This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which the apocalypse is gonna suck

Last night, as Kevin and I were going to bed we were having a discussion that went WAY, WAY off course and I thought I would share it with you.

 

Me:                  I’m a little upset that this rapture thing didn’t happen.

 

Kevin:             I think they’re saying that it might happen in the fall now.

 

Me:                  Really, can they just change the time of the rapture?

 

Kevin:             I don’t know.  Why do you care?

 

Me:                  Well, I’m ready for the apocalypse.  I don’t know anyone who’s spent as much time planning and thinking about it as I have.

 

Kevin:             It’s true.  It’s one of your favorite topics of discussion; that and road construction. (That’s a whole different post, trust me)

 

Me:                  Unfortunately, I don’t think I’d do very well in the apocalypse.

 

Kevin:             Why not?

 

Me:                  Well, first of all I think I might be a little too old and spoiled at this point.

 

Kevin:             Hmmm

 

Me:                  I mean, let’s go through the basics.  Remember I wrote that post about being a gatherer and not a hunter. (Here)

 

Kevin:             That was a great post.

 

Me:                  Well, I pointed out that the way I gathered was to go up to Fresh Market and pick up the prepared food from the prepared food section.

 

Kevin:             Yeah, I doubt Fresh Market will be open.

 

Me:                  … and I never did learn how to use my weapon.

 

Kevin:             Right, you can use your new shotgun.

 

Me:                  It’s a NERF shotgun; I’m not sure how effective it would be.

 

Kevin:             What weapon do you want?

 

Me:                  You know I want a crossbow.

 

Kevin:             Do you think you’ll be fast enough with the crossbow?  Could you be as fast as Legolas was? (In Lord of the Rings)

 

Me:                  Do you think it’s fair to compare me to a 1700-year-old elf?  Of course I can’t be that fast.  I can’t believe you haven’t gotten me a weapon to practice with.

 

Kevin:             So you need a bow?

 

Me:                  And the single most important thing is hot-wiring a car.  It’s in every single movie and I’ve been asking for years and you haven’t gotten anyone to teach me yet.

 

Kevin:             Who could teach you?

 

Me:                 I don’t know… maybe a crook?

 

Kevin:             We don’t know any crooks.

 

Me:                  Maybe we should meet some crooks.

 

Kevin:             I’m not sure you’d enjoy hanging out with crooks.

 

Me:                  Well, one day when you’re out of town, I’m just going to go in the garage and rip out the wires under the steering wheel of your car and tie them together and hot wire your car.

 

Kevin:            My new BMW?

 

Me:                  yep

 

Kevin:             Hotwire your own damn car!

 

Me:                  I don’t wanna fuck up my car …  and another thing …

 

Kevin:                         What?

 

Me:                  OMG! I just realized that I’ll be sick as a dog because I’ll be having major Prozac withdrawal so I’ll be woozy and dizzy and nauseous during the apocalypse.

 

Kevin:             That’s a good point.  I won’t be able to sleep because I’ll have no Ambien.

 

Me:                  That’s gonna suck…

 

Kevin:             I’m going to be so damn tired …

 

Me:                  Also, we need to learn to siphon gasoline.  They do it on TV all the time.  All you do is suck and then you spit.

 

Kevin:             I can see up now.  You’ll be all nauseous and accidentally swallow some gasoline and I’ll be “damn Lynn, I’m too sleepy to help because I haven’t slept in a month.”

 

Me:                  We’re going to suck in the apocalypse.  I hope we don’t survive.

 

Kevin:             Can you imagine?  Keely will be lying on the couch saying “I don’t feel like doing anything right now.”

 

Me:                  … and Andie will be all “what’s for dinner tonight mom?” and I’ll say, “ANDIE, it’s the fucking apocalypse.  There is no dinner.”

 

Kevin:             … and Daniel will be whining, “I’m out of Chex Mix”

 

Me:                  Yeah, the apocalypse is gonna suck.  Maybe we should just perish instantly.

 

Kevin:             That might be best.

 

Me:                  yeah…what a fucking waste of time all this planning has been.

 

So there you are.  A typical conversation around my place.  Why? What the hell do you talk about all the time?

 

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55 Comments

  1. Don E. Chute
    June 1, 2011

    Well I tend to have conversations with Me – Myself – and I. Me is really smart, opinionated always seems to have the right take on things…Myself is a real pain in the ass! A superdickhead, cussing all the time and saying things that end in a exclamation!…I I I I I all I can talk about is I. I is a narcissist and a nameaphobe. I doesn’t like any name with more than one letter in it! F’in Ahole!

    Thanks for askin’.
    Aloha.
    Don E. Chute recently posted..MEMORIAL DAY 5302K11My Profile

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      i like to have conversations about strange stuff…my husband doesn’t and it drives him nuts…Aloha right back at ya

  2. mmanary
    June 1, 2011

    I think this is just confirmation you are definitely married to your soul mate.

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      Hahaha…he just totally indulges my need to have stupid conversations. I’m all about contingency planning…and hey, thanks for reading my blog. I didn’t know that you actually did! I’m pretty psyched about it.

  3. Cassie
    June 1, 2011

    I probably definitely need to find a husband like that.

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      It was luck…jus plain dumb luck that I found him…seriously, I just bumped into him at a bar.

  4. LOL, oh to be a fly on the wall in your house ;)

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      Hahaha…I know…and I can only relate some of the conversations

  5. LMAO! This is so something that we would discuss in my house. We would suck as well. I would just crawl in the fetal position and cry. That is how I deal with things.

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      I’m hoping i die quickly because the people who will be left are always those survivalists…uggggghhh

  6. Lady Estrogen
    June 1, 2011

    My hubby and I have had (kinda) similar conversations.
    Have you seen the Book of Eli? I SOOOO don’t want to feckin’ survive the Apocalypse. Screw that. We’re not going to go hide in a cave, we’re just going to stand on the beach together like in Deep Impact.
    And yes, we watch a lot of movies. lol
    Lady Estrogen recently posted..Im So Effin VersatileMy Profile

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      yeah, Deep Impact on the beach with that wave…we watch a shitload of movies too

  7. Alison@Mama Wants This
    June 1, 2011

    My hubby and I make shit up all the time as we converse, usually starting from serious conversations. It’s like we can’t be adults for longer than 5 minutes.

    So, I love your conversation!!

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      hahaha…thanks. Yeah, there’s no way i’m the only person who has stupid conversations all the time, NO WAY

  8. Cathryn Louis
    June 1, 2011

    Hi-larious!

    I would so suck… Can’t change my own tire (that’s what AAA is for), never even built a fire (hub’s job), and my idea of camping out is a weekend at The Four Seasons. I’m doomed…

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      Hahaha…you and me both. Where’s the turn down chocolates?

  9. Boobies
    June 1, 2011

    We are soulmates! I can tell already!

    • Lynn
      June 1, 2011

      Sweet! Always looking for soul mates!!!

  10. Coolwhipmom
    June 1, 2011

    I’m dying here. I really REALLY wish I could be a fly on the wall in your house.

  11. Evil_Cat_Grrl
    June 2, 2011

    I talk about the apocalypse way too much. But I keep it fun! Whee!

    You and your husband sound cute. :)

    • Lynn
      June 2, 2011

      thanks…we have fun and that’s what its all about

  12. Sarcasm Goddess
    June 2, 2011

    ROLF! Sounds like the conversations my husband and I have. We should hang out! :)

    • Lynn
      June 2, 2011

      I enjoy those types of conversations. I also taught one of my kids to speak with a deep southern accent so we have “plantation owner” conversations…yeah, I’m good at entertaining myself

  13. Heather
    June 2, 2011

    I think I’d love to have dinner with your family, lol.

    • Lynn
      June 2, 2011

      Well, we just like to talk about dumb stuff and by the way, I’m pretty sure my kids think I’m an idiot.

  14. Kelly
    June 3, 2011

    OMG, I have totally had this conversation with my husband, except it was a zombie apocalypse, like Zombieland or Dawn of the Dead. And I’ve come to the conclusion I would probably die pretty quickly. I’m not really a hunter/gatherer, not really into weapons, and I’d really need to work on my cardio before I could outrun a zombie.

    • Lynn
      June 4, 2011

      I hate to run too…the whole thing blows

  15. M.J. Putnik
    June 4, 2011

    U R one fooked up lady! That’s why I love you! Too funny, I’d freak about my meds too… but being totally insane while being burnt to a crisp could be a good thing, right?

    • Lynn
      June 4, 2011

      Hahaha…I love writing down my conversations

  16. Name *
    June 4, 2011

    ~~~~if the Rapture were coming, I’d tell my hubby, “Go get me MORE CHOCOLATE & CHEESE CAKE & Brownies and and and… Hurry up!!!!!!
    Great site, All Fooked Up!!
    Name * recently posted..One Year AfterMy Profile

    • Lynn
      June 4, 2011

      THank you, thank you, thank you

  17. mom2kiddos
    July 5, 2011

    That’s a very interesting conversation. Kinda like mind mapping and it’d probably help ward off Alzheimer’s too. Saying Hi from TTT!

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      thanks for stopping by

  18. Kimberly
    July 5, 2011

    This is so much like the conversations between my hubby and I. We start out with a real topic or question and then we get so sidetracked into complete nonsense. It’s quite amusing! ;)

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      yeah, my entire life is conversations going sideways…thanks

  19. Doing my rounds of the posts … see you have new traffic yay – love this post!

    Thanks for linking up to Time Travel Tuesday today, it really means a lot to have your support … and having a chance to read posts that have been and gone is like curling up with a favorite magazine!
    Have a wonderful day!
    http://www.bywordofmouthmusings.com/2011/07/time-travel-tuesday.html

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      for you, ANYTHING. I enjoy looking around each week trying to find something to put up there

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      Thanks

  20. ntiveheart aka jayedee
    July 5, 2011

    stopping in via the time travel tuesday link up
    http://lifeinthelostworld.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-awoke-this-morning-to-find-that-half.html

    cheer up….the rapture didn’t go down, as planned, but you always have the zombie apocalypse to look forward to! just lay in a supply of twinkies and read up on ways to foil the brainsuckers! that’s what we’re doing!

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      yeah…I’m all over that type of stuff. If you read the blog you’ll see that i’m all about preparation for weird events

  21. Name *
    July 5, 2011

    I just read this to my husband it was such fun!

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      hahaha…thanks. Stick with me for silly converations

  22. Name *
    July 5, 2011

    I would be all like, “there’s no chocolate in the Apocalypse????” Yeah, it’s probably best if I go at the beginning too.

    THIS. is hilarious!!!

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      i didn’t even think about the chocolate. Yup, definitely gonna suck.

  23. Name *
    July 5, 2011

    So funny… all your planning cracks me up! I think that is termed an overactive imagination and I know because I have one. You should see me in action at an airport.. it’s not good. I go into triple threat mode and I have every passenger summed up. Crap… now I’m thinking about my flight next week….arggghhh.

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      Hahaha…it’s not like I sit around all worried though. I just really like to talk about that stuff.

  24. Meghan Cooper
    July 5, 2011

    Jesus christ to be a fly on the wall at your house, epic #Winning. I agree about the crossbow though. You need to get on that

    • Lynn
      July 5, 2011

      I did…I shot one on my birthday. You can read it. Called in which I couldn’t cock it!

  25. Jessica
    July 14, 2011

    Lynn,
    Reading your blog is like doing crack….I swear I just stumbled upon it one day and was curious so I decided I ought to try it out. Now I can’t stop reading and it’s it beginning to have some serious consequences in my life….I’m neglecting my husband and social life (in order to read another post), sneaking it in during work, using it in situations in which it is physically hazardous (such as reading it on my phone while driving in my automobile), I often experience symptoms consistent w/withdrawal between posts, and thus far, I’ve been unsuccessful in my efforts to cut down or control my visitations to the site.

    While I love you and think you are great, you CANNOT continue to write hilarious posts like this–you are interfering with my professional and social life and are contributing to my ‘problem’….LOL thank you you are great! Oh and if there is an apocalypse, I’ll bring the Chex-Mix as we all go insane from our slow painful withdrawals!

    • Lynn
      July 14, 2011

      Wow! Best Comment Ever!!! Thanks so much for being such an awesome reader!

      • Jessica
        July 14, 2011

        Well next time you want to thank me, please write a boring blog…I mean seriously how I am supposed to quell my addiction with posts like porcu-porn! That was hilarious! You and Andie are high-end dealers of this sh** ;-) My shrink is gonna be so disappointed when I tell him about my inability to cut-back, but I am blaming it all on you two!

        Thanks again, and I’ll be looking forward to reading about the rest of your trip ;-)

        • Lynn
          July 14, 2011

          According to my family, many of my posts are boring. Are you happy now?

  26. Jessica
    July 15, 2011

    Nope that ain’t gonna do it for me… Your family is is a riot, and they are just harder to please ;-) Plus they must not be as ‘predisposed’ to (blog reading) addiction as I am.

    Ok, I’ll let ya off the hook for now, but no more posts IN WHICH you make me ROFL almost peeing in my pants–deal?

    Have a nice rest of your trip, and enjoy the weekend.

    • Lynn
      July 15, 2011

      Thanks…I will! And I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog

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