This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
In which they stack my soda
If you have been reading this blog from the beginning, which by the way, very few of you have, you would know that the grocery store pisses me off. I spend my life trying to avoid going to the actual grocery store by going to The Fresh Market which is a specialty store, kind of like Trader Joe’s I think. I like Fresh Market because it’s smaller, they know me there, and most importantly they have a ton of prepared foods so my family won’t starve to death.
At any rate, it takes something important to get me to the real grocery store. Normally, that something is Chex Mix which my son hangs around his neck like a horse’s feed bag. But today, I actually needed something that ONLY the grocery store could provide. What was that something you ask? Straws. That’s right. Long, bendy straws. I tried to buy them at the drug store the other day to avoid the grocery store yet again, but they only had short, bendy straws. Why do I need bendy straws? Good question. I have a protein shake (chocolate of course) for breakfast every morning and it goes into a big plastic cup and a long, bendy straw is a mandatory tool. So now you know.
So I went to the grocery store because I was in desperate need of bendy straws. And Chex Mix. But I forgot the Chex Mix and I came home and asked Daniel to help unload the groceries and he asked about the Chex Mix and I told him I forgot and then he died on the spot … but I digress. While I was at the grocery store I decided to stock up on some other necessities. Other than the normal bullshit that you get at the grocery store, I saw that they were having a sale on Coke. I drink a Tab every afternoon and have since I was about 16. My girls also drink Tab and Fresca and I hate when they run me out of my 12-packs. Nothing pisses me off more than going to get my afternoon Tab and there isn’t any in the cute little refrigerator. I also realized that when they’re home, I usually have a ton of kids hanging out at my house and they go through sodas like you wouldn’t believe, so yeah, I needed to stock up.
Today there was a buy one, get one free offer going on with Coke so I bought two Coke twelve packs, two Fresca twelve packs and two Tab twelve packs. Here’s where I’m going to start ranting. Now, I know that Harris Teeter’s goal in life is to fuck with my psyche so to pre-empt them, I carefully loaded the 6 twelve-packs on the bottom shelf of my cart so that they WOULD NOT FALL when the cart was pushed. It was all good…or so I thought!
I went to check out and the fellow was reasonably nice and, of course, I started bagging the groceries myself because I use paper and BAGGERS SUCK! The minute I got started another chick comes over and says “I can do that for you ma’am!” I said to her, “Are you any good at bagging?” Of course she tells me “yes” so I let her bag and started playing on my phone. I looked up a couple of minutes later and she was gone. Typical. So I finished bagging myself, not really paying attention to what the checkout guy was doing. I pay and start rolling my cart out.
I get outside of the store, right in front of the Salvation Army guy and BAM! All the soda falls off the front of the cart. “Goddamn it!” I yell. Of course, the Salvation Army guy looks at me and starts laughing. I’m super pissed! Seriously, every damn time I buy sodas I stack them carefully and then, when I’m not paying attention, the checkout people rearrange them and stack them as precariously as possible so that the minute I get out the damn store, they smash to the ground. Now I have a bunch of twelve packs that are just ready to explode in my house, but first I have to pry them from underneath the wheels of the cart.
Of course, I’m muttering about how it’s possible for so many stupid people to constantly be in and around my life. The more I thought, the madder I got. So here I am. I came home, unloaded the groceries and hopped on my computer. So tell me readers, do they do that to you to? Perhaps I’ve underestimated these grocery store folks. Perhaps they have a diabolical plan to send me over the edge. I’m not sure. What do you think?
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Must be a plot. They never do shit like that to Bud. When I used to go to the grocery store (can’t drive now) I used paper and bagged my own. As a teenager I worked in a grocery store and I abhor people who can’t figure out how to bag a few groceries. Now Bud uses canvas bags with straps, whenever possible.
hahaha… i wonder sometimes if the store manager says “oh, there’s Lynn MacDonald…let’s screw up her day!”
Dude, it is a conspiracy. But not just with soda…with anything you put down there on that bottom rack. The worst is when you have your sodas down there and a package of toilet paper on top (not because you put it there, it’s totally the bagger’s fault)…and it slides off the sodas and lands under the wheels of the cart in the parking lot. Of course everyone is snickering inside because “That woman needs more toilet paper”…and they call me ‘sheshitsalot’ for the fuck of it. At least that’s what I do when I see this play out in front of me and it isn’t me, you know?
hahaha…”sheshitsalot”… that’s hysterical. When I put the stuff on the bottom it’s all good but for some reason, only morons and people who can’t stack or bag are in charge of the cash register. HOW IS THERE NOT A CLASS ON THIS? Remedial bagging or something. I don’t buy toliet paper for that very reason…let my family suffer i say… HAHAHA
What about those damn baggers who put one thing in each bag? I’m all, “Put all 80 items in this here single bag, chop fracking chop!”
i actually wrote one of my first posts about bagging…it was a huge rant, in which i hate the grocery store
I refuse to let anyone bag my groceries.
For some reason the ‘baggers’ find it perfectly acceptable to put chicken in a bag with bananas and yogurt and eggs – on the bottom of course.
Drives me insane!
I know, i know…i actually wrote an entire post about bagging alone!
I’d say nothing annoys me more than the grocery store, but then I’d sound really shallow right?
But seriously. You take the food off the shelf. Put it in the cart. Our of the cart onto the conveyor belt. Off the belt back into the cart. Out of the cart into the car. Out of the car into the house onto the counter. Out of the bag and into the pantry/refrigerator etc.
And still. There’s no dinner ready.
Holy hell. NOthing is more annoying than groceries.
You crack me up…I think we could be friends. I actually wrote a long rant about bagging as one of my first posts back in August.I loved how you jus dpssod Holy Hell!!! I hate going to the grocery store.
Thanks for stopping by the guest blog yesterday ~ that was me! You asked if we were Twitter friends – yep. I followed you after catching your blog (can’t remember how, but whoever turned me onto it – thanks, cause you are hilarious!)
Lucky me, you followed back. Looking forward to laughing with you.
(p.s. I can definitely get behind drinking old-school soda like Tab. I drank Diet Rite for years – do you remember that? Absolute crap. Probably made of kitten toes or something. But I drank it like water. Tab? Much better.)
excellent…so, what’s the twitter name though so i can put you in my friends list or else i can’t keep things straight cuz i have a CRAP memory…or it’s the Prozac…or years of bad living…or something
I go to the Walmart Neighborhood Grocery, and I know every employee in the place because I’ve been going there 5 years. This is actually a good thing, because I also know the Sucky Baggers vs the Good Baggers. Most times I am able to avoid soda stacking disasters, unless they switch baggers on me in mid-flight. Then I’m screwed…..and without a kiss, just lots of spewy soda.
Have a nice weekend Lynn!
Yeah…I don’t go to the same store a lot. I’m surrounded by three Harris Teeters so it depends on which direction I’m coming from.
This is why I never ever, ever put anything at all on the bottom of the cart. The baggers put my soda (or “pop” as the call it here) in the regular section of the cart, it is the very first thing, then all the other groceries go on top of the soda/pop….granted, I may have a mild case of ocd regarding my groceries, but trust me, if you do it this way, it is soooo much easier.
I guess the problem is that I never get to the soda until I already have stuff in the main section of the cart…so then I cannot put any soda there!
Have you ever shopped @ a commissary?? It would be the death of you!! When my husband was in the Army, it was the only place to shop….you have to TIP the baggers!! I mean, an actual monetary “tip” too, not the kind of friendly suggestive tip…you know, like the “don’t-screw-up-and-squish-my-bread-or-I’ll-drop-kick-you-in-the-throat” kind of “tip”. There are signs everywhere saying “Baggers work for tips only…” And all of them look exactly like fragile old Walmart greeters – so you feel like a total asshole if you don’t tip them. The only thing worse than shitty baggers, are the shitty baggers you have to pay for.
You win…that sucks…I would totally bag my groceries myself if they made me pay for it. Bummer!
Hello Lynn,
Amazing blog, absolutely hilarious. I started following it recently, I am on the lookout for fellow ranters and sufferers, with an impeccable sense of humour and you tick all those boxes.
Grocery stores…pfff!
I have indeed suffered as well with the un-smiling, bored, grumpy and brainless check-out, erm… people? shall we call them? And here in old Blighty it’s not so common to bag your groceries, usually the check-out people ‘help’ and of course they mess it.
I carry a little folding shopping cart with me, as I am car-less at the mo, so all the heavy stuff needs to go at the bottom, thus ringed at the till first. Why is it that, although I put everything in the correct order at the conveyor belt, they will start with the items not right in front of them (e.g. packs of soda, detergent boxes and other heavy stuff) but they start with eggs, chocolates, bread which are further back. Is there a secret mission they are all trying to accomplish, a conspiracy to make us all nervous wrecks?
By the way, I have tried many a time to paste your code on my blog but I get no picture… :(((( I would love to have your badge on my blog but it’s not showing. Do you think there is something wrong with the picture maybe? Please let me know!
xx
G
First, thanks for commenting…I really appreciate it. Yeah, sometimes I rant…just depends on my mood. I’ll check out the badge thing. It’s pretty new so I’ll have the programmer check it out! I’m looking forward to getting to know you.
I hate the baggers. I bring my own bags and when they say “Paper or Plastic” and I hand them my bags they get all growly it makes me feel all stabby. I mean, really? Does loading my groceries into a canvas bag ruin your day that much? Dude go spend a few hours with my kids.
Also, going to email you. Right. Now. Ahem.
I feel like the grocery store has gotten worse and worse…or maybe its just me. Looking forward to hearing from you.
I have to ask–does anyone really “need” bendy straws? I’m not doubting you, I’ve juts never felt that overwhelming urge to use one.
Hahaha…mostly I just needed extra long straws…not regular length. What a great question!!