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In which soap is a metaphor


I’m losing my mind … or my memory or something. I know this morning when I woke up that Kevin and I had a really, really funny conversation and I thought “shit I should write this down” but then I didn’t and now I’m all like “what the hell were we talking about?” and then I remembered that I did, in fact, write some cryptic notes on my phone.


Holy shit, I wrote some notes on my phone.  Hold on and I’ll go look at them.


Okay, I’m back.  Here’s exactly what my notes say: 1000 shards of soap.


Seriously, they say “1000 shards of soap” and from that I’m supposed to remember the entire conversation.  Hmmmm… okay, I remember now.  I doubt I’ll be able to recall it as funny as before but here goes.


Each morning, Monday through Friday, Kevin gets up and gets ready for work. That includes a number of things but one of them is taking a shower.  Eventually I get up and the cat, Butterscotch, is ALWAYS waiting outside the door to go into the bathroom.  Why is she waiting? No, not because she has to shave but because she likes to go into the shower and have a drink of water.  Stupid right?


So she does this each morning so naturally, she’s disappointed (and possibly thirsty) on Saturday’s and Sunday’s when Kevin does NOT get up and take a shower first thing.  So today, being Saturday and all, Kevin did not take a shower.  Another fact you should know is that we’re running low on soap and in fact, we are on the last bar. (At least in our bath room.  Truth be told, I’m sure there’s loads of soap upstairs but I haven’t checked as I totally enjoy Kevin panicking about shit like this.)


Kevin is in charge of putting a new bar of soap in the shower as I am too lazy but I buy the stuff.  Ok, so that’s the background.  Soap, shower, cat, thirsty: got it?


So Butterscotch is at the shower and we have this conversation:


Me:                  Butterscotch is thirsty. You’ve ruined her life.


Me:                  (to Butterscotch) it’s okay Butterscotch.  Daddy is just going to be filthy today and not take a shower.


Kevin:             that’s because we have no soap.


Me:                  again with the soap stuff


Kevin:             we are out


Me:                  (looking in the shower)  There are tons of shards of soap


Kevin:             I don’t like “shards of soap”


Me:                  There’s “1000 shards of soap”


Kevin:             You sound like Bush


Me:                  you can’t use the shards…you’re a delicate creature


And then Kevin walks away and I nod sadly to Butterscotch.


Me:                  (yelling to Kevin)  I think it’s a metaphor Kevin for your life.


Kevin:             what the hell are you talking about?


Me:                  like you’re afraid to step out of the comfort zone and you need your soap whole but when it gets all broken and difficult, you can’t use it


Kevin:             you’re a moron


Me:                  I’m just being deeply philosophical


Kevin:             no, you’re just being really annoying


Me:                  I’m trying to help you use all these soap shards


Kevin:             no, you’re just making excuses for not buying new soap


And there you have it.  I’m trying to look on the bright side of the lack of soap and as per usual, Kevin is shooting me down.

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