficult, you can’t use it

 

Kevin:             you’re a moron

 

Me:                  I’m just being deeply philosophical

 

Kevin:             no, you’re just being really annoying

 

Me:                  I’m trying to help you use all these soap shards

 

Kevin:             no, you’re just making excuses for not buying new soap

 

And there you have it.  I’m trying to look on the bright side of the lack of soap and as per usual, Kevin is shooting me down.

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