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In which we’ve seen the end

Twelve

Last night as Kevin and I were talking before we went to sleep Kevin pointed out that we had just watched the VERY END of three movies in a row.  I couldn’t help but start laughing because we do that ALL THE TIME.  We will be flipping channels and something weird will be happening and we will start watching.  Fifteen minutes later and the movie is over.

 

That’s where it gets fun.  I think I’ve mentioned before that nothing excites me more than a speculative conversation rooted in absolutely no facts.  Kevin used to hate it but last night, after the third movie, he said that it was starting to grow on him and he was starting to have speculative conversations EVEN when I wasn’t around.

 

Let me explain how the process works.  We’re flipping channels and obviously, nothing is on TV sports as ESPN isn’t on.  Last night the first channel we came to was HBO and “Letters to Juliet” was on.  However, it was the VERY END of the movie so we watched about 20 minutes.

 

It was perhaps the most predictable, trite movie ever to the point where we finished it and said “what a crap movie that was” and “we’re glad we didn’t watch the first hour and ¾ of the damn thing since that movie was SOOO stupid and predictable.”  (No seriously, Juliet on a balcony? What a novel idea!  And then the little putz suitor climbs up the vine…that’s never been done before and then OF COURSE HE FALLS and she must rush to him and kiss him) In this movie, there really wasn’t much to discuss.  IT WAS JUST THAT BAD.

 

Undeterred, Kevin started flipping again.  Next movie “Extraordinary Measures.”  Now I had heard of this one before too so the first conversation was on how badly Brendan Frazier is aging.  Seriously, he could be Cookie Monster’s big brother at this point with those big googly eyes.  And Felicity was in there. (Note to readers: we refer to every actor as whatever original role they were in … seriously, for the rest of their life)  So Felicity, ummm, Keri Russell was his wife and their kids were obviously dying and fortunately they had Indiana Jones (or Han Solo if you prefer) working on the formula.

 

So, we watched the miracle occur and we weren’t the least bit surprised that a guy who could get out of jams the way Harrison Ford does managed to solve their problem.  So far, we had watched two whole movies in about 35 minutes.  But was that the end of the evening? NO!  We had seen something freaky on Showtime but the first time we flipped to it there was a guy who was bashing his hand in the shower until it was all bloody and I was all like “there’s no way I can take this type of angsty shit on a Sunday night so let’s find something else!”

 

But, when we went back all of a sudden Nate (from Gossip Girl) ran in looking perfectly imperfect and I was all like, “Oh, Nate’s running around … let’s see what he’s doing?”  Then 50 cent showed up (Fiddy) and one of those Culkin kids was in it and then some girl offered to give Fiddy a blow job in lieu of $1000 dollars and I was all like “what the hell? Does she have a golden tongue or something?” So of COURSE we had to finish this movie out.

 

This chick really wants the “Twelve” which I gather is a drug so she agrees to sell her virginity to Fiddy for “Twelve” which apparently cost $1000 bucks.  This all takes place during a big rager (aka kick ass party) in some rich chicks house where the girls are way, way too dressed up for high school.

 

THEN, Nate walks in on Fiddy and shit goes down and Fiddy shoots Nate and then some other random guy walks in and starts shooting and people are fucking dying everywhere.  I have NO IDEA WHY but seriously, Keifer Sutherland is narrating and Kevin and I keep waiting for him to start yelling because isn’t that what Keifer Sutherland always does?  But no, he’s speaking in a dead calm voice and apparently he’s the voice in people’s heads cuz some chick is dying and her last thought is “people are going to regret that they missed this party.”  HAHAHA.  I’m sure they will as about 20 people were massacred!

 

At the end the gunman died by charging the police with a gun in his hand so predictably, they killed him.   Then there’s a flashback to Nate being told by his dying mom to “live a good life” which he OBVIOUSLY wasn’t doing.

 

So, I really don’t know what all THAT was about but then after Fiddy was dead Nate went to see Fiddy’s mom and Keifer was saying “he doesn’t have a mom” and “she doesn’t have a son” and I was all like and “this doesn’t have a plot” and “who the fuck thought this movie was a good idea” and Kevin was like “that’s the third ending we’ve seen tonight” and I was all like “this was awesome” and “now we gotta figure out what the hell happened at the beginning of this movie” and then we discussed how I’ve ruined Kevin too and then I decided I should write this post and so I did.

 

Didn’t like it? Fuck you.

 

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8 Comments

  1. Lisa
    July 1, 2011

    Favorite line in a movie was from Coming to America: “Yes! Yes! F you too!” (Eddie Murphy is an African prince in NY and believes F you is a greeting.

    • Lynn
      July 1, 2011

      hahaha…like Cee Lo.. fuck you and fuck her too

  2. Everyone Knows Me Here
    July 1, 2011

    Did u write this in an angry tone because u could arrange your flights? LOL Just sayin’…I’m a at the end movie kinda gal, too. Personally all the movies suck these days. Just my opinion. Like it matters.

    • Lynn
      July 1, 2011

      hee…that was funny. actually i was in a great mood when i wrote this…hmmm

  3. Kate
    July 7, 2011

    OMG, someone else who calls actors by their first roll for ever… Or the first roll I encountered them in, anyway. My husband thinks this is annoying and that I shoud learn their actual names just so he knows what I’m talking about. Silly man. :D

    • Lynn
      July 8, 2011

      Kate!!!! I didn’t even know you read the blog anymore. I’m so excited. Yeah, Jamie Bamber will always be Lee tp me. We both do it all the time. Hahaha

      Miss you girl!

  4. kate
    July 8, 2011

    I read. I just don’t usually comment. *hangs head*

    • Lynn
      July 8, 2011

      No problem kiddo!!!!

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