This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Last night, as Kevin and I were going to bed we were having a discussion that went WAY, WAY off course and I thought I would share it with you.
Me: I’m a little upset that this rapture thing didn’t happen.
Kevin: I think they’re saying that it might happen in the fall now.
Me: Really, can they just change the time of the rapture?
Kevin: I don’t know. Why do you care?
Me: Well, I’m ready for the apocalypse. I don’t know anyone who’s spent as much time planning and thinking about it as I have.
Kevin: It’s true. It’s one of your favorite topics of discussion; that and road construction. (That’s a whole different post, trust me)
Me: Unfortunately, I don’t think I’d do very well in the apocalypse.
Kevin: Why not?
Me: Well, first of all I think I might be a little too old and spoiled at this point.
Me: I mean, let’s go through the basics. Remember I wrote that post about being a gatherer and not a hunter. (Here)
Kevin: That was a great post.
Me: Well, I pointed out that the way I gathered was to go up to Fresh Market and pick up the prepared food from the prepared food section.
Kevin: Yeah, I doubt Fresh Market will be open.
Me: … and I never did learn how to use my weapon.
Kevin: Right, you can use your new shotgun.
Me: It’s a NERF shotgun; I’m not sure how effective it would be.
Kevin: What weapon do you want?
Me: You know I want a crossbow.
Kevin: Do you think you’ll be fast enough with the crossbow? Could you be as fast as Legolas was? (In Lord of the Rings)
Me: Do you think it’s fair to compare me to a 1700-year-old elf? Of course I can’t be that fast. I can’t believe you haven’t gotten me a weapon to practice with.
Kevin: So you need a bow?
Me: And the single most important thing is hot-wiring a car. It’s in every single movie and I’ve been asking for years and you haven’t gotten anyone to teach me yet.
Kevin: Who could teach you?
Me: I don’t know… maybe a crook?
Kevin: We don’t know any crooks.
Me: Maybe we should meet some crooks.
Kevin: I’m not sure you’d enjoy hanging out with crooks.
Me: Well, one day when you’re out of town, I’m just going to go in the garage and rip out the wires under the steering wheel of your car and tie them together and hot wire your car.
Kevin: My new BMW?
Kevin: Hotwire your own damn car!
Me: I don’t wanna fuck up my car … and another thing …
Me: OMG! I just realized that I’ll be sick as a dog because I’ll be having major Prozac withdrawal so I’ll be woozy and dizzy and nauseous during the apocalypse.
Kevin: That’s a good point. I won’t be able to sleep because I’ll have no Ambien.
Me: That’s gonna suck…
Kevin: I’m going to be so damn tired …
Me: Also, we need to learn to siphon gasoline. They do it on TV all the time. All you do is suck and then you spit.
Kevin: I can see up now. You’ll be all nauseous and accidentally swallow some gasoline and I’ll be “damn Lynn, I’m too sleepy to help because I haven’t slept in a month.”
Me: We’re going to suck in the apocalypse. I hope we don’t survive.
Kevin: Can you imagine? Keely will be lying on the couch saying “I don’t feel like doing anything right now.”
Me: … and Andie will be all “what’s for dinner tonight mom?” and I’ll say, “ANDIE, it’s the fucking apocalypse. There is no dinner.”
Kevin: … and Daniel will be whining, “I’m out of Chex Mix”
Me: Yeah, the apocalypse is gonna suck. Maybe we should just perish instantly.
Kevin: That might be best.
Me: yeah…what a fucking waste of time all this planning has been.
So there you are. A typical conversation around my place. Why? What the hell do you talk about all the time?