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In which we receive a LOT of letters

Dear Daniel,

We here at Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Duke, Stanford, Brown, Haverford, SMU, USC, Northwestern, UNC, Williams, Washington University, etc., etc., etc. KNOW that you’ve worked hard to get where you are today. How do we know? We’ve seen your PSAT scores and yes, they’re impressive.

Because of that, we think that YOU should be at our school. Because of our strong feelings about this, we’ve cut down about a million trees to send these mailings out to you. And yes, I realize that this is the hundredth such letter you’ve received but let me tell you why THIS school, and no other, is THE college for you.

First Daniel, we are looking for the best and the brightest. How else could we manage to reject thousands of applicants every spring? Sadly, even amongst the best and the brightest, there’s not room for them all. But don’t let that stop you from applying to our fine academic institution. We want our students to be able to grow in an environment of trust, respect, and honor. Unfortunately, you will probably not be accepted into this environment but surely Daniel, do not let that type of rationale limit the application process.

Why every year, we graduate lifelong learners. LIFELONG DANIEL! They never fucking stop learning. The first lesson you’ll learn, if your experience is anything like your sisters, is that getting your hopes up and getting all excited to get into a particular college is A VERY BAD IDEA! Why Daniel? Because with 29,000 applicants for 1600 spots there is a very SLIM chance that you will be chosen to attend our fine institution. But Daniel, please don’t let that stop you. Without people like you applying and thus allowing us to reject kids in record numbers, we won’t be able to move up the US News & World Reports list of America’s Best Colleges so Daniel, please keep those applications coming!

So Daniel, take a moment to consider what Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Duke, Stanford, Brown, Haverford, SMU, USC, Northwestern, UNC, Williams, Washington University, etc., etc., etc. has to offer a student with your record of achievement. Here, challenging academics, opportunities and an ideal location for a college community converge for an exceptional experience. EXCEPTIONAL DAMN IT!

With 5 undergraduate schools and over 100 academic majors and minors, you will have plenty of options. You can even – GASP – double major if you seriously want your college experience to suck.

Daniel, we want to work with YOU as you embark on your college admission process and we can’t wait to hear from you.

Sincerely,

John C. Idontgiveashitaboutyou

Dean of Undergraduate Admissions

Every Damned University in the United States

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29 Comments

  1. Lady Estrogen
    March 23, 2011

    I think this letter was perfection.
    Ohh.. double major? Please, can I?
    And if, for some miraculous reason you DO get accepted, enjoy it while it lasts because the odds of you landing a job for anything remotely close to what you studied for (if any job at all) especially if you study the, ah-hem.. ARTS… is slim to fucking none… but good luck with that!
    Lady Estrogen recently posted..Im Not PerfectMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      Hahaha…Daniel just read this comment with me and he’s no longer going to college. As a great science student, he’s simply going to open a state of the art meth lab.

      • Lady Estrogen
        March 24, 2011

        Sorry about that… or rather, good job.
        Just remember, whatever you do in life, don’t do it half-assed – so if that’s a meth lab, make it the best fuckin’ meth lab ever! LOL

        • Lynn
          March 24, 2011

          hahaha…thanks…THE BEST METH LAB EVER…well, he is good at science.

  2. Harriet
    March 23, 2011

    I remember when I started applying to universities here in the UK almost 3 years ago now, it was a complete nightmare and very similar to what you’ve described here! I hope that Daniel find chosing a university easy and that things aren’t too stressful for you in the application process!
    Harriet recently posted..25 More Debt Written Off By BanksMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      They will be but it’s the third time around so we have learned to not have expectations

  3. Brad Procton
    March 23, 2011

    Dear Daniel:

    We regret to inform you that your application for State Lab Approval has been denied due to the many requests for such facilities. In order to properly design and construct such a facility please complete no less than 15 College Applications in order to prove your worthiness. Along with your Application Fee of $200.00 to each school please include 25 references as well as no less than 10 Extra-curricular activities that you feel will illustrate your determination to develop a State of the Art Laboratory in our esteemed state.

    We look forward to hearing about your progress and seeing your re-application in 4 years.

    Thank you for your time and effort we look forward to rejecting your application at a later date.

    Joe Yakenfloster, MEd, QRS, TUV and a whole lot of other meaningless letters
    Chief Administrator
    State Board of Rejections

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      You sir! Are a jerk! How’s it all going though really? You could call you know, I have a phone

    • Carla E. Knight
      March 23, 2011

      Brad, you are too cute.

  4. QueenMahin
    March 23, 2011

    I thought it was bad dealing with middle school angst, etc. Glad I have another few years before we’re sorting letters from colleges. Did just watch a screening of “Race to Nowhere” last night, though, so this topic was timely. “EXCEPTIONAL DAMN IT!” Ha, Ha!

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      Yeah…we learned a lot with kid one and kid two. Hopefully this one will be less stressful.

  5. Sharon Heg
    March 23, 2011

    Probably one of the best decisions I ever made was to apply to a state school. I was overqualified and there was little question they would accept me. Back then, they didn’t even care about your SAT scores. In my profession though, it doesn’t matter where you go – once you pass the licensure exam, it doesn’t matter if you went to Harvard or the University of Buttfuck at Hayseed.

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      Things are just so competitive right now…even state schools. But the sheer amount of letters he’s gotten, and he’s a junior, is ridiculous.

  6. Redshoes51
    March 23, 2011

    I’m of the opinion that one can get from a college education/experience, what one puts into it. I teach at a small four-year school here in Mississippi… We aren’t Harvard, or Yale, or Ole Miss, or LSU… but the number two person in charge at UPS graduated with an undergraduate degree from here. Think of all of the high-powered diplomas and degrees that he oversees on a daily basis…

    ~shoes~

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      hahaha…it’s true that the school doesn’t matter in many ways. It’s about the connections and what you’re looking for. We just are getting a ridiculous amount of letters.

  7. Jessica
    March 23, 2011

    That letter sure boosts one confidence in applying for college. 29,000 applicants and only 1,600 will be accepted, oh please can I apply so you can turn me down. Umm…no thanks, but that’s just me. I went the easy way and went to the local community college for my AA and now I am at the overpriced, underfunded state college where they continue to cut classes.

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      This letter is an amalgam of the billion letters Daniel keeps receiving in the mail. College apps are a bitch.

  8. liz
    March 23, 2011

    You get out of college, get your first job, and then no one gives a flip about where you went to school.

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      True, true. Thanks for reading

  9. Hope
    March 23, 2011

    Ha! I still remember college admissions time and shudder. And that was 10+ years ago.

    *shudder*

    • Lynn
      March 23, 2011

      It wasn’t like that when was going to college at all. It is now though!

  10. Marinka
    March 24, 2011

    I’m right there behind you. And very, very scared.
    Marinka recently posted..Stomach AcheMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 24, 2011

      That’s right…you too have a teenager. By then, I should be an expert…and DONE!

  11. Brittany {Mommy Words}
    March 24, 2011

    I can feel my own disappointment all over again over some of the really big schools. Man they make you feel like you have a chance. And then you realize that you are one of a majillion kids applying from NY and that like 1 kid gets into all of the schools. And then you get into one and it costs more money than you have ever thought of and demands your first born child and all your future money. I am so glad I’ve got a little time!
    Brittany {Mommy Words} recently posted..The Knight Bangs the PrincessMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 24, 2011

      And it’s so ridiculous now…we get sooo many letters while they actively recruit my child but we have been there twice and they mostly just slam the door shut in your face. On the other hand, I have two at Duke so it’s not all terrible.

  12. Casey Freeland
    March 25, 2011

    Is this your way of boasting that your son is wanted by all the best schools in the country?

    If so, then congratulations. He must be an exceptional kid.

    Cheers,

    Casey

    • Lynn
      March 25, 2011

      Nope, not exceptional. All the schools send out these letters to woo applicants. Then the kids apply and get rejected. It’s not such a fun process.

      He’s a good kid and a smart kid…not exceptional!

  13. Name *
    March 30, 2011

    My son’s going through that now. Hope’s to play football at a small school. We were thinking scholarship…or partial. No. Doesn’t happen. I don’t even want to think about it.

    • Lynn
      March 30, 2011

      Well, it happens but they’re few and far between. These schools get your hopes up and smack you down. Good luck with your son!

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