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Whatever mom

Hey there peeps!  So, I now have a column called “whatever Mom” over at Bloggy Magazine on Tuesdays.  Since I don’t want to make you guys travel every Tuesday I’m just going to post it over here as well.  I have had a few of them up already but I’m really just getting started.  Feel free to check out the magazine which is also just in it’s infancy. I will also be taking topics by email so feel free to send anything you want me to discuss in.  The email address is 2whatevermom@gmail.com

Meanwhile, here’s todays post of Whatever Mom!

Life goes on

 

I wrote a post the other day on All Fooked Up about how it seemed that so many people in my kid’s lives have died and somebody wrote me a comment about it.  That article is here.

 

The comment basically said:

“Is it harder to lose a loved one when you’re young or older? I don’t know. The losses I’m been through have ranged from so gut wrenching, I wanted to die as well, to what I guess you’d call a ‘normal’ loss. Painful, but expected and possibly a blessing in disguise.”

What’s worse? Learning to deal with it when you’re young”

 

That’s an interesting question and I’m not sure there’s any set answer.  The first person that my kids knew who died was my mom.  She died at 4 Am on a Saturday morning.  I had taken Keely to see her the night before because, at age 7, she was more aware of what was happening and was very upset and had a “bad” dream about ‘gramma’.

 

She drew her a picture and dropped it off and that was the last time any of us saw her alive.  Coincidentally, that Saturday we were having Andie’s 6th birthday party at a skating rink.  I decided that since there was obviously nothing that we could do for my mom and my dad had his siblings there as well as my mom’s sister, that we would go ahead and have Andie’s birthday party.

 

I wanted to show my kids that although bad things happen, life still goes on.  Of course, the party was a CALAMITY although in a very funny way.  I’m not sure I’ve actually written about that yet but I will.

 

At any rate, we had the party and life did indeed go on.  Less than two years later we were burying my dad.  Although I miss my parents terribly, the thing that makes me the saddest is that my kids never got to know them and they never got to know my kids.  I had incredible parents but I KNOW that I loved them and that they LOVED me.  Not a lot of people get that.

 

However, I was once talking to my mother-in-law and we were discussing her mom who had died at 101.  She was telling me that she shouldn’t feel so bad because I lost my mom so young and she had her mom so long.  I responded that I “didn’t think you could quantify loss like that.”  I mean, if my mom had been around for literally my entire adult life, it would have been devastating to say good-bye.  I can’t imagine having had her for 70 years and then she’s gone.  To me, that almost seems harder.

 

Also, as I watch Kevin deal with the aging of his parents and I hear other horror stories from my friends dealing with their loved ones, I can’t help but feel relieved that I’ve already dealt with this situation.  Although it was awful losing my parents so young, I never had to deal with the desperation that I see those who deal with dementia and other ailments.

 

So, in a way, I take solace in the fact that I had my parents while they were young enough, smart enough, and fun enough to really enjoy life.  Is that terrible?  I have no idea but it’s certainly how I feel.

 

As to losing people while you’re young, I can say with great authority that every kid I’ve known who has lost a parent when they were young (maybe not very, very young) but certainly in their teens, has had a drastic affect on their lives.  Loss of innocence, loss of a feeling of safety; it’s really taken it’s toll on these kids.

 

The fact is that you can’t control all the situations around you and that death seems to be a normal part of life.  Just the other day, another kid that my girl’s knew at school died in a car accident.  It gets to the point where you get jaded and used to it.  I suppose that what you need to teach your kids is that “bad things happen” and that “life goes on!”

 

That’s certainly what I’ve attempted to do.

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10 Comments

  1. By Word of Mouth Musings
    October 4, 2011

    I do get where you are coming from, and one of my best friends Mom’s is suffering dementia after not being a stellar Mom to start with. Now she has all these not so great memories and a Mom who doesn’t remember any of them.
    We can only shelter our children so much, we teach them about loss and that they can hold onto good memories … its not jaded, its reality and you have a good grip on it dear friend.

    • Lynn
      October 4, 2011

      thanks you..you’re one of the only people who keeps me blogging when it all gets to be too much. THanks for reminding me that occasionally i say something worthwhile

  2. Ryan (The Woven Moments)
    October 4, 2011

    I’ve experienced a ‘normal’ amount of loss in my life: grandparents, a couple of acquaintances/friends. There was the baby we lost, which was impossibly difficult.

    But the hardest of all?

    Watching my 3 year old fall in love with her (then) foster sister, terrified that the adoption wouldn’t go through and we’d lose her.

    So yes, maybe dealing with loss at a young ADULT age is good. But losing a sister at 3 (not a death but still a loss) would have been so damaging to my oldest daughter.

    Happy to report that adoption went through and daughter #2 is celebrating 2nd birthday in a couple weeks.

    • Lynn
      October 4, 2011

      I’m glad it all worked out. I don’t advocate death…i just think you can’t control it and have to learn that it’s part of life.

  3. Pamela D. Hart
    October 4, 2011

    I agree that the loss of a parent at a young age is devastating for children. Loss doesn’t always mean death. There are parents who leave or are present but not really there or who are abusive. All of those can leave lasting scars.
    But as you said, life must go on. Life is for the living. It’s up to us to muddle through and find our way and be the best person we can be despite the pitfalls and tragedies.
    We can mourn but we can’t just whiter up and die.
    When it is my turn, though, my boys have strict instructions to burn me then go on a cruise and celebrate my life.
    Pamela D. Hart recently posted..Birthday ReflectionsMy Profile

    • Lynn
      October 4, 2011

      Hahaha…burn you up and go on a cruise, good for you!!! Love that

  4. yelling near you
    October 4, 2011

    Great post and it raises some thought provoking questions. Death is a part of life and as hard as it can be, it happens and we have to deal with the pain and move ahead – I know all too well with the untimely lost my sister and uncle as well as the passing of beloved grandparents. While centenarians are surely going to become more common with modern medicine, at what point does the quality of life fall to a point where the apparent benefit of longevity is outweighed?

    • Lynn
      October 4, 2011

      Ironically, I was just having a conversation about that at lunch today. Quality of life and also the sheer amount of money spent on prolonging life for the elderly is a huge problem. Well, in my opinion,

  5. Amanda | OneMommysThoughts
    October 4, 2011

    This is a really great life lesson and one kids do need to understand at a young age. I also think that the way you feel about not seeing your parents in their worst health before they died, is admirable and selfless in many ways. I can’t imagine being the parent and knowing that your child has to witness and endure the pain that comes with it. Things have a way of working themselves out so clearly your parents were meant to live life to the fullest right til the end.

    • Lynn
      October 4, 2011

      Well, my mom did have problems for a long time but she was still intrinsically her when she died so that was important to me…and to her.

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